A lot, I think.
And then more than a lot.
It's funny, my heart used to primarily break for things about me. Disappointments, cats dying, etc.
Now ... it still breaks for me, but it breaks mostly for other people. I feel like it breaks every day.
When I see my children that I love making poor choices.
When I see people that I love making poor choices.
When I see the hate and the pain it causes in the world.
It's just ... heartbreaking. There's not really another word for it. <_>
I'm not judging other people. I had a really good talk with my pastor's wife about judging. It can be so hard to figure out what judging IS, and when you know somebody is playing with fire.
She said the difference was your heart attitude.
When you're looking down on somebody, and think they're stupid, and refuse to associate with them, because they're and what they're doing is just - tsk - awful. That's judging.
When you love somebody, and you see them doing something that will ultimately lead to pain for them, and want to see them not do be hurt - that's not judging. That's discernment.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people (that I love), wandering off and doing stupid things that will hurt them, and I just AUUUUUUGGGGGGHHH!
How do you use Pointy Shoes of Fraternal Vengeance for your friend when your friend is the one shooting themselves in the foot?
You don't.
Instead, your heart breaks.
Of course, in an ideal world, friends would trust you and listen when you went to them (in love) and said,
"Fred, I love you, But this choice you're making over here, or this habit you have (whatever), is going to end in pain for you, for your family, for everyone around you. Please stop. You're only hurting yourself. How can I help you?"
But so frequently, the moment you speak up to someone, they immediately become all indignant, point an accusing finger at you, and shout, "You're JUDGING ME!"
=_=
I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. YOU'RE BEING STUPID, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HURT.
Although answering like that is not really the *best* way ...
It doesn't help that people don't want to listen in the first place.
And then, when I think about things, I wonder about people thinking the same thing about me.
It worries me. Because I know there are several people who love me, who don't really like the way I'm living.
They worry that I'm not married yet.
They worry that I don't have a job that makes money.
They worry that I'm too "attached" to my friends.
And I know most of those worries come from love, and that they think I'm being stupid. Heh.
I do have answers for all of those things, but it's hard to explain to people when they don't listen back to you.
I'm not married yet, for two reasons. First, God spared me, mercifully and miraculously, from getting married when I wasn't ready. I am not trapped in an awful marriage, or divorced with children like so many of my friends.
Second, now that I am ready (or rather, ready-ish), I have not met anybody I would like to marry! I know who I am, and because of this, I know the kind of person I would want to spend "yoked" with for the rest of my life. I just haven't met him. I am going to different places and doing things that put me in situations where I can meet new people (as often as I can), but I just haven't met anybody I would consider marriage material.
So I am content to remain happily single, doing God's work, rather than running around searching desperately for somebody - ANYBODY - to marry.
The money thing is driving me nuts too. It really is. But I'm working on it. I'm praying and talking to people smarter than I am, and looking for an opportunity that would provide for me better financially. In this particular area, and in the fields that I'm qualified in, those are pretty limited opportunities, but I'm looking, ready and waiting!
The friend "attachment" thing is a bit trickier, because it comes down to values and beliefs about life.
I don't share the normal beliefs about friendship that our culture does. Frankly, I'm glad I don't!
Culture says that friends come and go.
Culture says that saying "I love you," to a friend is a little weird.
Culture DOES say that you shouldn't be "too" attached to your friends.
Through a lot, and a lot, and a LOT of hardships and trials in my life, I have learned that culture is STUPID.
The Bible says, "A friend loves at all times," Proverbs 17:17.
The Bible says, "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." John 15:13
The Bible talks about Jonathan's and David's close friendship, which superseded loyalty to father & king in a GOOD way.
The Bible talks about a friend that is "as your own soul." (Duet. 13:6 - you're not supposed to worship other gods, even if your family, or a friend that is like your own soul entices you.)
The Bible says we have been called friends of God.
I'm not saying that friendship can't become something it shouldn't. EVERYTHING can become something it shouldn't! That's the nature of sin, and the greater the gift, the more wicked it is when it's twisted.
In the past, I have been dependent on Shannon.
I was sick. When you're sick, you are dependent on people.
But now, I'm better (for the most part, and on most days). I'm no longer dependent on Shani, although I am certainly reliant on her.
I realize also that the closeness and intimacy of our friendship is pretty strange in a world that wears masks in every situation. The world hides itself, because it's pretty sure that if it showed its true self, it would be rejected. So I know that it's pretty strange that Shani and I know each other's true selves, the nice and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
It's certainly unusual.
But it's also good.
And very comforting.
Actually, it's our friendship that has convinced me I can tackle a marriage. Because I've learned how to love the good and bad of a person, and to be loved in return. We've had fights, and communication blocks, and irritations, and annoyances. We've had laughs, and jokes, and shared tears, and back rubs.
We've worked things through.
In a culture of convenience, where you toss a friendship if it gets hard, and find new friends, sticking with one person through the thin and the thick is pretty odd.
But it's the best thing. <3
Anyway. This has been a long series of rabbit trails, heh. ^_^;
Thanks for reading!
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