Lessons In Snow

It snowed here in the Willamette Valley. Last Thursday evening. It is now next Wednesday, and the ground is still "covered in white."

This being Eugene/Springfield, and not Alaska, the snow has heavily impacted life around here.

There has been no school. I know of two colleges that have changed their finals to online, or cancelled them completely. Instead of the Christmas rush, there are few straggling customers leisurely roaming the aisles at stores. People are home-bound, or only venture out for necessities. Christmas packages are delayed in the mail.

Usually enthused by snow, people are beginning to complain, loudly about the delay, their frustration, and the inconvenience. ("Companions, all whine loudly in angst of Christmas cheer!")

I am concerned myself about these continuous closures. I have a choir concert Monday night! My young choristers have now missed the three final rehearsals. Rehearsals that were sorely needed, mind you. I'm not sure what to do.

Many other people are chaffing at the enforced stillness and upset of their schedules. While I by no means wish to downplay the difficulties all this delay and ice is causing, I'm also struck by what this snow can teach us.

Lesson One: Be still and WAIT.

There is a lot to be said about stillness in the Bible.

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."
Psalm 27:14 "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage."
Isaiah 40:31 "They that wait on the Lord will renew their strength."
1 Corinthians 16:13 "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong."

And of course, the infamous story of busy Mary and her sister Martha in Luke 10.
Busyness is an American disease. Even our "downtime" is filled with multi-tasking. We'll watch a movie while eating, chatting with people, making phone calls, doing homework, taking notes, playing video games and texting. Sitting still is unheard of. We bring books, phones, handheld games, magazines with us where ever we may go so we never have to endure quietly waiting.

Waiting and being still can be scary. It is so much easier to rush around, doing things that help us feel we are somehow arriving at a destination or solution.

We have taken the maxim, "Idle hands are the devil's workshop," and changed it into a giant practical theology of never stopping. 

I am seeing this snow as a challenge to my patience, and ability to wait. I am learning how to be still in the silence. 

Lesson Two: My Schedule is Subject to Change

Plans. We LOVE plans. Meal plans, shopping plans, diet plans, five-year plans, wedding plans. There are even jobs that are JUST for planning things! Wedding planners, party planners, financial planners, etc. etc. 

"Be prepared" is a motto of not only the Boy Scouts, but of all America, and not just because of the song.

When I went to Taiwan, I learned a very important, and very uncomfortable word: flexible. There were so many things that were different than expected, differently scheduled than expected, and through it all, we had to keep serving. We were flexible.

My choir missed two performances and (so far) two rehearsals from the snow. We have a performance Monday. Now, I could worry and be frantic, or I could be flexible. To me, being flexible means I accept that the vision of a perfectly prepared concert is something I need to let go of. In its place, I accept a concert that may be cancelled, post-poned, or on-time with the limitation of all those missed rehearsals. We can still be the best we can be, but because our circumstances are different, our best is different. 

And that's okay. 

I believe this is more in line with the scripture from James, "Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.” Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”

Everything we do comes with the caveat, "Lord willing and the creek don't rise."

Yep, it means disappointments happen. (And it's okay to feel disappointed. Embrace that.) It also means we acknowledge that we are NOT God. Which, frankly, is something I'm grateful for.

It also means we have space to be grateful for the good things that come from changes in plans.

I'm disappointed and concerned about the delays and cancellations snow has caused. But I'm grateful for:

<- This Narnia Lamppost.Having five days to REST. Wow. Amazing.
Having five days with my Shannon. What!
Having a snow walk with my Shannon.
Leisurely Christmas shopping with my brother Peter - in the snow!
Time for making Christmas cookies.
Watching ALL the Christmas movies!
How beautiful everything looks in the snow.
The visual reminder that I am washed as white as snow!
That Shani got to take her finals at home. It helped her a lot.
Taking Coco outside in the snow was hilarious. And possibly traumatizing for her.
Wrapping presents.
Making decorations!
Seeing all the hummingbirds swarm our feeder.

