A Guide (that was supposed to be quick, but isn't) to Eating Better

So, for the past few years, I've been poking around and learning about nutrition. Not at the speed of light or anything, just ... here and there.

The biggest thing I've learned: EVERYBODY DISAGREES.

No matter what research you read, you will find someone else who has done research that differs, or even contradicts, what you just read.

This is frustrating and confusing.

However, I have grasped enough to form my own, and I hope, informed opinions.

My Shani has recently expressed she just doesn't know about nutrition, and as I see the multiple posts on Pinterest about "healthy" recipes, I have reached the conclusion that Shani is by no means alone.

On the other hand, she also said she doesn't want to make food complicated, and considering the amount of confusing, complicated information (as well as experimentation with my own body) that I've waded through, I don't blame her.

So, I'm putting together this quick guide to eating better. Not best, not perfectly, not "healthily," but better.

Not that it's difficult to find an improvement to the typical American diet.

1. Know that you are going to be swimming counter-culture against a really strong current.
The American diet is based on profit and convenience. Food manufacturers are all about increasing their profit margin (frequently backed by government grants), and our culture of over-busyness and over-commitment means all those packaged "foods" are the only thing we can fit into our schedule. If you want to eat better, know that you will need to make time and space for it, and you will be the weird one among your friends.

2. Focus on REAL versus FAKE. 
Our super-processed convenience meals that can be ready in "five minutes or less!" are made up of more chemicals, preservatives and dyes than actual food. If you want to scare yourself, read the ingredients on the backs of some of that stuff. I don't even know what some of that stuff IS, but food, it ain't!
Actually, the more you process food (grind, cut, bake, boil, mix, etc) the more nutrients are released from the food. So when you're buying bread, or pasta, or microwave dinners, which have been processed, dyed and preserved to fit in that little box, you're not getting the nutrition in the grains, meat, vegetables or fruits that originally made that meal - although you WILL be getting all those delicious "extra" chemicals to make sure the "food" doesn't perish.

So, when at all possible, make your own food. OR, choose foods that only have ingredients you can recognize.

And btw, High Fructose Corn Syrup is NOT an ingredient. (More on that later).

3. Focus on FULL versus EMPTY.
Something that really impacted me in all my nutrition research was a comment I heard in a documentary that went SOMETHING like this, "We're overfed on calories, but starving to death nutritionally!"
A lot of the food we eat is super-full in calories (like one of those huge, delicious Costco muffins - enough calories to equal a meal!), but not at all full of nutrition. Calories are used for energy, but nutrients are used for everything else. So if you're starved of nutrients, you're going to feel hungry, even if you've already eaten twice as many calories than you need!

Focus on eating foods that meet your nutritional needs and are low in calories, instead of "empty" foods that are high in calories.

4. Where to get all those nutrients.
Basically the only nutrient Americans think of is protein. We LOVE protein, and tend to think all our nutritional needs come back MORE PROTEIN.

Actually, what we need are VEGETABLES.

Vegetables are nutritionally dense, while simultaneously being low in calories - how awesome is that? And we need a LOT of them, and we need a VARIETY of them. About half of the food you eat should be vegetables: kale, spinach, cucumbers, squash, zucchini, broccoli, peppers, onions, garlic, carrots, celery, etc. (BTW - potatoes & corn aren't actually veggies. Potatoes are a root - although sweet potatoes are nutritionally dense - and corn is a grain. Also, iceberg lettuce is basically useless, nutritionally speaking.)

Veggies. Eat them.

Since vegetables are about half your diet now, that leaves four "categories" of foods: grains, legumes (beans), fruits and meats.

Depending on who you talk to and what research you choose to believe, each of these food groups can be "bad" for you. I won't bore you with the details, because this is about eating better, not perfectly, and if you're eating real food that's nutritionally dense, you're already doing AWESOME.

(Feel free to read the research - there's TOO much!!!! - and draw your own conclusions).

Anyway, if you divide up the last 50% of your nutritional intake up equally between these food groups, you should be doing well. Here's what these things do for you:

Fruits: SO MANY NUTRIENTS!!! WHOO HOO!!!! THEY ARE DELICIOUS FOR YOUR BODY! YOUR BODY WILL DO A DANCE OF GRATEFULNESS! Also, they are packed with carbohydrates, and good sugars, so they're an excellent source of quick energy. (Warning: fruit juices can be absorbed too quickly into the blood stream, leading to a sugar high, so those are best taken in VERY small amounts).
Grains: Fiber! Carbohydrates! Roughage! Minerals! B vitamins! (Although you'll get lots of fiber, roughage, minerals and vitamins from your veggies, so y'know.) A big problem with grains is that they come to us so over-processed, that we try to stick the nutrients BACK in them by "enriching" them. This chemistry process done to my food frightens me. Also, many grains are genetically modified to produce more grain per stalk of wheat/corn, etc, and we're discovering that messing with food genetics might not have been the best idea ...
Meats/Dairy: Protein, obviously, America's favorite nutrient, minerals and some vitamins that humans can have a hard time getting from veggies. The downside to meats is they are high in fat and calories, so we actually need far less in our servings than we usually eat. Also, the meats typically served to us are low quality, and prepared in ways that are NOT good for our bodies. (Please, don't eat hot dogs or fast-food meats. Just say no.)
Legumes/Nuts: Fiber! Carbohydrates! Minerals! Vitamins! Protein! Good fats! (From the nuts) Gas! One of the protests about legumes is they can be hard to digest, although your body can sometimes adjust. Although, if you choose to go without meat, you'll need these plant-foods for the protein in your diet.

5. Things to Avoid Like the Plague.
High Fructose Corn Syrup. It's in nearly everything as a sweetener, and is basically food-heroine. Seriously, a slow, liquid death.
Aspartame and other sugar "substitutes." Cancer in a powdery form. You THOUGHT all those diet drinks were good for you, but they're actually killing you slowly, and, btw, making you crave MORE sweets. In my opinion, if you have to choose between regular soda and diet, choose regular. (Even though that has high fructose corn syrup. Although sometimes you can find imported sodas that have actual SUGAR, and that is AWESOME.)
Food dyes & preservatives. Please don't let your body become a chemical dumping ground for the food industry's profit margin.
White breads/processed white flour. This form of wheat has been SO processed and ground up, all that's left of it is the carbohydrate, which immediately turns to sugar and hits our bloodstream. This is why it tastes good, leads to a sugar high, but shortly after you will have a headache (sugar crash) and will be hungry again (no nutrients).

