Read ALL the Books!

So, I'm constantly seeing lists of books to read to your children. "10 books to read to your 4 -5 year old!" "50 Books to Read to Your 10 Year Old!" And my reaction is kind of like, "... Why on earth do you need a LIST of books to read? Don't you know enough books yourself?"

I mean ... geez. It's a book, right? YOU READ IT.

Of course, in a culture where a radio personality says, "Buying books is the worst investment. You read it once, and toss it out." I guess I shouldn't really be surprised.

I have thrown away one book in my life.

It had inappropriate content.

I read books over, and over, and over. I don't buy a book unless I really like it!

And I like a lot of books.

I don't know if you've seen Hoarders or Clean House ... But I would never part with my books. Ever. Books would be the things that it's like, "Nope, figure out how to organize 'em, because the books STAY."

Never re-reading books. Tch. That's SILLY. Admittedly, some of my books I haven't read in 3 years or so, but a lot of them are in 3 month-rotation.

Oh! And ANOTHER thing. These people who are like, "Gosh, it takes me months to finish a book!" and their excuse is being a parent, I say "Tcha!"

I realize that's probably kind of offensive coming from a single, non-parent. But I know of a few sets of parents who make reading a priority. And books get read.

I am going to be a mommy that reads books!

It will help that I can finish most books in about 2 hours. :3

Really, really, big thick books like Les Miserable take me around 5 - 6 hours.

I read REALLY fast!

Oh! Anecdote! English class, a student hands me their paper (a short 1 pager), I read it, say, "That was great! A!" And there's this pause. One of the kids cautiously asks me, "Did you actually read that?"

Yes. Yes I did.

Anyway! Since everybody else makes lists of Good Books To Read, I will too!

And my list is BETTER.

Because it is.

Don't question the list.