This squirrel. (Such a poser) ->
So much cuddle time with our kitties.
Sleeping in late and warm.
Throwing snowballs at my nephew.
Leaving tracks in the snow.
Skyping with my best friend Caleb for more than an HOUR!
Peace that passes all understanding.
Space and time to think about things.
Lots of hot tea.
A new coat for the snow that keeps me warm!
How magical Christmas lights look in snow.
How bright snow makes everything!
The snow happening while I was sick, so I could skip school and rest without feeling guilty.

I'm grateful. Even for the bumps in this road.

What's Wrong With This Christmas List

So, I ran across this list of Christmas stocking stuffers, and it irritated the heck out of me:

The similar gifts are, books, bookmarks, book light, CD, clothes, disposable camera, digital camera, movie poster, cologne/perfume, ipod. Regardless of how I feel about some of these and their age appropriateness (ipods or digital cameras for an 8 - 10 year old? Nope.), it's the different gifts that are making me tear my hair out in a rage. 

Boys: comic books, pocket knife, laser pointer, action figures, video games, flash light, DS + games, nerf toy, hacky sack, Rubik's cube, beef jerky, gift card to GAME STOP OR MOVIE THEATER.

Compare these to the gifts for girls: nail polish, hair flowers, scented lotion, lip gloss, birth stone jewelry, journal, glitter pens, rabbits foot, locker accessories, jewelry making kit, body glitter, body spray/shower gel, compact mirror, gift card to MALL OR BOOK STORE.

All of these gifts are passive things (with the exception of the journal), and eight of them have to do with appearance. What kind of a message is this sending? "You are a girl. You are supposed to be pretty, and do quiet activities."

The boys, on the other hand, are getting active, useful tools: pocket knife, laser pointer, flash light, active toys: nerf toys, action figures, Rubik's cube, as well as things that are considered "geeky:" comic books, video games. 

Even the gift cards are different. Boys go to Game Stop or the movies, girls go to "the mall" or a book store. (Can you find the hidden message? Girls are readers. Boys are not. Don't read, boys. It's an activity for girls.) 

Can we please make a more inclusive list? One that doesn't include such a focus on appearance or passivity for the girls, one that doesn't exclude boys from books, journaling, and hygiene, and one that does NOT include personal video games/gaming platforms for children that are 8 - 10 years old. (That's an entirely different blog post!!!)

Gifts for Children 8 - 10+

Books: some books I've enjoyed: http://melissabnorland.blogspot.com/2013/03/read-all-books.html

Bookmarks: http://www.crookedbrains.net/2010/06/creative-bookmarks.html

Comic Books: The My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is a great story, age appropriate with good social lessons. Bone by Jeff Smith is a LONG epic, but it's also a wonderful adventure of heroism from unlikely people. Usagi Yojimbo by Stan Sakai is about an honorable rabbit samurai in the feudal ages of Japan. There is a lot of violence, but the themes of honor and doing the right thing make this something I would recommend. Girl Genius, an online comic, also has book forms of their comic, and it's AMAZING.

Pocket utility tool: http://www.allkestrel.com/product.asp?itemid=276&gclid=CM-zwKGlgLsCFQ3hQgoduWgA4w

Laser pointer/Flash light

Journal

Art paper

Colored pencils

Markers

Nerf guns: A great thing to do would be including material to personalize them, like this: http://www.steamingenious.com/2012/10/tutorial-painting-steampunk-gun.html

Hacky sack

Rubik's cube

Hygiene Tools: combs, brushes, deodorant (if necessary), etc. Let's train BOTH sexes in the art of staying clean.

Hats: You can't go wrong with cool hats. 

Gloves: Since you're not getting video games, they'll need to go outside for adventures! Gloves will keep their fingers warm while fighting off Balrogs

Boffer swords: Basically foam weapons that can take AND give a (gentle) beating. Excellent for taking down Orcs.

Costumes: Cloaks and capes, tunics, boots, anything that will encourage creative play! I love video games, but I'm so glad I didn't have them growing up. I had tools to utilize my own imagination. Do that for your kids. <3

Stuff I Have To Remind Myself Constantly

My hope is in the Lord.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in chariots or horses.