All righty! That quick guide turned into a long guide, and I'm sorry! But I hope this helps those of you who want to eat better, but not obsess over fooooooood!!!!!

Also, I'm sure there are disagreements with what I've put, as I've said, there are contradictions EVERYWHERE in nutritional research. So, instead of shouting at me that I'm wrong, feel free to gently and humbly share the research & experiences that led you to YOUR beliefs about nutrition!

I'm Not Alone

I've been doing better this week! I've wanted to post about this sooner, but - well, you know me, "Busy, busy!" (I'm working on that.)

After I posted my blog last time, something really, really amazing happened:

People called me!

One of my friends called me immediately, and talked with me about my struggles, encouraged me with his friendship, and assured me he would be there for me - I wouldn't be alone.

After that, my favorite sister-in-law (I only have one) texted, and invited me to come along on some errands with her, and my favorite nephew (again, I only have the one), then we went out for tea. (Bubble tea! Whoo hoo!)

I was so encouraged.

It helped me a lot, and now that I'm feeling a bit better, I can have some more perspective on what was happening to me emotionally.

Last year was pretty awful. I was very isolated. I had my children, yes, but my peers had moved away, (Caleb, Peter, Lisa) were enmeshed in their own difficulties (Bry, Amy), etc.

And the thing is, we're not meant to be alone.

I know my blog alarmed some people - especially the people who haven't experienced living with those kinds of emotions. But I'm proud of it.

I'm proud that I shared what I was feeling, because there were two good consequences from it:

1) I expressed how I felt by doing something creative and constructive instead of hurting myself,
2) I found out I was not alone.

I think that is the scariest thing for me; feeling like I'm totally, completely alone with no one to help me, and having to be strong all by myself.

But having people respond to me - show me that they care about me, that was so affirming!

It was also encouraging, because it confirmed that even if I AM busy and stressed out again this year, and even if the financial situation doesn't improve, there is something different, and it's a big thing:

I am not alone.

And that gives me courage.

A Bit Of Honesty

The past three days, it has been really hard not to cut myself.

And that really scares me.

I don't want to cut myself, and I hate that the desire is even still a part of me. I want so badly to be "normal," and instead I find myself fighting back tears, fighting back anxiety attacks, and trying to ignore the tingly sensations from my wrists.

Yeah, that's a thing. I have an actual physical sensation in my wrists that will only go away if I scratch at them until they bleed.

I haven't, yet.

I haven't scratched/cut in 14 months. And I've only done it once in the past 26.

I really don't want to break that streak. I want it to continue on until I die of old age. I never want to cut myself again.

And yet here I am, in that place again, fighting desperately against anxiety, ignoring the twitch in my fingers and itch in my wrists, and feeling so trapped, like there's no way out.

I feel so buried.

I remember reading the story of Sinbad the Sailor, and on one of his seven journeys (and, I'm sorry, but I would have stopped journeying after the FIRST major disaster, riches or not!) he was buried alive with his dead wife.

I remember reading about how he was forced to follow her dead body into the tomb, how he had one drink of water and one loaf of bread with him. How the air was dusty and smelled of cobwebs, old linen and death. How they rolled the stone across the tomb, and it was dark. How he sat there on the cold stone slab beside the body of his dead wife, and just waited.

No hope of escape. Just waiting to die, and hoping it would come sooner rather than later.

I feel like Sinbad right now, watching the stone get rolled across the tomb, and all the light disappearing, and the air getting hot and close, filled with the dust of corpses.

No wonder I'm not coping, feeling like that. o_O;

I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to cope. The healthy part of me says, "This will pass. What you thought was going to happen, isn't, but things could still be okay!"

The rest of me is screaming, "I can't do this anymore!!!!!" I can't face another nine months of hopelessness, trapped in a burdensome, never-ending cycle of working, working, working and never having enough money, of always being completely stressed out and exhausted, of being completely isolated because of busyness.

We didn't even "really" get to celebrate Christmas last year!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Christmas is special. I know the cliche "It's about love, and family, and togetherness, and Jesus," but when you're so exhausted you feel constantly sick, and you feel totally frustrated at every turn because you can't give like you want too, and you don't have time for even the FREE Christmas traditions ...

It's really hard.

Right now, as I look at my life, all I can see for the next year is more isolation, more loneliness, more exhaustion, more feeling sick all the time, and no fun. EVER.

I only realized a couple weeks ago that last school year, I didn't do anything that was just ME. I didn't game. I didn't geek out about anything. I didn't hang out with friends. I didn't have any parties. I didn't do anything that was just ME.

Okay, maybe a couple things. Caleb came over for a short Christmas time with us. Aaaaaaaand ... that is all I remember doing.

*whimper*

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I know all the pat answers: "You're just not trusting God enough," "Give it to the Lord," "He'll give you strength," "You don't know what the future brings, " "Things will be different, don't worry," "Just don't worry about it," "God will provide," and I know these things - I don't really need somebody to tell me these, because I'm already shouting them at myself inside my head.

But what do I do with the feels?

What do I do with the dread I feel at facing another long, empty and lonely school year?
What do I do with how trapped I feel into working at anything, just to make ends meet?
What do I do with the anxiety that is clutching at my throat, and making my heart skip a beat?
What do I do with the tingling in my wrists that I have to remember, every moment, don't give in to?

What do I do with the feels?

"Hear my cry, O God! Listen to my prayer!

From the ends of the earth, I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.

I long to dwell in Your tent forever, and take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

For You, God have heard my vows, You have given me the heritage of those who fear Your name.

May [I] be [in] God's presence forever, appoint Your love and faithfulness to protect [me].

Then I will ever sing in praise of Your name, and fulfill my vows day by day."

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.

 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?

My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

 By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
 My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God."

Extrovert - Introvert

I've noticed lately that there is a growing portion of the internet devoted to telling the "differences" or "frustrations" or "problems" of introverts and extroverts.

There's a lot of stuff.

There's a lot of jokes.

And I think there's a lot of misunderstanding ...

Firstly, there is a misunderstanding of the meaning of the words introvert/extrovert. Culturally we infer they mean reclusive/gregarious.In fact, a quick google of the words will tell you an introvert is shy and retiring, an extrovert is outgoing.

But an "introvert" can be outgoing and gregarious. And "extrovert" can be shy and quiet at times.

My personal favorite definition is where you get your energy from.

An introvert gathers energy from being alone. An extrovert gathers energy from being with others.

I am an extrovert. My two best friends are introverts.

This has caused some conflict in our relationships as we've had to learn to live with each other.

