Discouragement

I always find it ironic that we are supposed to NEVER be discouraged.

Or if we are, discouraged, we're supposed to be working through it, and getting better.

We're certainly never supposed to give in to discouragement.

On the other hand, I know what giving in discouragement can lead to.

I really like Winston Churchill's quote, "If you're going through Hell, keep going."

Because that's what feeling discouraged is like.

It's like Frodo and Sam in the middle of the black land, having escaped from Ungoliant, escaped from the Tower, lost Gollum, left the orc troupe behind, and still climbing, climbing and climbing up Mount Doom to destroy the ring.

Nothing left except the focus of "destroy the ring." No emotions. No looking forward in hope. Just "destroy the ring," and sometimes you just have to stop, and breathe and eat some lembas ...

But lying there in your elf-cloak, you know that you're still gonna have to roll over, get up, and keep crawling up that stinking mountain, and throw the ring in the fire.

You get too tired to even care.

But you can't quit.

You can rest, but you can't quit.

I think that's an important point that is being missed.

It's okay to be discouraged. Getting the ring to Mount Doom seems hopeless, feels hopeless, and there's no hope of anything after it, except death (which at this point, sounds like a good rest).

But the thing is, you can't give up getting the ring to Mount Doom. EVERYBODY WILL DIE IF YOU GIVE UP GETTING THE RING TO MOUNT DOOM.

... There's a lesson here somewhere, I'm sure.

I'm really discouraged lately. I want to give up. It seems like everything I try is useless and futile. It doesn't  matter if something I do DOES work out, but that's just how depression works.

It's like Ecclesiastes, VANITY, VANITY, VANITY.

I'm really discouraged because I'm watching my friends go off left and right, and right and left, and frankly, I'm just waiting for the penultimate one to bite the dust.

Just waiting for it.

Waiting for the text, or the phone call, or the visit that reveals I'm no longer part of their life. <_>

I'm so tired of those.

I try to be glad for Shani, because SHE won't leave me at least, but somehow ... Shani is not balancing out the people on the leaving side.

I could list them all, but that is just TOO DEPRESSING.

And my students. *sigh* WHY AM I A TEACHER? I feel like nothing I'm doing is reaching my kids. Which is silly, because there's about four students who think I am just THE ULTIMATE IN AWESOME. But it's all the other kids. They're intent on being ignorant and proud and staying ignorant and proud.

Which would be fine, except I care about what happens to them. I don't particularly want to see them experience the consequences for their choices.

Also, when you're working yourself as hard as I work, and there is no monetary reward (I am not making money, people. I subsist. I might as well be a non-profit organization), you want to see what you're doing make a difference.

All I feel like I'm doing is being an irritation in their lives.

I feel superfluous everywhere. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted at the school. I don't feel like my friends need or want me. When I asked them to be in contact more, eventually everyone said, "Stop texting so much," for various REASONABLE reasons ...

But what it said to me was "You are not wanted."

For someone who has struggled with that their whole lives, that is a very powerful, debilitating message.

I feel like I'm even superfluous in Shannon's life. The only thing I really do in her life is pay bills. She has all these new activities and new stuff at school, and new friends. She tries to include me, of course, but ...

I don't really feel like I fit in.

Urg.

WRITING WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER.

Instead, I just feel more depressed.

I'm angry, too. Angry at my friends. Because, HELLO, I need you, but obviously THAT doesn't matter!

I'm angry that the energy and love I pour out on my kids is pointless, not appreciated, and useless. (Not entirely, I got a nice thank you the other day, but that doesn't really affect you when you're depressed.)

I'm angry that I have friends who are giving up and giving up, left and right, and I'm left ALONE, carrying on.

I'm angry at being the only one left.

Get up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. Get up. We'll make it up the mountain, we'll destroy that ring, and I don't know what will happen next, but get up, Frodo!

In closing, Shani made me happy just now with a text.

See? Don't give up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. We'll make it.

One step at a time.

(Almost) Vegan Enchiladas

I saw enchiladas at my 3rd job last night, and realized I really, really wanted some. So today, I started on a mission to make some! It has taken two hours, as I predicted. @_@

I have a very accurate sense of how long it will take to do things.

In some ways, this is good, because it gets me places on time.

In other ways, this is bad, because I'm always aware of time.

