Discouragement

I always find it ironic that we are supposed to NEVER be discouraged.

Or if we are, discouraged, we're supposed to be working through it, and getting better.

We're certainly never supposed to give in to discouragement.

On the other hand, I know what giving in discouragement can lead to.

I really like Winston Churchill's quote, "If you're going through Hell, keep going."

Because that's what feeling discouraged is like.

It's like Frodo and Sam in the middle of the black land, having escaped from Ungoliant, escaped from the Tower, lost Gollum, left the orc troupe behind, and still climbing, climbing and climbing up Mount Doom to destroy the ring.

Nothing left except the focus of "destroy the ring." No emotions. No looking forward in hope. Just "destroy the ring," and sometimes you just have to stop, and breathe and eat some lembas ...

But lying there in your elf-cloak, you know that you're still gonna have to roll over, get up, and keep crawling up that stinking mountain, and throw the ring in the fire.

You get too tired to even care.

But you can't quit.

You can rest, but you can't quit.

I think that's an important point that is being missed.

It's okay to be discouraged. Getting the ring to Mount Doom seems hopeless, feels hopeless, and there's no hope of anything after it, except death (which at this point, sounds like a good rest).

But the thing is, you can't give up getting the ring to Mount Doom. EVERYBODY WILL DIE IF YOU GIVE UP GETTING THE RING TO MOUNT DOOM.

... There's a lesson here somewhere, I'm sure.

I'm really discouraged lately. I want to give up. It seems like everything I try is useless and futile. It doesn't  matter if something I do DOES work out, but that's just how depression works.

It's like Ecclesiastes, VANITY, VANITY, VANITY.

I'm really discouraged because I'm watching my friends go off left and right, and right and left, and frankly, I'm just waiting for the penultimate one to bite the dust.

Just waiting for it.

Waiting for the text, or the phone call, or the visit that reveals I'm no longer part of their life. <_>

I'm so tired of those.

I try to be glad for Shani, because SHE won't leave me at least, but somehow ... Shani is not balancing out the people on the leaving side.

I could list them all, but that is just TOO DEPRESSING.

And my students. *sigh* WHY AM I A TEACHER? I feel like nothing I'm doing is reaching my kids. Which is silly, because there's about four students who think I am just THE ULTIMATE IN AWESOME. But it's all the other kids. They're intent on being ignorant and proud and staying ignorant and proud.

Which would be fine, except I care about what happens to them. I don't particularly want to see them experience the consequences for their choices.

Also, when you're working yourself as hard as I work, and there is no monetary reward (I am not making money, people. I subsist. I might as well be a non-profit organization), you want to see what you're doing make a difference.

All I feel like I'm doing is being an irritation in their lives.

I feel superfluous everywhere. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted at the school. I don't feel like my friends need or want me. When I asked them to be in contact more, eventually everyone said, "Stop texting so much," for various REASONABLE reasons ...

But what it said to me was "You are not wanted."

For someone who has struggled with that their whole lives, that is a very powerful, debilitating message.

I feel like I'm even superfluous in Shannon's life. The only thing I really do in her life is pay bills. She has all these new activities and new stuff at school, and new friends. She tries to include me, of course, but ...

I don't really feel like I fit in.

Urg.

WRITING WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER.

Instead, I just feel more depressed.

I'm angry, too. Angry at my friends. Because, HELLO, I need you, but obviously THAT doesn't matter!

I'm angry that the energy and love I pour out on my kids is pointless, not appreciated, and useless. (Not entirely, I got a nice thank you the other day, but that doesn't really affect you when you're depressed.)

I'm angry that I have friends who are giving up and giving up, left and right, and I'm left ALONE, carrying on.

I'm angry at being the only one left.

Get up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. Get up. We'll make it up the mountain, we'll destroy that ring, and I don't know what will happen next, but get up, Frodo!

In closing, Shani made me happy just now with a text.

See? Don't give up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. We'll make it.

One step at a time.