• The Little House On The Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
• I got these books for Christmas when I was around 6 -8. (I don't remember clearly, but I was reading before I was 4, so ... I read these books to SHREDS, over and over, right through my twenties. I could read them again.
• Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery
• I didn't get these books until my teens. I re-read them recently. They're good!
• The Chronicles of Narnia
• I think I started reading these when I was 5. We had a book shelf in the upstairs, and I would sit at it, and pick out books. We only had 4 at the time, and there are not WORDS to express my gratefulness at finally getting to read all 7 sometime later. I read these to shreds too. (I was careful with them. But when you read a book hundreds of times, it does start to wear and tear, no matter how careful you are.)
• The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien
• As a child, I liked the Hobbit. I didn't manage to make it all the way through LOTR until I was about 13. I would get stuck in Two Towers every time. But the Hobbit was awesome! (I was also exposed to the TERRIFYING Rankin-Bass animation of it, and those stupid animated Goblins haunted my dreams for YEARS.)
• The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien
• Okay, I might not have made it through these on my own, but my brother read them to shreds. He also read them aloud to our younger brother. When I was around 20-something, I read them aloud to my 8 year old sister, and she loved them. It took around a year to get through all 3 (or 6, depending on how you count them) books, but she was always eager for me to read. 
• C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy (Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength)
• I didn't read these until college, when my younger brother was doing a research paper on them. Loved them! With great love! Perelandra was my favorite.
• The Rich Mrs. Burgoyne by Kathleene Norris
• This turned up through a Logos yard sale. It has an inscription written on the inside cover, "Christmas 1914, Love Mother." I love this book. It makes me happy. Definitately has an agenda, but I LIKE the agenda. So. :3
• Hercule Poirot books by Agatha Christie
• Okay, you all know Dame Christie is the Queen of Crime, right? Well, she is my favorite. I  am slowly collecting ALL of her books. Slowly. She wrote a lot. I like the paperbacks, because they're small, and are just the right size for traveling, or waiting for an appointment. (They take about an hour for me to read). My favorites are
• Dumb Witness
• Murder in Mesopotamia
• Hallowe'en Party
• Cat Among the Pigeons
• Murder On the Orient Express
• Read them. They're good.
• Miss Marple Books by Agatha Christie
• I've watched the BBC productions of more of these than I've read, but they're still good.
• Basically, anything Agatha Christie. :3 She wrote lots of books. They're good. Read them.
• The Back of the North Wind by George Macdonald
• C. S. Lewis' inspiration, Macdonald is awesome, imo. I was introduced to him through a collection of his various fairy tales, and loved every minute. Some of them are creepy, and some are sweet, but they're all great.
• FAIRY TALES. 
• We had a big Reader's Digest collection of fairy tales, and I read it over and over to shreds. I recommend fairy tales. They are awesome. Read them to your kids. There are thousands of fairy tales, and they come in much more variaties than Cinderella! Frankly, after reading fairy tales, the Disney versions seem ... rather bland. Some of my favorite fairy tales are:
• East of the Sun and West of the Moon
• Snow White and Rose Red
• The Soldier and the Devil (also known as Bearskin)
• The Soldier and the Snuff box (there's 3 dogs, with eyes as big as saucers, dinner plates, and windmills, respectively. My imagination still can't figure out how exactly that works!)
• All Kinds of Fur/Cat Skin (a princess who makes a coat out of many different kinds of furs)
• King Thrushbeard
• I do not like Hans Christian Anderson. Bleh.
• BlueBeard (spine-tingling!)
• The Chrestomancie Chronicles by Diana Wynne Jones
• Okay, not a lot of people KNOW about her, because she's a British author. The only thing you can find by her in bookstores is basically Howl's Moving Castle (yep, the Miyazaki film was inspired by her book!) The Chrestomancie books are the most famous, but she has written SOOOOO much, for EXAMPLE:
• Howl's Moving Castle
• Castle in the Air
• House of Many Ways
• Archer's Goon
• Dogsbody
• Dark Lord of Derholm
• Fire and Hemlock
• The Merlin Conspiracy
• The DaleMark Trilogy (or possibly quartet)
• The Homeward Bounders
• The Time of the Ghost
• Eight Days of Luke
• Aunt Maria
• The Game
• ALL OF HER STUFF IS AMAZING. READ IT. LOVE IT.
• The Discworld Series by Terry Pratchett
• JUST READ TERRY PRATCHETT, OKAY? HE'S AWESOME.
• The Redwall Series by Brian Jaques
• Dad read these aloud to us. From the time I was 12 to the time I moved out at 23. Those are pretty special memories. Can I just take a moment and recommend reading aloud to your kids? No matter how old they are. Mom read aloud to me from BEFORE I was born. Dad read aloud to us kids all through high school. It's way better than watching TV together. Just sayin'.
• Fairy Stories by Gail Carson Levine
• I'll be honest - I don't like a lot of modern books. They tend to embody the current values of society that I don't really hold with. The Hunger Games, for example. I'm know the authoress was trying to convey how horrible war is and the sacrifices it entails. But I'm bothered that what the kids come away with is how "cool" it is to be violent and kill others. I don't like distopias, and thrillers, and horror books. I like books that teach about self-sacrifice, honor, loyalty, integrity, honesty, and loving others first. Not values you see in a lot of books coming out. Soapbox aside, I do like the stories by Gail Carson Levine. They're good. Y'all should read them. ^_^ ALL OF THEM.
• Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede, and the rest of the series.
• ZOMC, THIS IS SO AWESOME! My twin introduced me to these, and EVERYBODY SHOULD READ THEM. GO DO IT NOW.
• Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge
• This is a really sweet story. Read it. It's awesome. Shani read it aloud to me when I was sick and tired. 

Okay! List is not at ALL finished, but it is time for me to go! ta!

How Many Times Can Your Heart Break?

A lot, I think.

And then more than a lot.

It's funny, my heart used to primarily break for things about me. Disappointments, cats dying, etc.

Now ... it still breaks for me, but it breaks mostly for other people. I feel like it breaks every day.

When I see my children that I love making poor choices.

When I see people that I love making poor choices.

When I see the hate and the pain it causes in the world.

It's just ... heartbreaking. There's not really another word for it. <_>

I'm not judging other people. I had a really good talk with my pastor's wife about judging. It can be so hard to figure out what judging IS, and when you know somebody is playing with fire.

She said the difference was your heart attitude.

When you're looking down on somebody, and think they're stupid, and refuse to associate with them, because they're and what they're doing is just - tsk - awful. That's judging.

When you love somebody, and you see them doing something that will ultimately lead to pain for them, and want to see them not do be hurt - that's not judging. That's discernment.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people (that I love), wandering off and doing stupid things that will hurt them, and I just AUUUUUUGGGGGGHHH!

How do you use Pointy Shoes of Fraternal Vengeance for your friend when your friend is the one shooting themselves in the foot?

You don't.

Instead, your heart breaks.

Of course, in an ideal world, friends would trust you and listen when  you went to them (in love) and said,
"Fred, I love you, But this choice you're making over here, or this habit you have (whatever), is going to end in pain for you, for your family, for everyone around you. Please stop. You're only hurting yourself. How can I help you?"