One of the things I see going around the internet regarding introversion/extroversion worries me a bit. There are adamant statements of "just accept me the way I am," and a kind of like it or lump it attitude.

Can we just be clear this doesn't work in relationships?

Relationships can function (badly) with rigid "you-me" barriers, but they work so much better with flexible boundaries and sharing of needs.

In my relationship with my own two introverts, I've had to change some of my expectations and actions. They've had to do the same.

When I'm out in public with my friends, I (try) to think twice before I chatter with random strangers, raise my vocal volume, or be a bit of a spectacle.

I do this because I've learned they are uncomfortable with me asking random strangers about where they got their clothes, how cute their kid is, or whatever crosses my mind. I (try) not to raise my vocal volume or dance down the aisles of the store with the mannequin because I've learned they do not want to be noticed. 

On the other hand, they've learned that being with me in public is going to LEAD to being noticed, no matter how hard I try. (And let's face it, they love me as I am!) That I will laugh loud in the theater, and the only thing shushing me does is hurt my feelings. (And a crying extrovert is noticeable in a much worse way.)

I've learned that when they're feeling really stressed out and miserable, they need some time alone. It's not about me, but when they spend some time on the river fishing, or chilling in the house alone, when we get back together, they'll talk and chat, and feel much better.

On the other hand, they've learned that if I'm really stressed out, I need them to sit there and listen to me for hours as I "verbally process," and eventually I'll be able to be quiet and listen.

I've learned that my roommate needs some space after she gets off work. She just spent several hours with lots of people, and she's burned out. This can be hard for me, because when I see her after a long day apart, the FIRST thing I want to do is talk about our days!

So, I've learned to wait a little, and she knows that I'll need to be listened to later.

I've learned that while I think a party with lots of people is the best thing EVER, they prefer an intimate get together.(  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlT-6PRKL1Q )

That doesn't mean we can't have big parties, but they will need warning, a private space to escape to, and they're probably not going to be in the middle of everything with me.

Actually, Shani and I are an excellent hostess team, and the secret is using our differences to our advantage. I play hostess in the middle of the people, breaking the ice, chatting, introducing people, getting laughs, and she stays in the background, making sure food is ready, drinks are full, and things are running smoothly.

Because we've accepted our differences, we can integrate our strengths to make an incredible team!

And that's the thing. Relationship isn't about drawing lines in the sand, and saying, "You will NOT do this, and you WILL do this," it's about creatively meeting needs; both theirs and yours. This takes a lot of honest communication, and a lot of practice!!!

Counter the Culture

Warning: Some Readers may consider images explicit.

"Fitness."
"Healthy."
"Working out."
"Diet."

What do those words mean to you?

To me, they come with a lot of baggage, and as I've struggled to clear a way through the media messages, the fear-mongering, and the conflicting research, I've felt confused, hurt, guilty, ashamed, ugly, and fat.

Now, I'm angry.

I'm angry at messages like these that preach being "fat" is emotionally painful and shameful, with their accompanying images of women to show us what we should look like:

 Am I supposed to feel morally guilty because I'm overweight?

 I've seen the research. Only a few percentage of women can achieve visibly sculpted abs like this and be at a healthy body fat %.

 Frankly, when I think of the "best" version of myself, the things that come to mind first are kind, loving, gentle, encouraging, persistent, dedicated, Godly ... the last thing on my list of "best" is wearing a bikini and having a boob job. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's not even ON the list!

  The girl I've always wanted to be is one who would change the world. And I don't plan to do that in a string bikini.

 

 I'm pretty sure this lady was photoshopped, and is on steroids. Also, I love the implication that unless I have a body like hers, it should be covered in SHAME. ("Shun the unbeliever!!!")

 

 Frankly, I exercise so I can lift heavy things on my own (I'm a single gal), so I can avoid the heart disease and diabetes on BOTH sides of the family, and so I can be here for as long as possible! (Changing the world takes a long time!) And I'm really, really ANGRY at the explicit statement that A) without exercise one can never be pretty, and B) the picture of the lady shows you what "pretty" is.

 Oh! How useful! Now I have a list of how exactly I do not measure up! Again, can I point out that there are many very fit, beautiful women who do NOT have a gap between their thighs? Who do NOT have a "perfectly flat stomach." (That's generally GUY territory, ladies.) And I love being told that I am supposed to hate myself when I feel full.

It's true, food does not satisfy all my longings, neither does it define me. But that does not mean I have to conform to your definition of Who I Ought To Be Either. (And can we notice, HER stomach isn't perfectly flat either?)

 This ... wow. I have no words. Or rather, I have so many words, they can't all get OUT.

I have experienced emotional pain over my weight. I have lived through deep guilt and shame over how I look. I have literally chanted, over and over in my head, "I am fat and ugly."

You know what I've learned? That emotional pain was NOT from the fat. It was from a much deeper broken part of me that believed I was inherently worthless and unloved. Now that I have learned (through counseling and wonderful friends) that I am priceless and loved, I have no emotional pain over my weight or appearance.

I can get on the scale fearlessly, because that number is not a measure of Who I Am, it is a mere number! It can indicate if there's things I need to change in my life (just like feeling guilty every day indicated I needed to change things in my life!), but it does not and SHOULD NOT give me emotional pain.

 I see. So, if i do not have muscle pain from working out, I am supposed to feel guilty? Okay! Great message! Will (not) do!

 I've had lots of worst feelings than this. If this is "the worst" feeling you've experienced, I'd love to trade lives with you - no wait, my painful experiences have shaped me into a better person ... Thanks, I'll stick with the REAL traumas and tragedies that have shattered my life, and have now become beautiful.

Get a bigger pair of pants. Seriously. Has anybody else noticed that when you try on clothes, and they don't fit, you feel like there's something wrong with YOU? But if we think about this, weren't the clothes made for US? So ... shouldn't that be the other way around?

Another thing that angers me is how many of these photos objectify women. 5 out of 9 of these photos with women cut off the head, and focused on one part of the body. When you remove someone's head, and focus on a body part, they are changed into an object, rather than a person we can relate to.

These "inspirational" fitness messages are also clearly carrying the message for women to objectify their body! No wonder "being the best you can be" refers to a woman's body, since she's an object, and that's the tangible part of her.

I realize I'm using heated words. You may wonder why the above images merit such vehemence. That's because it gets worse.

It gets downright pornographic:

 (Cover image for a fitness regime for "perky" breasts.)

I'M REALLY UPSET HERE.

I'm upset that my body is not about me, it's about being sexy. It's about conformity. It's about "looking" good.

What about being good?