My hope, is in the Lord.

Some trust in paychecks and savings.

My hope, is in the Lord.

Some trust in friends and family.

My hope, is in the Lord.

Some trust in church programs and services.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in emotions, promises or moods.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in health.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in strengths, talent, capability.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in elections, governments, power, or money.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in a house.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in time and education.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in possessions and riches.

My hope is in the Lord.

Some trust in plans and goals.

My hope is in the Lord.
The maker of heaven and earth.
The Lord is in His holy temple, let all the earth keep silent.
The Lord is the everlasting. His lovingkindness endures forever. His mercies are new every morning.
Who is like the Lord? The hills melt like wax before Him.
I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord.
Though worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh will I see God.

The Trains

"I had a dream.

In my dream, I was at a train station. There were two sets of tracks, stretching away from each other until they disappeared in the distance. I was standing on a simple wooden platform beside the tracks. A throng of people were pressed together, waiting. Between the steps that led to the two trains stood a man in white with the most welcoming, joyful smile. The people pressed towards him. Some of them wept silently, tears of joy streaking down their cheeks as they reached for his hands. Some of them shrieked excitedly, and leaped to embrace him. Some of them knelt and kissed his feet. He knew the name of each one who approached him, and threw his arms around them, kissing them, and laughing uproariously. He took their right hands, and put a beautiful ring on their fingers. He gave them a dazzling white robe to wear, and sent them to board the train on his right.

But many of the others slunk by him without saying a word. They silently boarded the train to his left. They did not weep, but their faces were a mask of terrified regret and sadness as they boarded the train, and never looked back.

One man boldly approached the man in white. He crossed his arms, and demanded. "I belong on that train," and nodded toward the train on the right. The man in white looked at him, and said, "I do not know you."
The man's face got red, and he angrily thrust out his right hand, showing off a garish ring. "Look, I even have a ring. Now let me on!"

Nobody breathed. The man in white looked at him, and his face was stern. "I never knew you. Depart from me."

The man opened his mouth, and shouted, but no sound came out. His feet turned abruptly, and marched him toward the other train. He disappeared into it, mouthing angry protests.

The man in white turned back to his work, and the angry man was forgotten.

It must have been a long time, but seemed only a moment, and the tiny station was empty. I stood there alone with the man in white. He smiled at me, and nodded towards the train on his right. I followed him into the train.

There was only one car, and inside it were millions and millions of people. I could never have counted them all. They stretched on forever, and at the same time, everyone was near the front, where they could see and speak to the man in white. He sat down in the conductor's seat, and shouted out with a laugh, "All aboard!" and started the train.

As we pulled away from the station, singing, laughing, and shouting. I caught a glimpse of the other train, dark, silent and miserable, pulling away from us in the opposite direction. I looked ahead of us, and saw the tracks rising sharply, like a roller-coaster. I cried out, "Please, I'm afraid!"

The man in white turned and winked at me, "No you're not." he said.

And I wasn't."

The End

Unlike many of my short stories, this really was a dream. It was a beautiful, and somber dream. I woke up crying and really happy. So I wanted to share it.

I Like Who I Am

I do.

I am kind.

I am loving.

I am compassionate.

I cry a lot. For others and for myself.

I feel things deeply - I've always thought that my emotional scale was much wider than everybody else.

I am funny. I love humor. Not unkind, cutting humor, but wit, spark and the just plain sillies.

I smile and laugh a lot.

I have a hard time being serious, even when I ought to be. There's always a part of me that wants to giggle.

I am smart.

I work hard.

I think about things - a lot.

Sometimes, things bother me - a lot - but I keep thinking.

I don't really care about the global situation - I don't feel like I have any control over that, and I just end up worrying. But I care about my neighbor. And that lady on the street. And two kids in Africa. And my family.

I am tall.

I have blue eyes.

My nose wrinkles when I smile.

I am fat. And more days now, I'm okay with that. The people who love me, love me and my body. I could have a sculpted, thin body, but I don't want to pay the price for one. For me, it would cost my self-worth, my relationships, and my focus on who I am in Christ. So I choose to accept my body as-is.