But so frequently, the moment you speak up to someone, they immediately become all indignant, point an accusing finger at you, and shout, "You're JUDGING ME!"

=_=

I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. YOU'RE BEING STUPID, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HURT.

Although answering like that is not really the *best* way ...

It doesn't help that people don't want to listen in the first place.

And then, when I think about things, I wonder about people thinking the same thing about me.

It worries me. Because I know there are several people who love me, who don't really like the way I'm living.

They worry that I'm not married yet.
They worry that I don't have a job that makes money.
They worry that I'm too "attached" to my friends.

And I know most of those worries come from love, and that they think I'm being stupid. Heh.

I do have answers for all of those things, but it's hard to explain to people when they don't listen back to you.

I'm not married yet, for two reasons. First, God spared me, mercifully and miraculously, from getting married when I wasn't ready. I am not trapped in an awful marriage, or divorced with children like so many of my friends.
Second, now that I am ready (or rather, ready-ish), I have not met anybody I would like to marry! I know who I am, and because of this, I know the kind of person I would want to spend "yoked" with for the rest of my life. I just haven't met him. I am going to different places and doing things that put me in situations where I can meet new people (as often as I can), but I just haven't met anybody I would consider marriage material.

So I am content to remain happily single, doing God's work, rather than running around searching desperately for somebody - ANYBODY - to marry.

The money thing is driving me nuts too. It really is. But I'm working on it. I'm praying and talking to people smarter than I am, and looking for an opportunity that would provide for me better financially. In this particular area, and in the fields that I'm qualified in, those are pretty limited opportunities, but I'm looking, ready and waiting!

The friend "attachment" thing is a bit trickier, because it comes down to values and beliefs about life.

I don't share the normal beliefs about friendship that our culture does. Frankly, I'm glad I don't!

Culture says that friends come and go.
Culture says that saying "I love you," to a friend is a little weird.
Culture DOES say that you shouldn't be "too" attached to your friends.

Through a lot, and a lot, and a LOT of hardships and trials in my life, I have learned that culture is STUPID.

The Bible says, "A friend loves at all times," Proverbs 17:17.
The Bible says, "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." John 15:13
The Bible talks about Jonathan's and David's close friendship, which superseded loyalty to father & king in a GOOD way.
The Bible talks about a friend that is "as your own soul." (Duet. 13:6 - you're not supposed to worship other gods, even if your family, or a friend that is like your own soul entices you.)
The Bible says we have been called friends of God.

I'm not saying that friendship can't become something it shouldn't. EVERYTHING can become something it shouldn't! That's the nature of sin, and the greater the gift, the more wicked it is when it's twisted.

In the past, I have been dependent on Shannon.

I was sick. When you're sick, you are dependent on people.

But now, I'm better (for the most part, and on most days). I'm no longer dependent on Shani, although I am certainly reliant on her.

I realize also that the closeness and intimacy of our friendship is pretty strange in a world that wears masks in every situation. The world hides itself, because it's pretty sure that if it showed its true self, it would be rejected. So I know that it's pretty strange that Shani and I know each other's true selves, the nice and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.

It's certainly unusual.

But it's also good.

And very comforting.

Actually, it's our friendship that has convinced me I can tackle a marriage. Because I've learned how to love the good and bad of a person, and to be loved in return. We've had fights, and communication blocks, and irritations, and annoyances. We've had laughs, and jokes, and shared tears, and back rubs.

We've worked things through.

In a culture of convenience, where you toss a friendship if it gets hard, and find new friends, sticking with one person through the thin and the thick is pretty odd.

But it's the best thing. <3

Anyway. This has been a long series of rabbit trails, heh. ^_^;

Thanks for reading!

IKEA! Lisa! Caleb! St. Patrick's Day! ADVENTURE!

I really need to update this more than once a week. There's just WAAAAAY too much to write about! o_O

This weekend, Shani and I drove up to Portland for a multi-purpose trip.

This was after a Friday that involved lots of errands and not much time for me.

Oh, the concert on Thursday night went well too. Now you know.

Saturday! So, I woke up early, and made St. Patrick's Day Whoopie Pies. They are REALLY good. I also cleaned up the house, vacuumed THOROUGHLY (after replacing the vacuum belt), and finished off with making these funny little croissant things that had pesto and feta in them. I liked them, but Pesto isn't Shani's favorite. (I have to remember that for future recipes, because *I* really like it.)