Are the cuddles I give to my nephew worth less because I don't have a flat tummy and a gap between my thighs?

Does the way I serve others mean less because I didn't find time to exercise?

Am I worthless? Is what I do meaningless?

NO!!!

Please understand, I am not soap-boxing about living unhealthily! Not at all. I am healthier mentally and emotionally than I have ever been, and I REALLY understand that I must take care of my physical health in order to BE THERE for my nephew, and to SERVE OTHERS better. (Ironic, isn't it, that to put the ultimate good of others first, my health must be a first priority.) And I am not living the healthy way I want to, but I am going to be.

But I am soap-boxing about how we understand healthy.
I am soap-boxing about how we view our bodies.
I am soap-boxing about feeling ashamed.
I am soap-boxing about obsessing.
I am soap-boxing about how we have gleefully jumped on a media bandwagon, and bought everything they sold us, without question.

Think. Ask. Research.

Don't stay brainwashed.

South Dakota Mission Trip, 2013

Where do I even begin?

Do I begin with Shani mentioning the trip to me back in April?

Do I begin with the nudge I felt despite my reluctance to go?

Do I begin with meeting the group for the first time?

Do I begin with trying to raise funds?

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you ..." Jeremiah 1:5
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 29:11

God is good.

When Shani told me about the trip, I was reluctant and unsure. After all, I don't even GO to New Hope Christian College, and it would be weird to hang out with a bunch of strangers for a week. But I prayed about it a bit, and I knew that I was in a very dry spot, spiritually, and that God does things when we go out on a limb for Him.

So I said yes.

We met Corinne and David for our interviews, and my nervousness wasn't really allayed. They were obviously from very different walks of life from me, and were "weird." (I have to admit, I still carry a lot of baggage from my very conservative upbringing, and purple hair is not on "the list" of Things For A Good Christian.)

But they were nice, and I was honest. Hearing about the trip made me more nervous - we would be doing things that I hadn't done before, and it would be in a culture and world that I didn't know the rules to - not just the culture of the reservation, but the New Hope culture. As someone who has been rejected by society multiple times, I am very uncomfortable not knowing "the rules."

While we only had to raise $300 for the trip, that was something that was still COMPLETELY out of reach for Shani and I. Summer is a terrible, terrible time for finances for us, and while God has faithfully provided each summer, it still stresses me out, A LOT. If we were going to come up with $300, EACH, it would definitely have to be a God-thing.

I love my church. They are so giving and generous. When I think about how God's family "should" be, I picture them. When I first came to the church, it was for a bit of a break from the church I was at. I was the pianist there, and was completely burnt out. I decided to try them out for the summer, just for ease of transportation.

They loved me! I had never experienced that as part of the family of God before. I know it sounds weird to say, because that's how we're SUPPOSED to be, but sadly, I have experienced a LOT of rejection from "the church" (little c, because that's obviously not the REAL Church!). But this church ... actually cared about me. They cared about how I was doing emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. I didn't have to go to church and pretend to be okay, or have to play the piano because it was "needed." What I needed was more important than what I could provide.

In any case, despite our being such a small congregation, God used our church to supply Shani and I with the finances we needed - abundantly! Not only did we come up with the money for the trip, God used other people and other donations that allowed me to get clothes for the trip (something I sorely needed), all the little supplies for the trip (shampoo, bug spray, etc), AND we had enough left over to help some of the others out with their finances for the trip.

God is so faithful!!!! I have such a hard time remembering that when I'm in the midst of the problem, and I don't "see" any solution, but I have come to know (although it doesn't help my emotional distress) that if God wants it done, It Will Be Done. And I was so blessed that He gave us extra for clothes and pajamas and things. (I had not gotten pajamas for YEARS. What I had was thoroughly indecent for anywhere but home!)

We had had a team meeting in June, although some of the people had dropped out since then, so our first official meeting was Sunday, about 36 hours before we left for South Dakota.

We were an interesting group! But one of the things we had prayed for was unity and love among the group, not just for our benefit, but for the benefit of those around us as a witness. God answered that prayer dramatically, even though we couldn't see it fully answered until the end of the trip.

We set off for South Dakota at 4am from New Hope Christian College in the F2, a 15 passenger van owned by NHCC. Thank the Lord, it did have air conditioning (something we weren't sure about)!

It was a long, long, long, long, long, long, long drive. We didn't even go all the way to South Dakota, just Billings, Montana, but it was VERY far away.

I loved how everything about the trip was bathed in prayer. We prayed for everything, all the time, with many words, but from the heart. (Or Spirit, if you prefer.) We stopped at the Coeur d'Alene's Old Mission in Idaho as we drove by, since Mark felt we ought to stop. It was very cool. We learned about some of the previous work done by Christians to spread the gospel. The chapel there was built by the Native American's themselves, and it was done with pride. In the church, we prayed and sang over our trip, and our efforts to bring peace and freedom.

The singing was beautiful in the chapel, and it rang out in the rafters.

One thing that I took away with me, was when we went to the building where the novitiates had stayed. There was a page from their 38 page rule book, and it said they had to make their bed every day so, "those who see it may be edified." I had never thought about tidiness as something that edifies others, but it is true that a messy room, and a messy place is not edifying, nor does it bring peace. While I'm not at ALL proposing some kind of legalistic bed-making regime, it has given me furiously to think, and I want to try to be edifying in all the little aspects of my life as well as the big ones.

We drove on. And on. And on. I swear, Billings was running away from us, it took so long to arrive!!!!!!!!

At one point, Mark was in the back, and Shani and I got to share and talk with him for awhile. When I signed up for the trip, I had wondered if God was going to return to me the sense of His presence.

You see, I had always had a very vibrant sense of God's leading, and presence until something happened that hurt me very, very much. For years, I have had occasional times where I felt God's presence, but primarily, I have been walking in obedience and faith, not feeling like He was there, and certainly not "listening." I had followed something I had believed was God's leading, but it wasn't. Since then, I had squinched my eyes shut tight, and covered my ears, too afraid to hear or see anything, just in case it was wrong again.

Mark, Shani and I prayed, and God gave me back that feeling of His presence and leading, and I was so blessed to have that with me the entire week. I believe it will continue with me now. (I bawled, honestly.)

We got to Billings around 3am, and crashed on a church floor. The original plan had been to leave at 4am or 6, but we decided to sleep for a bit, and ended up leaving around 7. It was still VERY early after driving for nearly 24 hours, and having only a few hours of sleep before we left. (I did not sleep in the van, merely dozed occasionally.)