I love food.

I have bad eating habits. I'm working on changing that. And that's good.

I am creative.

I am artistic.

I have grandios, gigantic, over-the-top, Broadway ideas.

I like to write.

I love cats.

I like to cook.

I'm generous.

I'm hospitable.

I'm not very good with money. I'm working on that too.

I play the piano very well.

I sing beautifully.

I like people.

I have a distinct sense of style.

I like my long hair.

I am not very tidy.

It's hard for me to be organized.

I procrastinate.

I love video games!

I don't like scary things.

I love reading.

I like being read to.

I don't know how to dance, but I love to do it.

Thunderstorms frighten me. Bridges frighten me. Lots of things frighten me. But I don't let that stop me.

I am brave.

I am persistent.

I fight for what is right.

I am wise.

I am learning when to keep my mouth shut, and what to say when I open it.

I like myself.

I think I'm pretty cool.

Jesus does too. In fact, He's the one that taught me that I'm pretty cool.

Because He thinks I'm to die for.

Thinking About Weddings & Marriage

I am attending a wedding today. Along with that, I've been watching David Tutera's My Fair Wedding, and it's not inaccurate to say I've been thinking a lot about weddings. For me, that also involves thinking about marriage.

Growing up, I always thought that I would be married around 22 (the same age my mom was), and be popping out babies, and supporting my husband in whatever he did.

I just want to say a quick "THANK YOU, JESUS!" for knowing my best, and not choosing to saddle some poor man with that old me, who didn't even know she could be a person in her own right, and didn't know that she had something special to contribute to the world.

As I've gotten older, and - thankfully! - wiser, my concept of marriage has changed. As I've experienced real relationships, and walked through dark times with people, my concept of relationship has changed.

I no longer see marriage as a 1950's sitcom, where I maintain a spotless house, raise two clean, perfect children, and selflessly and endlessly support my husband in whatever he does. (Don't get mad at me yet, wait for me to explain!)

I no longer view relationship as a one-sided affair of giving to others, ignoring my own needs, and always being "the strong one."

When I used to think about marriage and any other relationship, it was from a point of emotional bankruptcy, and a confused concept of who I was as a person. I was completely empty of love - I loved others, but I could not accept love from others, and frankly, I thought I was worthless.

I didn't approach the idea of "supporting my husband" from the view of "We are two strong people, partnering together to change the world," but from the view of "I have nothing to offer, except trying to make this person a little comfortable so he can do his job."

Do you see how ill that is?

Thanks to the relationships I have had in my life, my best friends, my pastor, my counselors (both professional and simply "wise elders"), I have come so, so, SO far.

When I think of marriage now, and who to marry, I am looking for someone I can partner with to change the world. I am looking for someone who complements my strengths, and vice versa. I'm not looking for a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet, I'm looking for another soldier in the same army, who's charging in the same direction!

I had an opportunity to get married, once. I was in a relationship with a guy, and it was not a good or healthy relationship. But how could it be? I was not a healthy person, and I had never experienced a good and healthy relationship of any kind.

I am so grateful that the good Lord in His wisdom spared me from marrying that person. (I'm sure he's grateful too!)

It broke my heart - please do not make any mistake about that. It killed me inside to break up with this person, to say, "I understand now that this is not right, and I have to choose Jesus." Right after that break up, I didn't want Jesus. I couldn't understand how He could "let this happen to me" if He loved me.

But out of that brokenness and emotional death, God brought into my life people who would live out a healthy relationship with me. People who actively loved me unconditionally, people who were determined to fill my crippled, empty soul with love, people who refused to stop showing me "You! Are! Loved!" until I listened.

God, through them, showed me that my perception of relationships was wrong. God, through them, showed me that my perceptions of myself was wrong.

I am not worthless. I am amazing, and I have so, so much to offer the world, it's staggering. There is no need for me to hide behind someone else, "supporting" them. No, I am called to be up front, with them, working together.

Relationship isn't about me being "the strong one" and not having any needs! Relationship is about growing each other toward Christ, demonstrating Christ to each other, and practicing Christ daily.