Then, we got a late start. Didn't get out of the house until around 2. Eeeh heh. *sweat*

We drove and drove and drove to Portland, and then tried to find IKEA.

We got lost.

Twice.

The first time, we took the appropriate exit, and yet somehow managed to stay on I-5. We thought maybe that Shan had forgotten to write down exit 308, (it said take exit 8) and decided to stay the course until 308.

This proved to be a mistake, as traffic immediately slowed down to a crawl, and it took us around 40 minutes to get from 300 to 308, whereupon we saw the Washington bridge, and realized we were definitely going the wrong way. We turned around, and started back south (fortunately, south-bound traffic wasn't slowed down). Got on to HWY 30, and shortly saw the ENORMOUS blue IKEA sign.

One would think that with such a big store, there would be a road right to it.

No. There is not.

Instead, you have to take this series of small, twisty back roads that look like the roads on the outskirts of Eugene that end up going nowhere.

We missed one of them, and ended up driving back into the town proper, and getting nearly on the freeway again. We saw the IKEA sign (now far behind us and to the left), and turned around again.

By the time we arrived at IKEA, we were supposed to be arriving at Lisa's. Arg. =_=

In any case, IKEA is amazing. Seriously, I can't wait to go back there with plenty of time to look at ALL the things.

We finally arrived at Lisa's (after fighting MUCH distraction at IKEA, and going upstairs, downstairs, and back upstairs before finding what we went there FOR) around 8. Fortunately, SHE was running late too!

I love it when we're all off-schedule together.

She had a lovely vegetarian meal for us, and we watched Wreck it Ralph! (My favorite movie!) We watched the beginning THREE TIMES, because we kept getting more people interested in seeing it with us. Heh heh.

I wish we had had more time there, but starting late and getting lost and all ... it was not to be.

In the morning, I woke Shani up too early (oops), but we eventually got on the road to meet Caleb at his church.

I wish he and my twin were closer, but Beaverton and Gresham are on opposite ends of Portland, so we can't have them both at the same time. =_= And there was no Ryan this time, and not nearly enough Ria.

Portland needs to be closer.

Anyway, church was good. I really like that church. It's nearly as good as ours. ^_~

My favorite thing the pastor said, was "I can't tell you how many times people have come to me, and justified things they are doing by saying, 'Well, God wants me to be happy.' And I'm kind of like 'Eeeeh ... no, not really.'"

The sermon was on holiness. See, the thing is, God wants us to be holy. Holiness will lead us to happiness eventually, because part of holiness is wholeness, but pursuing happiness will never lead us to holiness or wholeness. It's most definitely a putting the cart before the horse kind of thing, and it doesn't work.

I liked him for saying that, and I was glad.

Anyway, then we had lunch at Caleb's, and it was good! He made fish! I LIKED it! It was a white fish, so apparently, I like white fish, but I do NOT like pink fish. I feel better about myself knowing that I do like some kind of seafood.

I can see some of you saying, "Wait! Fish isn't vegetarian!"

Well, I'm vegetarian mostly for health and personal reasons, but I don't really want to make everybody else do what I do. So, I'm vegetarian when I choose for myself. (Most of the time.) but I will eat what is served me.

I do prefer vegetarian though.

Unless somebody is eating something delicious right in front of me. Then it's just not fair.

We also went to a Salvation Army. Selection was *quite* poor, and prices were expensive. Geez. Not at all what we were expecting out of a thrift store. o_O

Then we came home, and talked a bit more, and then we had to go. :( Shan had rehearsal at 8. *sniff*

It wouldn't have been quite so difficult to take if I knew I would see him over spring break, but he'll be with his Mom's family for most of the time he's down. :(

SERIOUSLY. EVERYBODY JUST COME LIVE WITH ME! STOP BEING SO FAR AWAY, DARN IT!

anyway. Then it was back to the busy week. Ugh. School needs to be OVER. Although, Spring Break for me is looking crazy, crazy, CRAZY busy. @_@  so that's not much of a relief. Anyway, I have things to do, and they are dinging me like crazy, so I will go do them!

Ta~

THERE IS NO BALANCE.

In my life currently. There hasn't been since a couple days before the funeral. You remember, when I was taking all those naps?

Currently, there is no balance in my life. I can tell this because of several things:

My food intake has gone from "I'm hungry and need nutrition" to "I'm miserable and need comfort."
It also includes, "I'm too tired to actually cook or buy groceries, so PIZZA!" (Or Taco Bell, etc. But no McDonald's. McDonald's is BLEH.)

