Where do I even begin?
Do I begin with Shani mentioning the trip to me back in April?
Do I begin with the nudge I felt despite my reluctance to go?
Do I begin with meeting the group for the first time?
Do I begin with trying to raise funds?
"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you ..." Jeremiah 1:5
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29:11
God is good.
When Shani told me about the trip, I was reluctant and unsure. After all, I don't even GO to New Hope Christian College, and it would be weird to hang out with a bunch of strangers for a week. But I prayed about it a bit, and I knew that I was in a very dry spot, spiritually, and that God does things when we go out on a limb for Him.
So I said yes.
We met Corinne and David for our interviews, and my nervousness wasn't really allayed. They were obviously from very different walks of life from me, and were "weird." (I have to admit, I still carry a lot of baggage from my very conservative upbringing, and purple hair is not on "the list" of Things For A Good Christian.)
But they were nice, and I was honest. Hearing about the trip made me more nervous - we would be doing things that I hadn't done before, and it would be in a culture and world that I didn't know the rules to - not just the culture of the reservation, but the New Hope culture. As someone who has been rejected by society multiple times, I am very uncomfortable not knowing "the rules."
While we only had to raise $300 for the trip, that was something that was still COMPLETELY out of reach for Shani and I. Summer is a terrible, terrible time for finances for us, and while God has faithfully provided each summer, it still stresses me out, A LOT. If we were going to come up with $300, EACH, it would definitely have to be a God-thing.
I love my church. They are so giving and generous. When I think about how God's family "should" be, I picture them. When I first came to the church, it was for a bit of a break from the church I was at. I was the pianist there, and was completely burnt out. I decided to try them out for the summer, just for ease of transportation.
They loved me! I had never experienced that as part of the family of God before. I know it sounds weird to say, because that's how we're SUPPOSED to be, but sadly, I have experienced a LOT of rejection from "the church" (little c, because that's obviously not the REAL Church!). But this church ... actually cared about me. They cared about how I was doing emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. I didn't have to go to church and pretend to be okay, or have to play the piano because it was "needed." What I
needed was more important than what I could
provide.
In any case, despite our being such a small congregation, God used our church to supply Shani and I with the finances we needed - abundantly! Not only did we come up with the money for the trip, God used other people and other donations that allowed me to get clothes for the trip (something I sorely needed), all the little supplies for the trip (shampoo, bug spray, etc), AND we had enough left over to help some of the others out with their finances for the trip.
God is so faithful!!!! I have such a hard time remembering that when I'm in the midst of the problem, and I don't "see" any solution, but I have come to know (although it doesn't help my emotional distress) that if God wants it done, It Will Be Done. And I was so blessed that He gave us extra for clothes and pajamas and things. (I had not gotten pajamas for YEARS. What I had was thoroughly indecent for anywhere but home!)
We had had a team meeting in June, although some of the people had dropped out since then, so our first official meeting was Sunday, about 36 hours before we left for South Dakota.
We were an interesting group! But one of the things we had prayed for was unity and love among the group, not just for our benefit, but for the benefit of those around us as a witness. God answered that prayer dramatically, even though we couldn't see it fully answered until the end of the trip.
We set off for South Dakota at 4am from New Hope Christian College in the F2, a 15 passenger van owned by NHCC. Thank the Lord, it did have air conditioning (something we weren't sure about)!
It was a long, long, long, long, long, long, long drive. We didn't even go all the way to South Dakota, just Billings, Montana, but it was VERY far away.
I loved how everything about the trip was bathed in prayer. We prayed for everything, all the time, with many words, but from the heart. (Or Spirit, if you prefer.) We stopped at the Coeur d'Alene's Old Mission in Idaho as we drove by, since Mark felt we ought to stop. It was very cool. We learned about some of the previous work done by Christians to spread the gospel. The chapel there was built by the Native American's themselves, and it was done with pride. In the church, we prayed and sang over our trip, and our efforts to bring peace and freedom.
The singing was beautiful in the chapel, and it rang out in the rafters.
One thing that I took away with me, was when we went to the building where the novitiates had stayed. There was a page from their 38 page rule book, and it said they had to make their bed every day so, "those who see it may be edified." I had never thought about tidiness as something that edifies others, but it is true that a messy room, and a messy place is not edifying, nor does it bring peace. While I'm not at ALL proposing some kind of legalistic bed-making regime, it has given me furiously to think, and I want to try to be edifying in all the little aspects of my life as well as the big ones.
