Port Wine Cheese & Crackers

From this, you may surmise my day is not going as planned.

I hope the port wine cheese is not actually alcoholic, as I have to speak in chapel. Because the day is not going as planned.

The PLAN was to watch the leadership movies from New Hope. However, since we have stupidly antiquated technology, we can't play a youtube video directly to the projector.

I have spent the morning downloading and attempting to convert the video to a form that the antiquated technology can cope with, but I have not had any success. It refuses to convert.

This is especially frustrating after I drove home to get re-writeable DVD's, since despite affirmations that there were DVD's here, there WEREN'T.

Which is why I popped by Fred Meyer's and got cheese and crackers.

Cheese with port wine.

(It's quite good in cheese form).

I should probably point out that I didn't set out to get port wine cheese, but I didn't want garden vegetable, and we have sharp cheddar cheese at home, so that would be redundant, and I didn't feel like pepper jack.

Which left me with the port wine.

I'm tempted to claim, like Huckleberry Finn, an "act of Providence," which would make it REALLY FUNNY if I ended up slightly tipsy for chapel.

I can never say "port" without thinking of the fairy tale, "Any Port In a Storm," by George MacDonald. It's less fairy-ish, and more just realistic, but I really like it. It's a sweet little romance with a touch of drama and the Unknown.

I suppose I *should* be scrabbling about, trying to prepare something substitute for chapel, but I have decided NOT too. We will just have a nice little chat WITHOUT something prepared.

Because I TRIED to prepare something, and it didn't work. I'm more important than chapel being perfect, and I've already spent a lot of energy on it. I can extemporize just fine without a handout, and the kids can just darn well pay attention, and learn that life does not always work out shinily.

I think it's funny how I get MORE protective of myself and my energies when I start caring for myself, as opposed to still "giving" or committing to everything. I'm not sure if it's because I'm suddenly being "selfish," (which I have a feeling my parents would call it) or if it's because I suddenly see that I AM important since I'm acting on it, and I realize how freakishly tired and overcommitted I AM.

I think it's more the latter.

Sorry I haven't blogged the last several days, I've really missed it. I just haven't had the actual time to sit down and DO it. Like I said, TOO MANY THINGS I COMMITTED TO DOOOOO! Foolish, foolish Melissa.

I'm really, *really* glad I'm not involved in planning Grandma's funeral. Apparently, things are very intense.

If I could change one thing about my mom's side of the family, it would be their belief that everything matters a lot.

I'm not sure I'm describing this well.

Everything is a really, really big deal. The stakes are always astronomically high. And while people are trying to be nice about things, since everything is a matter of life and death, there's always this extreme EDGE underneath everything because EVERYTHING REALLY, REALLY MATTERS.

I just had a thought. I wonder if the reason everything really, REALLY matters, is because my mom's sisters, etc. don't feel like they matter in the big scheme of things. When you don't matter, then what's important to you BECOMES a matter of life and death, because if you don't watch out for it, it won't happen,  and if it doesn't happen, that's a confirmation that you don't, in fact, matter.

See, when I think about what I would want for a memorial service, (and I've been to some good ones, thanks to my church) I think I want to be surrounded by loved ones, I want to have comfortable space to share funny stories, and sweet stories with all the loved ones, and I want to have food. (I'm Baptist.) That's what matters to me, and I don't really care if a specific song gets played or sung or whatever, and I don't care what the order of things is, and I don't care what the flowers look like, and I don't care about where things are what the decorations look like.

I mean, it would be nice if Grandma's favourite songs could be sung, etc. but it's not important. I'm not invested in making sure that what I want happens, because I am (ever so slowly) learning that I DO matter. Therefore, it's less important to me that my agenda happens, so I can relax and be like, "cool." without feeling I have to make sure x-y-z happens. Because I matter regardless of whether x-y-z happens. My needs will be met, I don't have to make them happen.

I'm pretty nervous about the funeral, honestly. Not because of Grandma. Frankly, I'm glad she's off the earth now! She was so miserable, and in so much pain, and everybody was in so much pain with her ... Now she's with Jesus, partying. I mean, how could I be sad for that?

And I've already done my grieving. In August, Shannon and I went down with a tea service and had a little tea party with Grandma. I knew then that would be the last time I would see her alive. I cried on the car ride back, and talked a lot with Shani on the way back. I've grieved. I'm still sad. I teared up a little writing that. The other night I had a dream about Grandma's house (which is just as representative to me as Grandma herself, even though she hasn't lived there for the past couple years). But I'm not overwhelmed with grief.

I am nervous about the people who will be there. Like I said, my mom's side of the family is really, really intense. At a funeral, emotions are already elevated. So ... This is a mix that sounds like nitroglycerin to me!

I happen to be an emotional sponge. (Like La Esponja Grande from Monkey Island 5! Except instead of sucking up voodoo, I suck up EMOTIONS!) So all the intensitiy, all the frustration, ALL THE THINGS, end up swirling around in me, and making me sick and feeling on edge and yeah.

Shannon is coming with me. Because she is the BESTEST EVER. When I asked if she would come to Grandma's funeral, she was already planning to, because that's how she is. ^_^ I feel so relieved knowing that she'll be there. It means there will be someone there to take care of me as I'm taking care of all the other people. I won't be alone.

Oh - and I matter.