I do not have the ability to be creative. (That's when I know I'm really drained.)

I hate EVERYBODY.

I am too tired to take a nap.

I can hear you asking (all one of you who actually reads this ... who is that anyway?), "How can you be too tired to take a nap?"

Easy. You're sitting on the couch, having finished lunch, and it is time to go take a nap. However, not only can you not find the energy to get up and go to your room to lie down, you can't even find the strength to roll over and close your eyes. (Possibly because if you let your guard down, the Stress will jump you from behind.)

I'm fairly miserable.

I am even more miserable when I look ahead at Spring "break" (ha ha), and the next week. My stomach tightens and begins to churn with nervousness. There is not a break. There is work. A LOT of work. And there is no Caleb. This is more than slightly heartbreaking, but at this moment, I'm feel as if I'm the only one who cares, so ... *shrug*

(It doesn't matter if it's in my head. My head is where I live, so if something is in there, it is real to me. When I am this tired, I can't fight off the bogeymans in my head by myself anyway.)

The concert is tonight. It doesn't feel real to me. Frankly, I just want it to be over. Shani asked if I needed her to come, and I said "I don't think so." Because I'm so tired, I just don't care. I want it to be over. It's just an ordeal instead of "Yay! People should come hear my kids because I'm proud of them! Look at the hard work I did!" It's just "I want this OVER."

There were too many hurdles this bit to overcome for me to rejoice in the concert. I didn't have a pianist until the last 4 rehearsals. That's REALLY HARD. I can't practice my conducting, I can' read the kids from behind the piano, they don't learn to watch my conducting ... The dance we were supposed to do in Show fell through after the week and a half of no school from the plauge, and I and the kids were REALLY sad about that. (But there was no way to pull it together without those 9 hours of rehearsal) The extra song Gospel was supposed to do and the visiting choir fell through. We lost one of our choir members. It was just BLEH.

I really, really HATE the March concert anyway, it comes up too fast. =_= There's not enough time to practice!

So yeah, concert tonight, and there's not even a Shari's party allowed afterwards. Symphonic has a dress rehearsal for the contest next week, So Mom is asking every student to go home and get sleep.

I'm not sure this is the wisest decision on her part. I absolutely see her point of the kids needing sleep to be fresh for the big rehearsal! I'm not at ALL arguing on that point. My concern is two-fold:

A) The kids need some kind of celebration after the concert for the closure. (The reception doesn't do that well for the kids, as there's not room, it's too noisy, and there's non-performers involved. You need a chance to blow off steam with the people you performed with post-concert).

B) Student/Teacher relations are pretty strained right now. I feel that this will be viewed as more "control" and "taking something away" from the students. I'm not saying the kids are RIGHT, and like I said, I COMPLETELY see Mom's point on them needing rest, but I think the timing is very poor, and will only add more stress to already strained relationships.

What I am going to do in Gospel (because I do my ABSOLUTE BEST to maintain a positive attitude in THOSE kids so it will disseminate through the school) is support Mom's decision to the best of my ability, and tell the kids we are having a party on Monday. That will be closure for them, they'll still feel as if they get their party, and will be more able to cheerfully acquiesce to skipping Shari's this time.

(Mom told them we'd go after the June concert, but these are CHILDREN. June is a millenia away, and they DO need closure for THIS concert.)

Anyway.

I really need to blog WAY more often. I frequently compose blog posts in my head, but it's while I'm walking to the bus stop, or biking to work. I can't exactly scribble them out during those times. =_=

Tuesday was full of NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES! I texted some of you this, but I"ll tell it again.

I was walking home from the bus stop, and I was so tired and hungry as I waited at a crosswalk. The light changed, and I started to walk! IT WAS THE GREEN LIGHT FOR THE CARS. *facepalm* I felt REALLY stupid ... And nearly walked into a car that was going. =_=

Then, I tripped over the sidewalk a little further down. I didn't fall, but I did nearly sprain my ankle, and I definitely threw out my lower back. Arg.

THEN, biking home from WORK that night, I was almost hit by a car again! My phone had fallen out of my pocket, so I retrieved it, pulled my bike onto the sidewalk, and was walking for a bit. I was walking in a crosswalk when a lady turning right almost didn't see me. The lady rolled down her window and said, "Your light is really hard to see in the dark." Nonplussed, I kind of stared at her, and said "There's nothing I can do about that." I wish I had been a bit more cognizant and thought of something more INTELLIGENT to say, but I was so tired, and the day had been so stressful and just ARG.