Because we are both practicing Christ, I serve their needs, and they serve mine. Sometimes, we are the Samaritan, and sometimes we're the beaten up guy in the road. Sometimes we're both at the same time! But the purpose is always Christ in me, growing in me, shining out through me, and being practiced through our relationship.

 I am so blessed to have not one, but two relationships like this. I'm not saying "We're always perfect with each other!" No. No, not at all. But we are practicing Christ. We fail, we forgive, we try again. We get angry, we work it out, we try again. We communicate, we get confused, we understand, we try again

Seeing a pattern? Practicing something doesn't mean you're already good at it. It means you're practicing to get better. Practicing means you don't give up, you don't stop, you keep trying until for one glorious moment, you get it right! And the world explodes in beauty and joy as love pours from you and into you, and all is right with the world.

Then you make a joke that's not funny, or you forget to take out the trash, and you get to try again.

THAT is what I'm looking for in a marriage partner. Someone to partner with, to practice Christ with, and someone who will always, always, try again.

A Choice and a Voice

This morning, I found myself lying in bed contemplating jumping off the high dive this year on PE fun day.

I'm sure those of you who know me are as flabbergasted as I am.

In my younger years, I climbed up to the high dive, trembling in line, at least once every year on PE fun day, only to find myself ashamedly muttering "excuse me, excuse me," and sliding down the stairs.

It was not until late high school that I finally realized I didn't have to jump off the high dive if I didn't want to.

What a wonderfully freeing thought! I didn't have to "prove" my courage to anyone, I didn't have to climb those stairs, and face that terrifying ledge if I didn't want to.

I haven't thought twice about leaping off the high dive since. Until this morning.

I had just finished Lisa Harper's book, Overextended and Loving Most of It. It ends with a scene where a dad and son both take a leap of faith off a cliff into water. She challenges us to live like that - taking chances.

That's how I found myself considering the high dive.

Obviously, I'm not saying that jumping from the high dive is going to make me "level up" in my faith, or move me closer to Jesus. But I do wonder if my new levels of freedom from anxiety and fear could handle me making that leap of faith.

Which brings me to my point: the importance of a choice and a voice.

Relationship where you do not have a choice or a voice is not relationship, it is terrorism and tyranny.

While it is not obvious in the small scale, when viewed large-scale, this is painfully apparent.

For example, if someone suddenly burst into my room with a pistol, and shouted at me to come outside, I would - rightly so - feel frightened! Why? Because I, my safety, my autonomy, and my feelings are obviously of so little value to this person. I don't matter.

When we are consistently deprived of having a choice and a voice, even if it's in small things, like what to wear, what to read, where to go, entertainment preferences, how to spend our time, the message we receive is I don't matter, and this is crippling.

If I don't matter the world is necessarily a frightening place, because nobody will look out for me, except myself. If I don't matter, I am not loved, because you can't love something that doesn't matter. If I don't matter, I have to work really hard to always be pleasing, or I'll be abandoned.

This perception of myself twisted and distorted my view of God. I believed I don't matter more than I believed God loves me. He has brought me to a new understanding of myself though, I do matter. As I replaced that internalized lie with the truth, I began to learn that I had choices in life. God didn't want me to be miserable (Yes, I honestly believed that serving God = you MUST be miserable)! I could make wise choices about serving Him that also brought me joy.

I learned that I could tell Him, "I want this, or that" without feeling guilty about voicing my desires, and knowing that my wants went into His consideration for my best.

As I learned that I matter, I also began to work through my fears and anxieties. Since I matter, other people are looking out for my best interest. Other people care about what happen to me. God cares about what happens to me. Since I'm not alone in the world, the world is not as scary.

I have a choice about what to do, what not to do. I have a choice about what to wear, and what not to wear. I have a voice in decisions about me, ranging from big life decisions to what movie we'll watch on netflix.


Which brings me back to the high dive. I might just choose to jump off it, just to see for myself how much fear has been conquered in my life.

On the other hand, I might not.

It's my choice.