Extrovert - Introvert

I've noticed lately that there is a growing portion of the internet devoted to telling the "differences" or "frustrations" or "problems" of introverts and extroverts.

There's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of jokes.

And I think there's a lot of misunderstanding ...

Firstly, there is a misunderstanding of the meaning of the words introvert/extrovert. Culturally we infer they mean reclusive/gregarious.In fact, a quick google of the words will tell you an introvert is shy and retiring, an extrovert is outgoing.

But an "introvert" can be outgoing and gregarious. And "extrovert" can be shy and quiet at times.

My personal favorite definition is where you get your energy from.

An introvert gathers energy from being alone. An extrovert gathers energy from being with others.

I am an extrovert. My two best friends are introverts.

This has caused some conflict in our relationships as we've had to learn to live with each other.

One of the things I see going around the internet regarding introversion/extroversion worries me a bit. There are adamant statements of "just accept me the way I am," and a kind of like it or lump it attitude.

Can we just be clear this doesn't work in relationships?

Relationships can function (badly) with rigid "you-me" barriers, but they work so much better with flexible boundaries and sharing of needs.

In my relationship with my own two introverts, I've had to change some of my expectations and actions. They've had to do the same.

When I'm out in public with my friends, I (try) to think twice before I chatter with random strangers, raise my vocal volume, or be a bit of a spectacle.

I do this because I've learned they are uncomfortable with me asking random strangers about where they got their clothes, how cute their kid is, or whatever crosses my mind. I (try) not to raise my vocal volume or dance down the aisles of the store with the mannequin because I've learned they do not want to be noticed. 

On the other hand, they've learned that being with me in public is going to LEAD to being noticed, no matter how hard I try. (And let's face it, they love me as I am!) That I will laugh loud in the theater, and the only thing shushing me does is hurt my feelings. (And a crying extrovert is noticeable in a much worse way.)

I've learned that when they're feeling really stressed out and miserable, they need some time alone. It's not about me, but when they spend some time on the river fishing, or chilling in the house alone, when we get back together, they'll talk and chat, and feel much better.

On the other hand, they've learned that if I'm really stressed out, I need them to sit there and listen to me for hours as I "verbally process," and eventually I'll be able to be quiet and listen.

I've learned that my roommate needs some space after she gets off work. She just spent several hours with lots of people, and she's burned out. This can be hard for me, because when I see her after a long day apart, the FIRST thing I want to do is talk about our days!

So, I've learned to wait a little, and she knows that I'll need to be listened to later.

I've learned that while I think a party with lots of people is the best thing EVER, they prefer an intimate get together.(  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlT-6PRKL1Q )

That doesn't mean we can't have big parties, but they will need warning, a private space to escape to, and they're probably not going to be in the middle of everything with me.

Actually, Shani and I are an excellent hostess team, and the secret is using our differences to our advantage. I play hostess in the middle of the people, breaking the ice, chatting, introducing people, getting laughs, and she stays in the background, making sure food is ready, drinks are full, and things are running smoothly.

Because we've accepted our differences, we can integrate our strengths to make an incredible team!

And that's the thing. Relationship isn't about drawing lines in the sand, and saying, "You will NOT do this, and you WILL do this," it's about creatively meeting needs; both theirs and yours. This takes a lot of honest communication, and a lot of practice!!!