I was very uncomfortable in the van, I must admit. My back hurt, my shoulders ached, my butt hurt, my legs had constant cramps and were twitchy. It was very, very, very good to FINALLY arrive at White River. @_@  We stopped right out side the city, and prayed again.

Then, we got to meet everybody! The Gathering (the church we were working with) was very, very small. I was surprised at all the churches in the town, there were several. Some of them were boarded up, however, and they didn't seem at all used. The town was very small - 595 people, that's it! That's smaller than First Baptist of Eugene!

Down in the basement of The Gathering, we met Randy and Rebecca Ellendorf, their son Gabriel and his (new!) wife, Jessa, as well as Cheryl, an AMAZING prayer intercessor, and Bradley Roan Eagle. (Bradreeee!!!)

We had dinner, and prayed, and then got our music stuff set up, and sang and prayed and practiced some more. We had been joined in Rapid City by Ryan, who lives there, and came along to be part of our team. Corinne talked Bradley into playing the guitar with us, and it was awesome to have him be part of the worship team.

Bradley is kind of special. Steve Poetzl and his wife had traveled out to Rosebud for many years. They knew Bradley when he was just a kid. He's coming to New Hope in the fall, and was pretty nervous about it ... AND THEN WE ROLLED IN.

I think Bradley is at least half of the reason God called us to go. ^___^

Anyway, we went to bed around midnight (which was pretty much par for the course of the trip), and got up in time for a 6am sunrise worship/praise service. *yawn* Again, everything we did was bathed in prayer. We prayed all the time, and when we weren't praying, we were singing!

We had breakfast, and then went up to the graveyard to pray and sing some more.

One of the things I could not get over in SD, was HOW MUCH SKY THERE WAS. IT WAS LIKE, EVERYWHERE. Here, in Oregon, we have mountains and trees and things. Even at the beach, the ocean sky stretches along for miles, but turn around, and there's a cliff behind you. There is so much sky in SD. It's everywheeeeeere!

We prayed for a long time in the cemetery. Then we began to sing. One of our songs for the trip was, "Let It Rain." As we began to sing, we could hear thunder in the distance. Soon, it began to rain. It was so amazing, and while yes, it would be easy to dismiss that as coincidence, I think it was God's blessing on our trip, because amazing things did happen.

Also, I just want to say, Jesus is amazing. I was really worried about how Shani would cope with the hot weather in SD (and me too!) But it was surprisingly mild and cool!!!! SO AWESOME! Thank you, Jesus!

When we finished praying, we went out to walk and pray in the "neighborhoods." I say neighborhoods in quotes, because there were between 12 - 16 houses ... I thought I grew up in a small town, Pleasant Hill and Creswell, but this was TINY!

There wasn't anybody really out and about, except a couple of kids riding on bikes. One of them asked us, "Why are you here?" This question ... this question was repeated, more than once to us. Not "What are you doing," but WHY. Why are you here? It was ... hard to answer. We told him we were there to pray, and when he asked where we were from, we said from Oregon.

When we walked by again, he had a wad of cash in his hand, and said, "I will pay you $11 to take me with you. This town is too small."

We had no answer for him. How could we answer that? We can't take you with us because it's illegal? Be content with where you are? It was just ... at such an early age to have no hope.

That's something that really struck me, no hope. While we were in Upper Swift Bear, the rest of the group was in Lower Swift Bear. They went down to Wine Creek, which is named that because that is where you go to get drunk. Even though it was so early in the morning, our group encountered five people who were already drunk.

One of the men had just lost his sister. Another was dying of cirrhosis of the liver, his eyes were yellow and the next day he was in the hospital. There was no hope.

We prayed with them. I say "we," even though it wasn't me personally, because we really did work as a team. Nobody could be everywhere, but we did the work.

(I'm starting to cry as I write this.)

After we prayed, it was lunchtime, and then Gabe suggested we go visit Neil and Grace (?) Old Lodge on the way to Norriss.

They were an experience. I'm not sure how to even describe them ... They were definitely of the charismatic belief of Christians, but Neil .... That man has a direct line to God. He knew we were coming. That was weird.

He would pause in the conversation and ask about something, and .... I don't know. It was just ... amazing.

I have never heard anybody pray with such authority, either. I love how he said, "Jesus." It was tender and grateful and commanding all at the same time. "In the name of JEe-suus." He prayed for us. We prayed for him. He prayed specifically over Bradley. He prayed for a prayer request of mine.

I sang for him - REALLY sang. This is hard to say, because there is a large part of me that has been shamed about my voice, shamed about singing out, shamed about "hogging the spotlight." I don't usually "really" sing for people. I sing, and I sing well, and I sing with beautiful technique. But when I "really" sing, there's something extra of me that goes into my voice. And it changes. But I don't really sing for everybody. So often, nobody has wanted to hear me, but I really sang for him. It was my present to him. <3

Anyway, after that, we dragged home. Shani and I took a nap, although other people ran about doing things or playing cards. Now that I'm home again, and still tired, I'm kind of worried that there is something wrong with me. My energy level does NOT match that of those around me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm chronically exhausted (a very possible thing), or because I don't drink energy drinks, or if there's something wrong with me ... ...

Worry aside, we had our first prayer/worship that night.

One of the things made very clear to me this trip, was that there is a difference between the physical and the spiritual world. Or realms. Or whatever you want to call it. With my spiritual eyes and ears closed up, I really couldn't see that, so I am very grateful for God's timing in opening them, because God moved MOUNTAINS this trip, but they were spiritual mountains.

Nobody came forward to be saved. We didn't baptize anybody. There were no miracles of someone suddenly getting up to walk after being bedridden, even though we prayed for those.

But God was doing stuff. He was moving. He IS moving. I believe our trip was the start of something that may take years to come to fruit. Although, we weren't really the start. The start was Randy and Rebecca, coming to live there, and pray and work and worship for years. The start was Cheryl, praying and praying and praying and praying. Their prayers and work brought us there, and our prayers and worship ... I feel like it released something.

You know, when Lucy first visited Narnia, it was still winter. Even when all four Pevensies came to Narnia, it was still winter. They began their trip to the Stone Table in winter, but even before there was a thaw, Aslan was on the move.

Just like that, under the surface, in the spiritual realm, Jesus is on the move, and there is something being done in that place.

We worshiped, and prayed and worshiped ... We worshiped for an hour, me on piano, Ryan and Bradley on guitar, Honey and Corinne singing. Max and Mark were at the back of the church, singing along beautifully, and giving this nice surround sound effect.