We drove on. And on. And on. I swear, Billings was running away from us, it took so long to arrive!!!!!!!!
At one point, Mark was in the back, and Shani and I got to share and talk with him for awhile. When I signed up for the trip, I had wondered if God was going to return to me the sense of His presence.
You see, I had always had a very vibrant sense of God's leading, and presence until something happened that hurt me very, very much. For years, I have had occasional times where I felt God's presence, but primarily, I have been walking in obedience and faith, not feeling like He was there, and certainly not "listening." I had followed something I had believed was God's leading, but it wasn't. Since then, I had squinched my eyes shut tight, and covered my ears, too afraid to hear or see anything, just in case it was wrong again.
Mark, Shani and I prayed, and God gave me back that feeling of His presence and leading, and I was so blessed to have that with me the entire week. I believe it will continue with me now. (I bawled, honestly.)
We got to Billings around 3am, and crashed on a church floor. The original plan had been to leave at 4am or 6, but we decided to sleep for a bit, and ended up leaving around 7. It was still VERY early after driving for nearly 24 hours, and having only a few hours of sleep before we left. (I did not sleep in the van, merely dozed occasionally.)
I was very uncomfortable in the van, I must admit. My back hurt, my shoulders ached, my butt hurt, my legs had constant cramps and were twitchy. It was very, very, very good to FINALLY arrive at White River. @_@ We stopped right out side the city, and prayed again.
Then, we got to meet everybody! The Gathering (the church we were working with) was very, very small. I was surprised at all the churches in the town, there were several. Some of them were boarded up, however, and they didn't seem at all used. The town was very small - 595 people, that's it! That's smaller than First Baptist of Eugene!
Down in the basement of The Gathering, we met Randy and Rebecca Ellendorf, their son Gabriel and his (new!) wife, Jessa, as well as Cheryl, an AMAZING prayer intercessor, and Bradley Roan Eagle. (Bradreeee!!!)
We had dinner, and prayed, and then got our music stuff set up, and sang and prayed and practiced some more. We had been joined in Rapid City by Ryan, who lives there, and came along to be part of our team. Corinne talked Bradley into playing the guitar with us, and it was awesome to have him be part of the worship team.
Bradley is kind of special. Steve Poetzl and his wife had traveled out to Rosebud for many years. They knew Bradley when he was just a kid. He's coming to New Hope in the fall, and was pretty nervous about it ... AND THEN WE ROLLED IN.
I think Bradley is at least half of the reason God called us to go. ^___^
Anyway, we went to bed around midnight (which was pretty much par for the course of the trip), and got up in time for a 6am sunrise worship/praise service. *yawn* Again, everything we did was bathed in prayer. We prayed all the time, and when we weren't praying, we were singing!
We had breakfast, and then went up to the graveyard to pray and sing some more.
One of the things I could not get over in SD, was HOW MUCH SKY THERE WAS. IT WAS LIKE, EVERYWHERE. Here, in Oregon, we have mountains and trees and things. Even at the beach, the ocean sky stretches along for miles, but turn around, and there's a cliff behind you. There is so much sky in SD. It's everywheeeeeere!
We prayed for a long time in the cemetery. Then we began to sing. One of our songs for the trip was, "Let It Rain." As we began to sing, we could hear thunder in the distance. Soon, it began to rain. It was so amazing, and while yes, it would be easy to dismiss that as coincidence, I think it was God's blessing on our trip, because amazing things did happen.
Also, I just want to say, Jesus is amazing. I was really worried about how Shani would cope with the hot weather in SD (and me too!) But it was surprisingly mild and cool!!!! SO AWESOME! Thank you, Jesus!
When we finished praying, we went out to walk and pray in the "neighborhoods." I say neighborhoods in quotes, because there were between 12 - 16 houses ... I thought I grew up in a small town, Pleasant Hill and Creswell, but this was TINY!
There wasn't anybody really out and about, except a couple of kids riding on bikes. One of them asked us, "Why are you here?" This question ... this question was repeated, more than once to us. Not "What are you doing," but WHY. Why are you here? It was ... hard to answer. We told him we were there to pray, and when he asked where we were from, we said from Oregon.
When we walked by again, he had a wad of cash in his hand, and said, "I will pay you $11 to take me with you. This town is too small."
We had no answer for him. How could we answer that? We can't take you with us because it's illegal? Be content with where you are? It was just ... at such an early age to have no hope.