But as I thought about it, I decided she really was at fault. I was *walking* in a *crosswalk* underneath two bright street lights (which would be why my light would be difficult to see. It's the light, not the dark, that makes it invisible), and I was wearing a light blue jacket. If I had been a pedestrian I would not have had a light at all, so it really was her responsibility.

I did roll my eyes at her, which was why she spoke to me, I guess. I shouldn't have done that. It had been a long, exasperating, tiring day.

Mr. Fox is still not feeling well from his stroke. MOm asked me if I'd be willing to teach the next English bit. It's on Greek Mythology! Ooooh! My FAVORITE! =D (Although I do get it completely entangled with Roman mythology ...) On the other hand, combined with two late jobs I work, getting to Logos EVERY DAY at 9am is really, really, REALLY starting to kill me. I don't know if I can do it. So ... it's all a bit wibbly-wobbly.

I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will toddle off. Pray for me to survive, please! I need it. @_@

A New Maid!

Yeeeeep. Me and Shani are moving up in the world! We're hiring a MAID!

Okay, so it's only my little sister, Carolyn, and she's only coming once a week, and she's willing to do it for a measly $5 ... BUT I STILL FEEL AFFLUENT!

I also feel slightly guilty that I, a woman, can't keep my own house clean. XD

But I'm okay with that. Because last time Shani was involved in a NHCC play, the house got SOOO messy. Because we couldn't stay *quite* on top of things - we were just too busy! So things got messier, and messier, and dirtier and dirtier ... and it stressed us out so much, there wasn't a CHANCE of getting it done so ...

When I found out she would be doing a play again, I said to myself there and then, "We're gonna need help!"

So Carolyn will come help us! She will vacuum, sweep the floor, and make sure the dishes and countertops are clean once a week. This should help us keep it tidier and cleaner. Because it has to be tidy enough for her to do her job, and those are the things that seem to slip through the cracks and never get done ...

I'm excited.

I've also been really, really busy. Gah.

Okay, backing up to FRIDAY, the funeral!

It was an adventure. Firstly, I found out early that morning via text with my brother that any practicing of music would have to be done before 1:30, which was when I was planning to arrive. Shani and I had already discussed how she could take care of her responsibilities, we could get tires and still get there in time.

Then, Mom dropped by around 8:30, and said that the funeral home was 30 minutes farther away than I had planned for.

AAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH! And I couldn't hurry anything up, because at that point, it was too late. So I had my nice time buffer go pfft into the wild blue yonder.

I dropped Shani off at school, and went to Les Schwab. You may be wondering why I hadn't gotten tires earlier, or why I didn't wait till after the trip. I didn't get tires earlier, because Shannon's tax return had come in the day before. I didn't wait until after the trip, because our tires have been illegally bald since January. We've been driving on prayer.

I got our tires, and it took forever. I was so stressed out. Our car sat in the lot, and sat in the lot. Finally, they moved it in to work on! I was so excited! Then it just sat there, up on the rig, tire-less, for a long, long, anxious time. Shani was done at school, and she said she'd start walking toward the tire shop so I wouldnt' have to pick her up.

Finally, the tires were done, I got in the car, zipped to Freddy's, got gas, and picked up Shani. It was 11:20, and we were deep in West Eugene.

I drove really, really fast.

Mom was telling everybody I drove 110 mph, but that's silly. I'm pretty sure our little Toyota Tercel would burst into flames and explode at that speed.

I did average 80mph the whole way down. I prayed that God wouldn't let any cops see us, while simultaneously wondering if that was ethical. Shani joked, "Oh Lord, shield me from the eyes of authority as I break the rules!" Heh.

We screeched in to the funeral at 1:58. Whoo hoo! But no practice time.

It was an interesting experience. I'm going to go ahead and be pretty honest about what I felt during the funeral.

Grandma's casket was in there. I was surprised at that, because she had been dead for two weeks, and while I'm sure this is irreverent, I couldn't help thinking, "Surely by now she stinketh?" (One of the best verses in the KJV). There weren't a lot of people there. That made me sad. Because I couldn't help thinking how lonely it must have been.

