Failure is a Satan Word

I had an interesting day yesterday, with quite a bit of mental strain and stress. I spent $200 on a mattress (a good deal that I think will pay off in the long run, but $200 is not a quantity of money I just spend.) In addition, the fact that my beautifully planned out budget for the month was a miserable failure increased the anxiety I felt about the mattress.

I also went to Walmart and bought some necessities, breaking the budget even MORE, and, in the process, completely spacing out, and walking away from the cashier with my cart to grab an item I had forgotten (sandpaper), and taking several minutes to figure out why my cart was empty.

I'm out of it, y'all.

This morning, I woke up feeling down, tired and depressed. I got up a touch later than usual, and went about my routine, getting tea, feeding the cats, sitting down to read my Bible ... But it all felt off and unreal. If you've ever experienced depression (which I have, and am currently experiencing), you know what I mean. "Life" is more like going through the motions as you try to work around your curled up, miserable soul.

I began prayer time reading Proverbs, and then read some Matthew, not really feeling "connected" to Jesus. Then I began to pray. Usually I sing to Him, but the song felt like sawdust and salt and stuck in my mouth. So I just started talking. I told Him how yucky I felt, and depressed, and the worst part is not knowing why. Just ... down. And as I continued to talk to Him, and ask questions I began to realize and voice: "I feel like a failure."

Failure is a Satan word. I used to own that word, and believe it about myself, and repeat it to myself, over and over. I know now, that "failure" is not me. I wrote in my journal:

"Failure is not a word that describes a child of God. With His words, He brought into being all that is or was (John 1) With His words, He has declared me beloved, (Jeremiah 31:3) [daughter] (1 John 3:1, Galations 3:26), friend (John 15:15), forgiven (Psalm 103:12), righteous (Philippians 3:9), holy (1 Corinthians 6:11),  worthy (2 Thessalonians 1:5), citizen of heaven (John 14:3), complete (Philippians 1:6), beautiful (Song of Solomon 4:7), and good (Genesis 1:31). Failure is a Satan word, and it has no part in me."

I was feeling like a failure because I had "failed" to anticipate and provide for all our financial needs with my budget. How silly!!!!! I am not God! I do not want to BE God, and I am so grateful HE is God, and not ME! I began to praise Him for providing for our needs, I asked for forgiveness for making my budget without asking for Him, and trusting in Him (Thou shalt have no other gods before Me ... This is includes budgets) to provide. The Bible says over and over, God will provide for my needs. God will provide for my needs. Nothing is too difficult for God. If my earthly Papa knows how to give good gifts (and he does), how much more my all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving Papa knows how to give GOOD gifts!

As I continued to praise God for providing, and for His forgiveness (and forgiving myself, and since I was on a roll, I forgave some people in my past who had hurt me - feel the chains fall off, people! Oh, God is good!) my spirits lifted. I could sing, and laugh and I remembered who I am! I am God's beloved, and precious treasure, and I am so super cool and awesome that God delights in me, and takes joy in me, and He loves me SO MUCH, that He sent His only son to die on a cross so that I would not die, but have everlasting life! Oh! God is good! All the time! All the time, GOD! IS! GOOD!

I share this, as intensely personal as it is, because I want to remind you, failure is a Satan word. It has no part in your life. The next time he comes to whisper that word in your ear, be like Edna Mode from the Incredibles movie:

Upon Silver Hair

I've accepted, made peace, and even decided to enjoy "getting older," and I've discovered that contrary to popular media, ageing isn't all that bad. While it's weird to think of myself as thirty, an age portrayed as the last gasp of breath before the grave, I don't feel very different.

I've accepted that my age has nothing to do with what I can accomplish.

I'm rejoicing in the wisdom that has come with my years of experience.

I've rejected the social expectations and stigma on persons of my size, personality, preferences, and enjoy loving myself as I am. (Because, let's face it, I'm pretty cool.)

While I'm disappointed that my life doesn't look like I thought it would when I was thirty (no blonde children running around a well-kept house and lawn with a handsome husband in the background), I would not trade what I do have; dear, tried-and-true friends, three kitties, mission trips, students that adore me, time for art and reading, baking and gaming, for any bobble-headed, soap-bubble dreams from my sixteen-year-old self, bless her heart.

However, despite my obvious well-adjusted attitude toward ageing (such a word in our culture!), I simply cannot seem to cope with one aspect:

My silver hairs.

Aside from the first one, which my friend Caleb noticed first, plucked out, and shoved under my nose saying, "Look at that!" (thank you), no one except myself and my hair stylist (i.e. cutter of hairs) has noticed them.

This is understandable, as there are only a few of them (6 or 10), and they all grow together in one streak on the right side of my head. Usually, they're covered over by the rest of my hair, but every once in awhile, they decide to gleam in the bathroom mirror, and remind me of their existence.

And it bothers me. Every time.

I can't seem to reconcile myself to these few silver hairs sprouting from my head - gratefully, they ARE silver, instead of gray or white, so I can make some pretense at pretending they are "cool," or possibly the early sign of a comic-book, super-power mutation.

This morning I woke up, and somehow they had conspired with the rest of my head to part my hair while I slept so it centered around them, and they stared back at me from the mirror like an unwanted halo.

I'm not certain why they are so hard for me to accept. Perhaps because every woman I know (my mother and paternal grandmother excepted) dyes their hair. Even men no longer allow their heads to grow hoary with age.

Perhaps because gray hairs are one of the few typical evidences that I'm ageing. I'm blessed with young-looking genes on my father's side (my great-grandfather actually convinced his wife he was 10 years younger than he was. She did not discover his duplicity until his death). While I'm no longer mistaken as a high school student, most people still ask me how college is going, even though I graduated in 2006!

Actually, this can be rather frustrating, as people can find it difficult to take me seriously since I must be so much younger than them. Ironically, I am now nearly in the same age bracket as many of the parents I work with.

I think I will stop cringing when I see those silver hairs. Instead, I will welcome them as a sign of my adulthood, maturity and wisdom. I've worked hard for this age, and I like myself. I will allow that silver streak to remind me of all the struggles I've been through to get where I am.

They're not a sign of ageing. No.

They are, indeed, a badge of honor. Silver threads that lead from my past, and promise victories for the future!