THERE IS NO BALANCE.

In my life currently. There hasn't been since a couple days before the funeral. You remember, when I was taking all those naps?

Currently, there is no balance in my life. I can tell this because of several things:

My food intake has gone from "I'm hungry and need nutrition" to "I'm miserable and need comfort."
It also includes, "I'm too tired to actually cook or buy groceries, so PIZZA!" (Or Taco Bell, etc. But no McDonald's. McDonald's is BLEH.)

I do not have the ability to be creative. (That's when I know I'm really drained.)

I hate EVERYBODY.

I am too tired to take a nap.

I can hear you asking (all one of you who actually reads this ... who is that anyway?), "How can you be too tired to take a nap?"

Easy. You're sitting on the couch, having finished lunch, and it is time to go take a nap. However, not only can you not find the energy to get up and go to your room to lie down, you can't even find the strength to roll over and close your eyes. (Possibly because if you let your guard down, the Stress will jump you from behind.)

I'm fairly miserable.

I am even more miserable when I look ahead at Spring "break" (ha ha), and the next week. My stomach tightens and begins to churn with nervousness. There is not a break. There is work. A LOT of work. And there is no Caleb. This is more than slightly heartbreaking, but at this moment, I'm feel as if I'm the only one who cares, so ... *shrug*

(It doesn't matter if it's in my head. My head is where I live, so if something is in there, it is real to me. When I am this tired, I can't fight off the bogeymans in my head by myself anyway.)

The concert is tonight. It doesn't feel real to me. Frankly, I just want it to be over. Shani asked if I needed her to come, and I said "I don't think so." Because I'm so tired, I just don't care. I want it to be over. It's just an ordeal instead of "Yay! People should come hear my kids because I'm proud of them! Look at the hard work I did!" It's just "I want this OVER."

There were too many hurdles this bit to overcome for me to rejoice in the concert. I didn't have a pianist until the last 4 rehearsals. That's REALLY HARD. I can't practice my conducting, I can' read the kids from behind the piano, they don't learn to watch my conducting ... The dance we were supposed to do in Show fell through after the week and a half of no school from the plauge, and I and the kids were REALLY sad about that. (But there was no way to pull it together without those 9 hours of rehearsal) The extra song Gospel was supposed to do and the visiting choir fell through. We lost one of our choir members. It was just BLEH.

I really, really HATE the March concert anyway, it comes up too fast. =_= There's not enough time to practice!

So yeah, concert tonight, and there's not even a Shari's party allowed afterwards. Symphonic has a dress rehearsal for the contest next week, So Mom is asking every student to go home and get sleep.

I'm not sure this is the wisest decision on her part. I absolutely see her point of the kids needing sleep to be fresh for the big rehearsal! I'm not at ALL arguing on that point. My concern is two-fold:

A) The kids need some kind of celebration after the concert for the closure. (The reception doesn't do that well for the kids, as there's not room, it's too noisy, and there's non-performers involved. You need a chance to blow off steam with the people you performed with post-concert).

B) Student/Teacher relations are pretty strained right now. I feel that this will be viewed as more "control" and "taking something away" from the students. I'm not saying the kids are RIGHT, and like I said, I COMPLETELY see Mom's point on them needing rest, but I think the timing is very poor, and will only add more stress to already strained relationships.

What I am going to do in Gospel (because I do my ABSOLUTE BEST to maintain a positive attitude in THOSE kids so it will disseminate through the school) is support Mom's decision to the best of my ability, and tell the kids we are having a party on Monday. That will be closure for them, they'll still feel as if they get their party, and will be more able to cheerfully acquiesce to skipping Shari's this time.

(Mom told them we'd go after the June concert, but these are CHILDREN. June is a millenia away, and they DO need closure for THIS concert.)

Anyway.

I really need to blog WAY more often. I frequently compose blog posts in my head, but it's while I'm walking to the bus stop, or biking to work. I can't exactly scribble them out during those times. =_=

Tuesday was full of NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES! I texted some of you this, but I"ll tell it again.

I was walking home from the bus stop, and I was so tired and hungry as I waited at a crosswalk. The light changed, and I started to walk! IT WAS THE GREEN LIGHT FOR THE CARS. *facepalm* I felt REALLY stupid ... And nearly walked into a car that was going. =_=

Then, I tripped over the sidewalk a little further down. I didn't fall, but I did nearly sprain my ankle, and I definitely threw out my lower back. Arg.

THEN, biking home from WORK that night, I was almost hit by a car again! My phone had fallen out of my pocket, so I retrieved it, pulled my bike onto the sidewalk, and was walking for a bit. I was walking in a crosswalk when a lady turning right almost didn't see me. The lady rolled down her window and said, "Your light is really hard to see in the dark." Nonplussed, I kind of stared at her, and said "There's nothing I can do about that." I wish I had been a bit more cognizant and thought of something more INTELLIGENT to say, but I was so tired, and the day had been so stressful and just ARG.

But as I thought about it, I decided she really was at fault. I was *walking* in a *crosswalk* underneath two bright street lights (which would be why my light would be difficult to see. It's the light, not the dark, that makes it invisible), and I was wearing a light blue jacket. If I had been a pedestrian I would not have had a light at all, so it really was her responsibility.

I did roll my eyes at her, which was why she spoke to me, I guess. I shouldn't have done that. It had been a long, exasperating, tiring day.

Mr. Fox is still not feeling well from his stroke. MOm asked me if I'd be willing to teach the next English bit. It's on Greek Mythology! Ooooh! My FAVORITE! =D (Although I do get it completely entangled with Roman mythology ...) On the other hand, combined with two late jobs I work, getting to Logos EVERY DAY at 9am is really, really, REALLY starting to kill me. I don't know if I can do it. So ... it's all a bit wibbly-wobbly.

I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will toddle off. Pray for me to survive, please! I need it. @_@