I was really surprised at the morose atmosphere. I walked in, and I was really happy. I know, it sounds terrible, but I'm glad Grandma is dead. She has been miserable for the past 8 months or so, so miserable, that everybody else is miserable for her. Now she was in heaven! No pain, no heartache, just joy, joy, JOY! I understand that people needed to grieve (like I said, I grieved and cried back in August, so I was just happy), but ... I dunno.

I've been to more funerals the past couple years at my church, and ... the atmosphere is light. There are tears, of course, but there is a LOT of smiles, and laughter, and it is a joyous occasion, sprinkled with tears.

This funeral was not that. People kept saying "We don't grieve without hope," or "We have joy," but it sure didn't feel like it to me! Maybe because the casket was RIGHT THERE. Maybe because it was in a funeral home, surrounded by graves. I dunno. But I felt uncomfortable and out of place.

My brother Peter cried, and cried, and cried. I'm not really sure why he cried so much, but it worried me. *worry* I was impressed with my Aunts. They were not inconsolable, as I anticipated, so that was nice. I got to sit by Aunt J, and pat her knee. I was glad that my cousin David kinda took her under his arm, and was kind to her. That was good.

My Uncle Aaron led the service. I have mixed feelings about sharing this, but I will anyway. I was really angry that he didn't let everybody talk as much as they needed. I was really angry. He said there was to be an "open mic" time, but after Aunt Lisa & Aunt J shared, it was obvious he intended to go on with the service. Peter interrupted and shared, and so did David, and then I did, and then Jason. But it felt really uncomfortable, and I felt like I had to rush through what I had to say, because it was obvious Uncle Aaron wanted to continue on with things.

I don't know if it was because we were on a time schedule from the funeral home, or what, but it made me mad. I think particularly because he talked a lot. If we were on a time schedule, couldn't he have just shortened what he had to say, so everybody else could say what they needed to say to grieve?

*sigh* I always feel so conflicted at myself when I'm angry with someone for railroading over other people's needs. Because I wonder what of their needs I'm ignoring, or if I am misunderstanding the situation as a whole.

But I'm still angry.

Anyway, then they opened the casket, and a bunch of us left the room. I see no point in staring at a body that is no longer Grandma and saying "goodbye." Grandma's not there. It doesn't make any sense to me. o_O; But it's important to some people, so I'm glad they did it, I guess.

I was also glad, because I really, really, really needed to go to the bathroom. So I took that opportunity, thank you very much, in the little closet of a bathroom they had at the funeral home. Closet bathrooms always make me feel claustrophobic.

Then we carried her out to the gravesite, (and by "we" I mean the pall bearers. Are they called pall bearers?) and Uncle Aaron had another sermon. Then we prayed and said Amen, and I started singing.

As we were watching the casket outside, and Uncle Aaron was preaching again, I felt like I knew that we needed to sing something when we were done. Music is very important to that side of the family, it's how they connect and express their emotions. So I started running through some songs in my head, asking the Lord to give me wisdom as to which would help express the emotions best. I decided on "Sweet By and By," because it talks about heaven, how wonderful it is there, and that we'll see each other again.

We ended with singing Amazing Grace, arms around each other, standing around the coffin, which I think helped some of us more than any of the words said at the funeral.

Then we shlepped off to the dinner at the Black Bear Restaurant.

Shani and I couldn't help being amused at the concept of a memorial dinner at a Bear-themed restaurant ... It took FOREVER for people to get theeeeeeere. *whimper* And we were soooo hungry. The original plan (before the loss of an hour of time, and the extra-long tiring of the car) was to stop for lunch on the way down. Obviously, that was overturned, so it was the first food Shani had eaten all day, and breakfast (toast) was HOURS ago for me! (It was close to 4pm). We were sooooo impatient! Gosh, everybody just needed to hurry up and get there. =_=

Anyway, it was good food, what I ate of it. I'm vegetarian now (mostly), so ... I ate mashed potatoes, cornbread (SERIOUSLY DELICIOUS CORNBREAD), and their "salad." I commented to Shani that their salad was not really a salad, as it had the typical nutrition of restaurant salads. Iceberg lettuce, carrot shavings, and a cucumber or so. She pointed out that this one had cherry tomatoes, where I replied, "Popping a few cherry tomatoes onto a salad does not make it magically nutritious, and in any case, I don't like cherry tomatoes. Your tomato argument is invalid."

There were cooked veggies there, but I can't STAND cooked veggies! THEY ARE ICK. And this happened to be zucchini, and a yellow squash. Double ick.

Cornbread was delicious though.

We finally left and went home. Everybody else stayed the night. It took a LOT longer to get home, ha ha!