That's something that really struck me, no hope. While we were in Upper Swift Bear, the rest of the group was in Lower Swift Bear. They went down to Wine Creek, which is named that because that is where you go to get drunk. Even though it was so early in the morning, our group encountered five people who were already drunk.
One of the men had just lost his sister. Another was dying of cirrhosis of the liver, his eyes were yellow and the next day he was in the hospital. There was no hope.
We prayed with them. I say "we," even though it wasn't me personally, because we really did work as a team. Nobody could be everywhere, but we did the work.
(I'm starting to cry as I write this.)
After we prayed, it was lunchtime, and then Gabe suggested we go visit Neil and Grace (?) Old Lodge on the way to Norriss.
They were an experience. I'm not sure how to even describe them ... They were definitely of the charismatic belief of Christians, but Neil .... That man has a direct line to God. He knew we were coming. That was weird.
He would pause in the conversation and ask about something, and .... I don't know. It was just ... amazing.
I have never heard anybody pray with such authority, either. I love how he said, "Jesus." It was tender and grateful and commanding all at the same time. "In the name of JEe-suus." He prayed for us. We prayed for him. He prayed specifically over Bradley. He prayed for a prayer request of mine.
I sang for him - REALLY sang. This is hard to say, because there is a large part of me that has been shamed about my voice, shamed about singing out, shamed about "hogging the spotlight." I don't usually "really" sing for people. I sing, and I sing well, and I sing with beautiful technique. But when I "really" sing, there's something extra of me that goes into my voice. And it changes. But I don't really sing for everybody. So often, nobody has wanted to hear me, but I really sang for him. It was my present to him. <3
Anyway, after that, we dragged home. Shani and I took a nap, although other people ran about doing things or playing cards. Now that I'm home again, and still tired, I'm kind of worried that there is something wrong with me. My energy level does NOT match that of those around me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm chronically exhausted (a very possible thing), or because I don't drink energy drinks, or if there's something wrong with me ... ...
Worry aside, we had our first prayer/worship that night.
One of the things made very clear to me this trip, was that there is a difference between the physical and the spiritual world. Or realms. Or whatever you want to call it. With my spiritual eyes and ears closed up, I really couldn't see that, so I am very grateful for God's timing in opening them, because God moved MOUNTAINS this trip, but they were spiritual mountains.
Nobody came forward to be saved. We didn't baptize anybody. There were no miracles of someone suddenly getting up to walk after being bedridden, even though we prayed for those.
But God was doing stuff. He was moving. He IS moving. I believe our trip was the start of something that may take years to come to fruit. Although, we weren't really the start. The start was Randy and Rebecca, coming to live there, and pray and work and worship for years. The start was Cheryl, praying and praying and praying and praying. Their prayers and work brought us there, and our prayers and worship ... I feel like it released something.
You know, when Lucy first visited Narnia, it was still winter. Even when all four Pevensies came to Narnia, it was still winter. They began their trip to the Stone Table in winter, but even before there was a thaw, Aslan was on the move.
Just like that, under the surface, in the spiritual realm, Jesus is on the move, and there is something being done in that place.
We worshiped, and prayed and worshiped ... We worshiped for an hour, me on piano, Ryan and Bradley on guitar, Honey and Corinne singing. Max and Mark were at the back of the church, singing along beautifully, and giving this nice surround sound effect.
When we finished worshiping, we prayed for the people who were there. We prayed for Grandma Pauline, who was praying for her children and grandchildren. For their health, and salvation. We prayed for a long, long time. One of her children DID come to service at the end, and we saw her a few more times, both on our walks and in service.
We prayed for Clarissa, I think her name was. She had a stroke several years ago, and while she was slowly getting better, she was still obviously crippled from it. We prayed, and prayed, and she shared some stuff about her ... and she cried. Some of the things she said, about always replaying the voices of people who had told her she was useless, and ugly, and stupid ... When she said that, I just wrapped my arms around her as we prayed, because I KNOW what that is like. We prayed, and prayed, and she cried. She cried, and cried. She told us later, she had not cried for six years.
I know that tears seem such a little thing, but they were precious to God, and momentous in the spiritual realm. When we're in pain, and we don't cry, we just shut down, and hold off the pain, and try to ignore it, God can't heal it. He is a gentleman. The Bible says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock," God does not kick down the doors, and slam into the room forcing healing upon you. Jesus, to the man at the well of Bethsaida, asked him, "Do you want to be well?" He will only heal us with our permission. He will only save us with our permission. It is such an incredible display of His will for us, that He waits for us before He acts. He's so amazing like that.
