You Are Not A Winner. Please Try Again.

As Shani so eloquently put it when I was at a loss of words for how to describe this week ... Not a winner. Indeed.

It's not that anything particularly catastrophic has happened, but it's been like floating in a dinghy with a very persistent leak. You're not going under, but your feet are wet and you better not stop bailing.

Tuesday I felt like my bucket was replaced with one of those small, paper Dixie cups.

As stated, there's not anything particularly going WRONG, unless you count my Grandma dying. Which, although it sounds callous, I really don't. Shani and I went to visit her in August, and I knew then that The Time Had Come, My Friends, to Go to Better Things.

It is really hard on me for the sake of my Mom. She's taking it hard. Dad too, and I know Mum's sisters are having a hard time with it. I mean, their MOMMY is dying. Timely, yes, being removed from pain, yes. But it's the end of a long, hard struggle downhill for several years, and not a pleasant end. So I am sad for them, and Mom's stress is stressing me. : - /

Not to mention Caleb, whom I love dearly. We had a talk last night, and so now I feel fine and good, but gosh. Throw a wrench in my relationship with either of my two best friends, and I feel like Atlas. Shani and I rarely have significant problems, but Caleb and me ... Well, we're like two gears with bits broken off (as all people are), and are bits are broken off in the wrong places. Things tend to grind. In addition to the communication difficulties added by simply being male and female, our styles are RADICALLY opposite, and the inherited communication habits/fears/etc. from our families make it worse.

I am no longer afraid to get married, because it couldn't be worse than trying to talk to Caleb.

And we're still friends.

Good friends.

If WE can manage to still love each other in the middle of our constant communication kerfuffles, THERE IS NO BIGGER DRAGON.

I do really appreciate that he loves me. Even when I feel pathetic and stupid and backwards and wrong.

Yeaaaaaaaah, he's pretty awesome, ladies. But I'll warn you, the application process is very stringent. You'll have to be just as awesome as he is.

Anyway, life things. My sister in law texted me, "What's going on with you?" When I responded, "Stuff," she worried that I was being vague.

I was summarizing.

In addition to my three jobs, I'm taking on subbing for Mr. Fox (OHMIGOSH, SO NERVOUS), as well as hosting a party on Saturday for which I have not much time to prepare, worry about my mom and Caleb, a wedding next week (!!!), exhaustion, a random rash that HURTS AND ITCHES (it's finally fading), I feel completely drained (not sure why), and just ... YEAH.

Things aren't great at Logos either. There are a few students who are making life miserable for us, Mr. Fox being down and out is a strain on our already-stretched staff, chapel worship is breaking my heart, and I am just not UP to biking ANYWHERE lately, and having people pick me up all the time makes me feel *sooooo* guilty, not to mention making me another strain on those precariously skinny resources.

I guess it's time to get out of the dinghy and walk on water.

:3

I bet you were wondering how I would work that back in, weren't you?

I love Jesus. I really, really do. I think He's the bees knees, the cat's meow and any other animal part you want to offer. But it's awfully hard to walk by faith sometimes. There have been things that have encouraged me this week though.

Carolyn quoted Mr. T, "Without testing, you have no testimony."

God is covering our finances, despite my careful recording that THEY WILL NOT WORK OUT EVER. (Why I gave up budgeting. Sorry, Dave Ramsey.)

I am reading a book called "Decision Making and the Will fo God" by Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson (<- there it is, Amy and Bry!). It has been such an encouragement to me.

I am learning (slowly, ever so slowly) that it's not about how I'm feeling at the time that determines Jesus' presence (Thank God!), but accepting that despite my temporary feelings, Jesus is always there.

I'm learning to go to Him with how frustrated I am that He's not doing stuff the way I want Him to. That He's not magically changing peoples minds as they need it.

I use the term "magically" deliberately. There was a moment, several months ago, where I was so frustrated about a situation, and just praying and praying about it. I told God, "I just don't know what to pray to make this happen!" I immediately received the impression of, "I don't work like that."

The moment God would stoop to letting Himself be controlled by a certain prayer, or series of emotions, or level of sincerity, the moment He would deliberately choose to overrule our free will to choose Him or deny Him, is when He becomes like the Devil.

Satin is the one who manipulates. God is the one who gives us freedom.

With freedom, of course, comes the freedom to choose consequences.

Incantations, prayers, forumlas, there is no way to "move God."

He's not a tame lion.

But He's good. So very, very good.

I found this the other day on the internet, the original poem of "Come Ye Sinners"

Come ye sinners, poor and wretched,
weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity joined with power;
He is able,
He is willing, doubt no more.

Come, ye needy, come and welcome;
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh;
Without money,
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come, ye weary, heavy-laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall,
If you tarry till you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous,
Sinners Jesus came to call.

View Him groveling in the garden,
Lo your Maker prostrate lies,
On the bloody tree behold Him,
Hear Him cry before He dies,
"It is finished!"
Sinners will this not suffice?

Lo, the incarnate God ascended
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him - venture wholly;
Let no other trust intrude;
None but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good.

(found here)

I know something I don't understand. I know that Jesus is the answer. To every question, every problem, every need I will ever experience. If I die of starvation, I will still know that He is my provider. I don't understand this. But I know it.

Get out of the dinghy, and walk.