Back to the enchiladas.

I definitely wanted vegetarian enchiladas. I was originally intending to go to the store and buy some Morning Star vegetable crumbles (i.e.: fake hamburger). But I didn't have the opportunity. Therefore, I was thrust back to the wonderful vegetarian vegetable hamburger substitute: black beans.

The recipe I had pinned on pinterest, "black beans enchiladas" made me angry. Since the recipe was "use leftover black bean burger, combine with enchilada sauce."

WHAT?! WHAT?!

THIS IS WHY NON-VEGETARIANS THINK THAT VEGETARIAN FOOD IS GROSS AND TASTELESS.

Therefore, I set out to make my own recipe.

I looked up several different black bean burger recipes, and took the parts that I liked. I also added a LOT of spices, because I really like flavorful food.

(This is Shannon's fault. She taught me that food has flavor. NOW I WILL NEVER FORGET.)

Here is the recipe for the Black Bean mixture.

2 cups canned black beans, mashed. (I used the leftovers of a can and a can. Next time I will use two cans, as it wasn't quite enough.)
1 cup chopped spinach
1 tbs lemon juice
1/4 of a large onion, chopped
1/2 cup chopped parsley
7 oz can of green chilies
1 garlic clove, diced small (not quite minced, because I couldn't be bothered.)
1/2 cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp salt (I used sea salt. It's what I had)
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp paprika

MIX ALL THE THINGS TOGETHER.

Now you have a beautiful mix to put in the middle of your enchiladas.

If you're an olive-liking person (I'm not!), olives would be a wonderful thing to add to this. Also, cilantro would work just as well as parsley, except Shani and I don't really care for cilantro.

The mix is kind of dry until you add in the green chilies. If it stays too dry, throw in an egg, some olive oil, or a touch more lemon juice.

Part II

I excitedly grabbed the can of enchilada sauce from the pantry, and opened it up. It hissed as it opened, and sprayed out a little bit. As this was a donated can, I was a bit concerned. The insides looked ... Icky. Better safe than sorry (my constant inner mantra), so I tossed it, and realized now I was going to have to make enchilada sauce TOO! AAAARG!

Green enchilada sauce was out of the question (which is what I WANTED), since I had no tomatillos. I didn't even know tomatillos were a thing, until I looked up how to make green enchilada sauce.

Time was running out, since I have to bike to work at 4:30, so I did a quick search for easy enchilada sauce. I found this recipe: Ten Minute Enchilada Sauce .

I then proceeded to dance around with it, and make it work my way.

Firstly, why use garlic powder and onion salt when YOU HAVE THE REAL THING?!

Tsk.

Also, I have home-canned tomato sauce in pints. Since I knew any tomato sauce I put in the fridge would spoil, I used all of it and cut the water down to compensate. This made for a really, really thick sauce. Which, I was thinking I would thin more for next time, but .... the thickness is appealing. Om nom nom.

I would have loved to have some jalapeños or other hot peppers to throw in, but alas! Not this time. (But surely NEXT! Unless I make green sauce with those tomatillas.)

So here is the recipe as I made it:

Enchilada Sauce
1/4 vegetable oil
1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 of a large onion, minced finely (See how I'm using the other quarter of my onion from earlier?)
2 tbs corn meal
1/4 chili powder
16 oz tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp cumin

Saute onion and garlic in vegetable oil. Add corn meal. (I figure this was for thickening the sauce. Not sure it's entirely necessary ...)

Add all the other ingredients. Stir will, let simmer 7 minutes. (Longer might be better, but I was running out of time!)

There you have it!

I then dipped the tortillas one by one in the sauce, filled them, rolled them and put them in a greased pan. When the pan was filled (It made ALMOST 8 enchiladas. The last one was pretty skinny.), I poured the rest of the sauce over the enchiladas, covered with cheese (like I said, ALMOST vegan. Cheese is probably the only reason I will never be fully vegan ...), diced green onions, and backed at 350 for 20 minutes.

Now to taste ...

(Om nom nom nom)

... Oh wow.
Wow.

Little sweet (that's the homemade tomato sauce), not at all spicey (although I think Alainna would disagree), but definitely flavorful.

Now I'm going to eat my triumph.

Ta!

Om nom nom nom nom nom ...