It was a long night of prayer and worship. Corinne, Shani and I prayed for a young mother with seven kids, that she would find a babysitter. I got to hold the youngest, who was just three months. I thought my heart would melt. I long for children, for babies of my own, but so far the answer has been "no." But that is okay, because I can take that longing, and share it with Jesus. I don't have to pretend I don't want children, I don't have to harden my heart and give up, I just take it to Jesus and say, "Look. This hurts. Please, help me." And He does. Because He's cool like that.
I kind of like Jesus a lot.
The next morning did not start quite as early, a mere 8am breakfast .... Except that SD is TWO HOURS AHEAD! AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!! And we got to bed around midnight. Heh.
We prayed some more that morning. Walked around. Visited people from the church and prayed for them. We worshiped too.
We went down to Wine Creek, although David and I drove, because my knees were acting up, and hills+knees = ouchie. When we met up with the team, we prayed some more. We prayed over Wine Creek, that its name would change, and that God would renew this place. Some of the team went to the top of the hill overlooking it. They were moved to pray that someday, there would be a cross on that hill.
It seems like such a futile prayer ... But God's plans will not be set aside or moved. He sets things in motion long before we can begin to comprehend their outcome.
One of the stories that was on more than one heart of the team was the story about King Hezekiah (I think.) He had a mighty army around him on every side, and God told him, "Lead off with the singers in worship to me, and I'll take care of it." (The Melissa Translation) and the army was defeated before they even got there.
Worship moves things.
We prayed and sang for Bradley's grandpa, Lawrence, that afternoon. All 10 of us (or maybe 11 ...) crowded into his room, and sang hymns and songs and prayed for him. If I have my information correct, Lawrence has suffered a stroke. He's bedridden now, and is not doing well.
Lawrence cried while we sang. But he also smiled.
We did more worship that evening, and I shared my testimony, along with Honey and Max.
I've never felt that my "testimony," as such, is that amazing. I mean, I was raised in a Christian home, I was always a Christian, I never did drugs or alcohol, I was never promiscuous ... But after talking with Clarissa, I felt like I DID have something to say.
I hated myself. I hated myself so much, that being alone with myself would make me nauseous. It was like I had the most disgusting smell of rot coming from my soul, and I would never be anything but repulsive. I used to cut myself, because I couldn't cope with the pain of living with myself. I have scars on my wrists, and I put them there.
And Jesus loved me. He still loves me. He will always love me! He is so good! And patient! (Did I mention patient? Because that's important when it comes to me!!!!)
I may not know what it's like to struggle with an addiction, but I know what it's like to feel worthless and like you'll never be good enough. But the truth is, you don't have to be! God did that for us, and because of what He did, I am beautiful, cherished, adored, desired, lovely, and a princess.
I can share that. <3
Honey and Max's testimonies blew me away. Later, on Saturday, when we heard David's and Destiny's testimonies, I was blown away again. God is so evident in our lives, if we look for Him - if we just entertain the possibility that He COULD be involved, His involvement is so apparent.
And He is good.
There were more people that evening. Some of the people we had met down at Wine Creek had come. Or maybe that was the next day ...
Everything kind of ran together, in a timeless sort of way.
There was no agenda, as Randy put it, "We're on Reservation time." which means time is very squishy. The only "times" in the day were breakfast-time, lunch-time and dinner-time. Everything else was God's time. This was amazing. It freed us to listen to the Spirit, instead of a schedule. It gave us the freedom to just sit and pray and sing with somebody for as long as they needed ...
I kinda want my life to be like that ... Now that I'm back in a "schedule," it feels tight and itchy, like new shoes, or lace on a shirt ... It's uncomfortable.
We had church on Saturday morning. That's when David and Destiny shared their testimonies. Then, Gabe and Randy did something that blessed me very much. They washed each of the team's feet, and prayed over us. I was so touched. I bawled. (And shredded tissues).
We are certainly called to be servants, doing the nasty dirty work, of getting down on our knees with dirty people, and washing them clean.
That evening, we went to Randy & Rebecca's house in Mission, and had turtle gumbo. Everybody loved it but me. We actually ate a lot of things, venison, pheasant ... turtle. It was interesting eating out there, because the diet was SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT than the diet that I choose for myself. o_O;;; But it was okay.