The next morning, we shlepped around a bit, and then IT GOT SO BUSY, ZOMC. SO BUSY.

We had a lot of craigslist stuff to pick up, and Shani was taking Nathan (her brother) out to Off the Waffle, and I was gonna watch Ewan. So we did all that, and I went to the store, and got a cookie mix for Ewan and I to make together. He EVENTUALLY enjoyed this. Heh. Then it got crazy.

Brian & Kevin came over with the Peet's truck to pick up an armoire that Shani had craigslisted. We're using it for all our craft stuff, and now that it is in, it's perfectly wonderful. Meanwhile, I was supposed to zip over and pick up a bike rack and a dish set. Well, Ewan got picked up a bit late, and I can't help chatting with my sister-in-law Amy, she's just that awesome. Then, I couldnt' find my KEYS. (I finally found them, under the couch cushions.) So I got in teh car, realized we were out of gas, went to get gas, remembered that my new key for the car doesn't work for the GAS CAP, frantically texted Shani, and she said to come home they were almost there anyway.

So we traded jobs. She headed off to get the bike rack and dishes, and I helped the boys carry the armoire upstairs. We ended up taking it all to bits first, because we live in a second floor apartment, with rather twisty bits in the stairs, and this thing was HEAVY. I unscrewed all the doors, and we carried it up piece by piece. Then, I dumped (literally! Shani TOLD me too!) All the stuff in the green desk (which was trying to do a good job as a sewing desk, but failing miserably) onto the floor, carried that down to the truck (it was going back with the Peets), and proceeded to reconstruct the armoire where the desk had stood.

Shani, meanwhile, was HOPELESSLY LOST IN LORAINE, TRYING TO FIND THE BIKE RACK. She drove all over - ALL over, and after an hour and a half of calling the lady, and texting Shani, they finally met up in a church parking lot, and teh exchange was made. I felt SO BAD. But now I can bike places, and Shani can come pick me up in the car, and my bike will go on the back! This is a good thing. ^_^

She was all pooped out, so came back home, I got in the car, and drove out to River Road without mishap, and got our new dishes. They're still wrapped up in the rubbermaid tub, BUT THEY'RE HERE. It's a 78 piece vintage china set from Japan. There are not words to describe my happinesses. <3

I came back home, picking up a Dutch Bros smoothie for my pooped out love, and taco bell for me (I was hungry). Brian & Nathan stayed over to hang out, (Brian going back to NY the next day). We watched Rapunzel while Shani puttered around putting the craft things away. She was amused at how literally I followed her directions. :3 I"m good at directions. :D

We finally tottered to bed after saying goodbye to Brian & Nathan (and playing Mario Kart) late. The next day was church, and we went in, and church was good. (It always is). Then we got to have lunch with Bill and Debbie, our pastor and his wife! It was great fun. We got to talk about some things in our lives that needed some wisdom and Bible input, and we got it. ^_^ Bill said, "Hey, anytime. I have an expense account, and if I don't use it, I lose it, so y'know ..." heh. I love our pastor.

Then we headed towards home, because we still had busyness to do, and wanted to rest. But, we called my mommy, to find out how she was doing, and she was having a hard time. So we zipped over, threw her in the car (I'm still surprised we managed THAT), and took her out to the coffee house. We got her coffee and a treat. For some reason, she chose chili. O_o; But to each their own. WE chatted awhile, and then she felt better, so we took her home.

Then we zipped home, picked up all the amazing coupons we had that EXPIRED on teh 3 (augh!), and went shopping. Shani had a very succesful trip! I did not. lol. But that's okay, that's how it happens sometimes. ^_^ She got 2 pairs of shoes, we got socks (to get up to the purchase price for the coupon deal), she got some jeans at Kohl's, I DIDN'T get jeans at Lane Bryant, wasting my amazing coupon, but they didn't have any I really wanted. I did get a cool belt for $9. We got Jamba Juice (coupons again), and finally got some Papa John's on the way home.

There's currently no food at home, and we were both too tired too get ingredients AND cook. So pizza it was. It had been years since we got Papa John's, not since Kim & Alice in their apartment. It was bittersweet. Good memories. ^_^

And then it was the week! My goodness. It has certainly been crazy. No sign of it letting up anytime soon either.

Anyway, I better pop off and make some lunch. I want to do a bit of tidying before our maid arrives, so there's plenty of floor TO vacuum. And I definitely want a nap today. Definitely. I'm quite tired.

Ta~