When we finished worshiping, we prayed for the people who were there. We prayed for Grandma Pauline, who was praying for her children and grandchildren. For their health, and salvation. We prayed for a long, long time. One of her children DID come to service at the end, and we saw her a few more times, both on our walks and in service.

We prayed for Clarissa, I think her name was. She had a stroke several years ago, and while she was slowly getting better, she was still obviously crippled from it. We prayed, and prayed, and she shared some stuff about her ... and she cried. Some of the things she said, about always replaying the voices of people who had told her she was useless, and ugly, and stupid ... When she said that, I just wrapped my arms around her as we prayed, because I KNOW what that is like. We prayed, and prayed, and she cried. She cried, and cried. She told us later, she had not cried for six years.

I know that tears seem such a little thing, but they were precious to God, and momentous in the spiritual realm. When we're in pain, and we don't cry, we just shut down, and hold off the pain, and try to ignore it, God can't heal it. He is a gentleman. The Bible says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock," God does not kick down the doors, and slam into the room forcing healing upon you. Jesus, to the man at the well of Bethsaida, asked him, "Do you want to be well?" He will only heal us with our permission. He will only save us with our permission. It is such an incredible display of His will for us, that He waits for us before He acts. He's so amazing like that.

It was a long night of prayer and worship. Corinne, Shani and I prayed for a young mother with seven kids, that she would find a babysitter. I got to hold the youngest, who was just three months. I thought my heart would melt. I long for children, for babies of my own, but so far the answer has been "no." But that is okay, because I can take that longing, and share it with Jesus. I don't have to pretend I don't want children, I don't have to harden my heart and give up, I just take it to Jesus and say, "Look. This hurts. Please, help me." And He does. Because He's cool like that.

I kind of like Jesus a lot.

The next morning did not start quite as early, a mere 8am breakfast .... Except that SD is TWO HOURS AHEAD! AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH!!! And we got to bed around midnight. Heh.

We prayed some more that morning. Walked around. Visited people from the church and prayed for them. We worshiped too.

We went down to Wine Creek, although David and I drove, because my knees were acting up, and hills+knees = ouchie. When we met up with the team, we prayed some more. We prayed over Wine Creek, that its name would change, and that God would renew this place. Some of the team went to the top of the hill overlooking it. They were moved to pray that someday, there would be a cross on that hill.

It seems like such a futile prayer ... But God's plans will not be set aside or moved. He sets things in motion long before we can begin to comprehend their outcome.

One of the stories that was on more than one heart of the team was the story about King Hezekiah (I think.) He had a mighty army around him on every side, and God told him, "Lead off with the singers in worship to me, and I'll take care of it." (The Melissa Translation) and the army was defeated before they even got there.

Worship moves things.

We prayed and sang for Bradley's grandpa, Lawrence, that afternoon. All 10 of us (or maybe 11 ...) crowded into his room, and sang hymns and songs and prayed for him. If I have my information correct, Lawrence has suffered a stroke. He's bedridden now, and is not doing well.

Lawrence cried while we sang. But he also smiled.

We did more worship that evening, and I shared my testimony, along with Honey and Max.

I've never felt that my "testimony," as such, is that amazing. I mean, I was raised in a Christian home, I was always a Christian, I never did drugs or alcohol, I was never promiscuous ... But after talking with Clarissa, I felt like I DID have something to say.

I hated myself. I hated myself so much, that being alone with myself would make me nauseous. It was like I had the most disgusting smell of rot coming from my soul, and I would never be anything but repulsive. I used to cut myself, because I couldn't cope with the pain of living with myself. I have scars on my wrists, and I put them there.

And Jesus loved me. He still loves me. He will always love me! He is so good! And patient! (Did I mention patient? Because that's important when it comes to me!!!!)

I may not know what it's like to struggle with an addiction, but I know what it's like to feel worthless and like you'll never be good enough. But the truth is, you don't have to be! God did that for us, and because of what He did, I am beautiful, cherished, adored, desired, lovely, and a princess.

I can share that. <3

Honey and Max's testimonies blew me away. Later, on Saturday, when we heard David's and Destiny's testimonies, I was blown away again. God is so evident in our lives, if we look for Him - if we just entertain the possibility that He COULD be involved, His involvement is so apparent.

And He is good.

There were more people that evening. Some of the people we had met down at Wine Creek had come. Or maybe that was the next day ...

Everything kind of ran together, in a timeless sort of way.

There was no agenda, as Randy put it, "We're on Reservation time." which means time is very squishy. The only "times" in the day were breakfast-time, lunch-time and dinner-time. Everything else was God's time. This was amazing. It freed us to listen to the Spirit, instead of a schedule. It gave us the freedom to just sit and pray and sing with somebody for as long as they needed ...

I kinda want my life to be like that ... Now that I'm back in a "schedule," it feels tight and itchy, like new shoes, or lace on a shirt ... It's uncomfortable.

We had church on Saturday morning. That's when David and Destiny shared their testimonies. Then, Gabe and Randy did something that blessed me very much. They washed each of the team's feet, and prayed over us. I was so touched. I bawled. (And shredded tissues).

We are certainly called to be servants, doing the nasty dirty work, of getting down on our knees with dirty people, and washing them clean.

That evening, we went to Randy & Rebecca's house in Mission, and had turtle gumbo. Everybody loved it but me. We actually ate a lot of things, venison, pheasant ... turtle. It was interesting eating out there, because the diet was SO TOTALLY DIFFERENT than the diet that I choose for myself. o_O;;; But it was okay.

I was very glad that I didn't HAVE to eat the gumbo, I did try it - quite a lot of it, because I really wanted to try it. The flavor was good, but I couldn't get around the TURTLE-NESS of it, and I'm really not a big soup fan anyway ... ... ....

There were delicious rolls to go with it, so I was okay. Mmm, bread!

We went out to the Boys & Girls club, and had a bonfire with Gabe, and several other people from the church, and youth from the area ... It was fun. It wasn't "Oh, this is so spirituaaaaaal!" but it was good fellowship time.

You can't live on the mountaintops all the time anyway.

Corinne, Honey, Mark and Randy got to minister to a young lady who showed up. She was drunk, and had some needs. They bought her groceries, and took her "home," although the things they learned about her situation would hardly qualify that as a home ... and prayed for her.

Honey prayed with her eyes open, and emphasized her prayers with stomping on cockroaches.

I'm grateful Papa-God spared me that. I sincerely dislike bugs.