I was very glad that I didn't HAVE to eat the gumbo, I did try it - quite a lot of it, because I really wanted to try it. The flavor was good, but I couldn't get around the TURTLE-NESS of it, and I'm really not a big soup fan anyway ... ... ....
There were delicious rolls to go with it, so I was okay. Mmm, bread!
We went out to the Boys & Girls club, and had a bonfire with Gabe, and several other people from the church, and youth from the area ... It was fun. It wasn't "Oh, this is so spirituaaaaaal!" but it was good fellowship time.
You can't live on the mountaintops all the time anyway.
Corinne, Honey, Mark and Randy got to minister to a young lady who showed up. She was drunk, and had some needs. They bought her groceries, and took her "home," although the things they learned about her situation would hardly qualify that as a home ... and prayed for her.
Honey prayed with her eyes open, and emphasized her prayers with stomping on cockroaches.
I'm grateful Papa-God spared me that. I sincerely dislike bugs.
Speaking of bugs, we did have a chance to drive around the reservation itself, and that was a time of great hilarity! I know I'm mixing things up chronologically (we were supposed to journal as we went along, but there was NO TIME.) We were all piled in the van, and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.
There were parts of the reservation that made me very sad, however. I won't share them here.
We set off on Sunday, after a very sweet time of fellowship with Randy, Rebecca, Gabe, Jessa, Cheryl, and Bradley.
Oh! I almost forgot, while we were praying in the graveyard (way back on the first full day!) I had a picture laid on my heart to draw for the church. I worked on it in the (very few) spare moments of the trip, and I woke up early Sunday to finish it.
Honey took pictures of it, so I'll share those when she has them done.
(That's her real name, btw. "Honey Grace." It so perfectly describes her!)
We set off for home, after a REALLY LONG (and hard) goodbye. I'm so glad Bradley is coming down in a few weeks for school! Meeting these people was totally a God thing. The family of God, when it is functioning properly, is like a family. You can be with your brothers and sisters, and feel as if you've known them forever, that's how it was with the people there. I miss them already. <3
We drove back, and stopped by Mount Rushmore, Wall Drug, the Badlands, and the Crazy Horse monument which is still being worked on.
I can't believe how sad the museum at Crazy Horse made me. Admittedly, I was tired, so that may have had something to do with it, but ... just the sadness of the history, really weighed in on me. Not just because it
happened, but because that history is still twisting and warping the present.
But I was encouraged by something Bradley texted me. (He really just should have packed up and come with us in the van. XD) I told him I was sad at the museum, and he asked why. When I shared with him about how the wrongness of all that had happened made me sad, and how I didn't know how to fix it, and that made me sad, he texted me, "We will rise."
Somehow, that lifted me up. Because raising things from death and destruction is what God does. He takes hopelessness, and makes hope. He makes springs in the desert. He makes a forest out of the wilderness.
He's all about newness, and Bradley's words helped me remember that.
We finally arrived in Billings at stupid-o-clock in the morning, got a few hours of sleep, and hit the road again. We pushed hard all the way back, and I DID actually get some sleep this time. (I think I was too exhausted NOT to sleep!)
We did have frequent bathroom breaks, however. One of the running gags of the trip was the fact that the boys CONSTANTLY had to stop for bathroom breaks. (Once we even stopped by a bush). The girls, contrary to normative cultural expectations, were like, "We're fiiiiine."
It was funny.
It was so good to roll into Eugene at 3am. We were gone for nearly exactly 7 days. Shani and I got home around 4am, and just crashed. We rested all day yesterday.
Today we've stepped back into the real world, and it's interesting, because I'm still very tired, but it's all good.
I'm so glad I got to go, and I can't wait to see what God does next. <3
It snowed here in the Willamette Valley. Last Thursday evening. It is now next Wednesday, and the ground is still "covered in white."
I am concerned myself about these continuous closures. I have a choir concert Monday night! My young choristers have now missed the three final rehearsals. Rehearsals that were sorely needed, mind you. I'm not sure what to do.
Busyness is an American disease. Even our "downtime" is filled with multi-tasking. We'll watch a movie while eating, chatting with people, making phone calls, doing homework, taking notes, playing video games and texting. Sitting still is unheard of. We bring books, phones, handheld games, magazines with us where ever we may go so we never have to endure quietly waiting. 
"Be prepared" is a motto of not only the Boy Scouts, but of all America, and not just because of the song.