Speaking of bugs, we did have a chance to drive around the reservation itself, and that was a time of great hilarity! I know I'm mixing things up chronologically (we were supposed to journal as we went along, but there was NO TIME.) We were all piled in the van, and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

There were parts of the reservation that made me very sad, however. I won't share them here.

We set off on Sunday, after a very sweet time of fellowship with Randy, Rebecca, Gabe, Jessa, Cheryl, and Bradley.

Oh! I almost forgot, while we were praying in the graveyard (way back on the first full day!) I had a picture laid on my heart to draw for the church. I worked on it in the (very few) spare moments of the trip, and I woke up early Sunday to finish it.

Honey took pictures of it, so I'll share those when she has them done.

(That's her real name, btw. "Honey Grace." It so perfectly describes her!)

We set off for home, after a REALLY LONG (and hard) goodbye. I'm so glad Bradley is coming down in a few weeks for school! Meeting these people was totally a God thing. The family of God, when it is functioning properly, is like a family. You can be with your brothers and sisters, and feel as if you've known them forever, that's how it was with the people there. I miss them already. <3

We drove back, and stopped by Mount Rushmore, Wall Drug, the Badlands, and the Crazy Horse monument which is still being worked on.

I can't believe how sad the museum at Crazy Horse made me. Admittedly, I was tired, so that may have had something to do with it, but ... just the sadness of the history, really weighed in on me. Not just because it happened, but because that history is still twisting and warping the present.

But I was encouraged by something Bradley texted me. (He really just should have packed up and come with us in the van. XD) I told him I was sad at the museum, and he asked why. When I shared with him about how the wrongness of all that had happened made me sad, and how I didn't know how to fix it, and that made me sad, he texted me, "We will rise."

Somehow, that lifted me up. Because raising things from death and destruction is what God does. He takes hopelessness, and makes hope. He makes springs in the desert. He makes a forest out of the wilderness.

He's all about newness, and Bradley's words helped me remember that.

We finally arrived in Billings at stupid-o-clock in the morning, got a few hours of sleep, and hit the road again. We pushed hard all the way back, and I DID actually get some sleep this time. (I think I was too exhausted NOT to sleep!)

We did have frequent bathroom breaks, however. One of the running gags of the trip was the fact that the boys CONSTANTLY had to stop for bathroom breaks. (Once we even stopped by a bush). The girls, contrary to normative cultural expectations, were like, "We're fiiiiine."

It was funny.

It was so good to roll into Eugene at 3am. We were gone for nearly exactly 7 days. Shani and I got home around 4am, and just crashed. We rested all day yesterday.

Today we've stepped back into the real world, and it's interesting, because I'm still very tired, but it's all good.

I'm so glad I got to go, and I can't wait to see what God does next. <3

I Feel A Change In the Wind ...

Thirty has arrived!

I had an amazing birthday week, I must admit. There was a lot of stress leading up to it, and I had a lot of worry about how things were going to work out financially and time-wise, but it turned out very lovely - and I had a WHOLE WEEK!

The best thing - the absolute BEST thing! Was having my friends here. I had friends travel down from Portland, up from Medford, fly in from Ohio, and bus from Missouri! I am obviously well, WELL loved.

To me, my birthday time started Tuesday at lunch time, when my Caleb arrived from Gresham. He had not been able to get the days of my party off (heartbreak!) but he came down on his days off, and spent all the time with ME. <3 It has been over 18 months since I have gotten to tell Caleb, "See you tomorrow!" That was such a huge, huge, HUGE blessing.

As I said, Caleb arrived around 12. We went out to lunch (because there was no food in the house), and went to Winco for birthday groceries. There were a LOT of groceries to get! I was a bit stressed out too, because I wasn't sure about cost, how much money I would have, and just how many groceries DOES it take to feed 40 people? (The answer is: a lot.) After shopping, we came home and enjoyed the window air conditioner in my house for awhile. (There has been an UNCOMFORTABLE heat wave through here, and it was going strong on Tuesday!) Then I dropped him off at his dad's, and drove his car to work. It was SO NICE to have a car to drive to my second job. Knowing that I don't have to bike, and that I won't be a burden to anybody is SO relaxing! Work was easy that night, so that was nice too. ^_^

After work, I came home. Shani and Caleb were waiting for me, and we all went out to see Monsters University! Shani and I had seen it a few days previous, and REALLY enjoyed it. We knew Caleb would too, and he did.

It was hard to separate when we got home, but it was so wonderful to say, "I will see you tomorrow, Caleb."

The next day, Caleb came over after breakfast. When Shani woke up, we all trouped to Costco for the rest of the groceries. We had JUST enough cash to buy them! (Thank you, Jesus!) Then we went to Walmart for the plates, (again, just enough money), finally came home, loaded up ALL the things into our car, and drove to my parents. When we arrived, Kim and Alex were already there. We had been running a bit late, but since Kim has ALWAYS been late, I knew she wouldn't mind.

It filled me with warm fuzzies to see Kim and Alex there. I've known them longer than I've known 75% of my siblings! It was so GOOD to see them! We all worked on setting up the party, preparing food, cupcakes, decorating, hanging lights, and of course, JUMPING IN THE POOL TO COOL OFF! It was still REALLY hot, so the pool was very enjoyable.

Catherine and her boyfriend Kevin came over to do a small dancing lesson. Sadly, there were several injured people who couldn't participate, but the rest of us were good eggs and enjoyed trying a spin, even if some people felt they were really uncoordinated at it!

We parted ways late at night. (It's hard to leave good friends!) The next day, was my BIRTHDAY! Oh my goodness!!!!! Caleb came over, we loaded up the REST of the things for my birthday, and drove back over. Caleb, Shani and I began cooking lunch and decorating. (For example, filling a MASSIVE jar with m&m's. It's still half-full and sitting to my left. :3) Kim & Alex arrived around 12, with Brian arriving shortly after. We got lunch all set up, and ready to eat by the time my family got home from the parade.

It was very, VERY strange to be "the grown-ups," working in the kitchen, preparing food, setting the table, and doing all the things we used to watch our parents do for gatherings. When we were little, it seemed like a horrid chore, and getting roped in to "helping" was the WORST thing that could happen! But we really enjoyed it. It was fun! How strange.

We enjoyed lunch. I was really proud of the food at my birthday. It was not horridly-bad-for-you greasy food. We had angus burgers on wheat rounds with lots of veggies (avocado, tomato, spinach, onions, etc), baked french fries (because I LOVE french fries!), and a fruit platter of deliciousness. We also enjoyed Henry Weinhard's sodas. I knew from last year I wanted them at my 30th, so Mum & I worked hard to get them.

My Caleb had to leave, as he had work in Gresham at 4. I missed him terribly, but I am so grateful for the time I DID get to spend with him. It was SO GOOD to see his face three days in a row. AS IT SHOULD BE.

Then we did a bit more set-up for the open house. It was important to me that there be a display of the things I've done, books I've written, art I've done. As I set it up, it reminded me I have accomplished a LOT in my life. The stuff I've accomplished hasn't been lauded abroad, as it were, but I have done many things of worth and value, even if they're not famous.

I was so pleased by the people who dropped by. I got lots of cards from people who COULDN'T make it too. ^_^ (With money! WHOO HOO!) The 200+ mini cupcakes Shani made were a hit. The lemonade was good too. (I'm a big fan of lemonade. Heh.) It was nice to see how I mattered to people - mattered enough to travel and visit or send me cards. It was good.

Sammie, my student who popped in for the open house, got invited to stay for dinner, which made my sisters go mad with glee. She was also really excited because she got to meet "Minty." Lisa even brought mustaches for the girls and signed them. They were in HEAVEN.

Dinner was EXCITING. Of course, something had to go wrong, right? Well, the rice cooker at my family's is DEAD. But we didn't know this. When we tried to use it, it didn't cook the rice, and then it was late, and then we had to dump it in a pot, and then it was all gooey. Also, making kabobs for 40 people is a lengthy process, even with all the things cut up and marinaded already.

We had tofu kabobs, and chicken kabobs. I had vegan friends coming, vegetarian friends coming, and friends who would flat-out refuse to NOT eat meat, and would go buy a hamburger. *facepalm* Hence the double kinds of food. Heh.

When dinner FINALLY was ready, we ran into another problem ... I hadn't really processed or understood how exactly to SERVE 40 people ... Fortunately, my amazing brother Peter and wonderful Aunt J. stepped in and helped out! Aunt J. has lots of experience as a waitress, and Peter recently took a job at Olive Garden as a server, and he LOVES it. He stepped in, and organized it, and served. He even dressed up in his uniform, complete with apron! The serving went off beautifully, and I'm so grateful for what they did. It really made things beautiful, and helped me relax and not worry.

People came in masks, fancy dresses, and also tuxedo t-shirts. Heh! That's one of the things I love about the people who love me - they're all so wonderful and different. ^_^

There was ONE good thing about dinner being late (not that it mattered, since everybody was full of m&m's, mini cupcakes and lemonade), Gypsy and Rin were able to make it down in time for dinner! Yay!!! Ria, sadly, couldn't come, because she came down with a migraine. :( Sadness.

After dinner, I gave a little speech, thanking everybody. I know it's cliche, but it was really important to me to thank the people who had come, because I only invited people that loved me, and that had demonstrated that love to me through how they had impacted my life. I wanted to share with those who made it how much they meant to me.

It's so easy to not thank someone for something, and before you know it, it's too late. I don't want to go through life regretting missed opportunities for expressing gratitude!

We were all too pooped for dancing, but we enjoyed the cake Alainna made, and the cheesecake Isaiah brought!

The fairy glen Peter, Carolyn and I set up was lovely in the darkness, I must admit. We strung twinkle lights and LED candles in mason jars in the plum trees over the (dry) creek bed. It was so pretty in the darkness. Sadly, it was too windy for Rin to do a fire-eating/breathing demonstration (next time!) But we all enjoyed ourselves.

People left late that night, and I went home tired, and very happy. Aunt J. stayed the night at our house. In the morning, she and I went to Olive Garden to visit Peter, but sadly, his tables had JUST been filled. We went over to the mall and got Orange Julius and Wetzel's Pretzels instead. Then we swung by walmart to grab some hot dogs, and went back to my parents' house.

At my parents, we discovered my LAPTOP (which I am typing on now!) had arrived! HURRAH!!!!! What a perfect ending birthday present. ^_^ I had substituted for several months for our English teacher after he suffered a stroke, working overtime (and WAY maxing out my schedule. @_@). I agreed to do it, mentioning that I was saving up for a laptop. (My "computer" for the past 5 years was a mid-90's model, patched together as a "temporary measure" since my computer from college died. It expired a few months ago, and was replaced with another "temporary measure," which ALSO didn't work. For someone who needs to do a lot of work ON a computer, this was NOT good.) I was really excited.

But instead of opening it up, we all loaded up, and drove out to Lynx Hollow. Isaiah, Kim and Alex were there waiting for us. Zach came along with my parents, and Sam (poor Sam) was TRYING to find it, but was horribly lost. She eventually go there with instructions from my Dad. We spent the afternoon lazing about in the sun, in the water, on chairs, chatting and eating chips, roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, and, of course, eating more m&m's.

I got another birthday present there. Zach, Sam, and Alainna had all pitched together to get me a present. Zach couldn't come on the 4th, so they waited to give it to me until they were all together. It was a Doctor Who sonic screwdriver SET! It came with inter-changeable pieces to design your own screwdriver. Ewan was impressed and kept wanting to play with it. Heh.

I was really blessed with birthday presents this year. I don't have "favorites," but it was so sweet to see the different things people brought to express their love for me. It was a unique revelation to see how each person loves and thinks of me differently. I'm so blessed with all the love in my life. <3

Aunt J. had to leave to get back to Roseburg, and we loaded up around 6. Shani and I had agreed to take my parents and sisters out to see Monsters University as a surprise treat for them. Kim and Alex, of course, came too. Having my friends close for so many days ... I realized again how much I miss them in daily life. Having them there every day is so RIGHT and good.

I think I would be perfectly happy in a commune with all my friends with me every day. <3

After tidying up some more birthday party at my parents, we all piled in to the pick up to meet Shani (and Kim & Alex) at the movie theater. They really enjoyed it!

Monsters University is OBVIOUSLY a good movie, since Shani and I went to see it three times in 8 days or something ... Go watch it!

Saturday, I went to church practice, and then spent the afternoon relaxing. Late in the evening, Kim and Alex came over for a final hurrah before Kim flew back to Ohio. (Poor Jeff couldn't get off work to come. :-/ It is wonderful that I like my best friend's husband as well as I do!)

I feel well and truly launched into my third decade. I remember visualizing what "thirty" would be like, and it's so very different from what I anticipated. But it is good too. I have so many people who love me very, very much. I am a hard worker, and have many skills I have used, and will use. I'm excited about my life!

My sunday school teacher wrote me a lovely card in response to her invitation, and she said, "30, 40, and 50 were my best years."

I'm looking forward to the years ahead.