SLEEP!
Who knew?
I'm serious.
So, last Friday, I taught a sermon on resting, and how important it is, and WHY WE NEED TO DO IT.
I also realized that I had NOT been managing what I referred to in my sermon as "energy pennies" well. (I used actual pennies as a visual metaphor. It worked well!)
I was still recovering from my illness (phlegm), and looking ahead to this week, I anticipated a hard week, capped by a difficult weekend. (The funeral). I decided to practice what I preach, and manage my energy pennies better.
I've been going to sleep a lot earlier (not hard to do when you've been averaging midnight!), and taking naps every day. They range from 20 minutes (Monday between jobs) to an hour (Tuesday and Wednesday).
It means I don't have as much time at my disposal as I'm used to. But there's something weird happening.
I'm ... I'm getting less tired. Today is the first day I've noticed I'm actually LESS tired (and I started my new sleeping routine Sunday night with a shocking 7:30 bedtime!), and it's weird.
The first difference I noticed was Tuesday morning, and the difference was: I was really, really tired. It's like before, I knew I was tired, but Tuesday I suddenly had the capacity to comprehend I had been running on exhausted for a long, long, LONG time.
I was angry at myself, and angry that I was so tired, and angry that I hadn't even realized what I had been doing.
After I woke up from my nap, I biked to work. And I realized something ... Biking was a LOT easier. I didn't hate it *quite* as much. I certainly didn't dread it. And there were moments, biking along very, VERY slowly, that I actually enjoyed.
I realized this was simply because I was more rested. I had energy pennies to spend on biking to work, and enough pennies to spare that biking didn't leave me with a big deficit.
This morning, I woke up ON MY OWN a bit before 7. I went to the bank, and went to Winco. I had the idea of getting ingredients for calzones at Winco that I could make and freeze since Shani and I are going to be quite busy over the next bit. I came home, put away the groceries, emptied the dishdrainer, and went bck to my room to read my Bible before I realized I had even done all that.
I have been SO tired lately, that even the thought of doing something was draining and exhausted me. For the first time in WEEKS, since at least Christmas break, I had done some work on my own, without forcing myself to.
I hadn't even realized I had been forcing myself to work.
I had enough strength to wash the dishes (there weren't many), make six calzones with different ingredients, freeze them, and clean up after myself. It wasn't a burden. It wasn't a chore. It was work, but I did it.
It made me a little tired, so I sat down and rested.
I had been resting every Wednesday, partly because I knew I needed rest, but also because I was too tired to do anything else. I was wondering why my resting on Wednesday strategy wasn't working.
I was just too tired.
I come from a family of "I can'ts." Now, talking to them, you wouldn't think so, because all they say is, "Sure. I'll do that. I can do that. I'll make it work. Whatever it takes." But I've been realizing that behind all those "I can" are lots of great, big, HUGE "I can't" statements.
"I can't take a break."
"I can't rest."
"I can't sleep that much."
"I can't, I'm too [busy, stressed, too much work, etc. etc. etc.]"
I'm not sure what led to these huge "I can't" statements, but they're very present. It wasn't until I moved in with Shani that I realized that "I can" was even an option. Now I've learned to look for them, and to practice what works best.
It took Shani several years of staring me down, and kicking me in the shins for me to realize I actually worked better after getting a little rest. (Hence my resting on Wednesdays). It also trained me to check the results of reality against the results I thought I was getting, and to be willing to experiment a little with myself.
Guys, this sleeping thing is AWESOME. I'm realizing that I am way, way, WAY behind in sleep. I think it will take two weeks of consistent sleeping INCLUDING the extra naps to get me to a balance of healthy. (I want to say "normal," but normal is sleep-deprived running on drugs like sugar, caffeine and adrenaline.) I'm already noticing benefits in my thinking; my thoughts are clearer, more in control, and way more emotionally balanced (thank God!). The energy benefits of being able to ride my bike, and do a simple chore like cooking (it took a couple hours, so "simple" might be stretching it) are shocking. The fact that I'm not having to spend energy to force myself to do stuff is INCREDIBLE.
Please, I beg of you, try this out. It took three days of lots of night sleep PLUS naps for me to notice a difference. I'm expecting it will take a week for me to really hit my stride, and two weeks to be healthy.
Try sleeping eight hours a night for a week. Just TRY it. Yes, you have to give up things (I'm giving up movies, video games and Shani time for these bedtimes!), you have to set aside the fantasy of productivity to sleep. (I'm realizing how much of a fantasy it was. I wasn't doing anything, I was just thinking about all the things I SHOULD be doing and how TIRED I was!)
Please, please, PLEASE try it for a week. See how you feel.
I think that will make a better argument than anything I could say.
Replace all those "I can'ts" with "I can."
Trust me. You're worth way more than a few hours. <3
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Port Wine Cheese & Crackers
From this, you may surmise my day is not going as planned.
I hope the port wine cheese is not actually alcoholic, as I have to speak in chapel. Because the day is not going as planned.
The PLAN was to watch the leadership movies from New Hope. However, since we have stupidly antiquated technology, we can't play a youtube video directly to the projector.
I have spent the morning downloading and attempting to convert the video to a form that the antiquated technology can cope with, but I have not had any success. It refuses to convert.
This is especially frustrating after I drove home to get re-writeable DVD's, since despite affirmations that there were DVD's here, there WEREN'T.
Which is why I popped by Fred Meyer's and got cheese and crackers.
Cheese with port wine.
(It's quite good in cheese form).
I should probably point out that I didn't set out to get port wine cheese, but I didn't want garden vegetable, and we have sharp cheddar cheese at home, so that would be redundant, and I didn't feel like pepper jack.
Which left me with the port wine.
I'm tempted to claim, like Huckleberry Finn, an "act of Providence," which would make it REALLY FUNNY if I ended up slightly tipsy for chapel.
I can never say "port" without thinking of the fairy tale, "Any Port In a Storm," by George MacDonald. It's less fairy-ish, and more just realistic, but I really like it. It's a sweet little romance with a touch of drama and the Unknown.
I suppose I *should* be scrabbling about, trying to prepare something substitute for chapel, but I have decided NOT too. We will just have a nice little chat WITHOUT something prepared.
Because I TRIED to prepare something, and it didn't work. I'm more important than chapel being perfect, and I've already spent a lot of energy on it. I can extemporize just fine without a handout, and the kids can just darn well pay attention, and learn that life does not always work out shinily.
I think it's funny how I get MORE protective of myself and my energies when I start caring for myself, as opposed to still "giving" or committing to everything. I'm not sure if it's because I'm suddenly being "selfish," (which I have a feeling my parents would call it) or if it's because I suddenly see that I AM important since I'm acting on it, and I realize how freakishly tired and overcommitted I AM.
I think it's more the latter.
Sorry I haven't blogged the last several days, I've really missed it. I just haven't had the actual time to sit down and DO it. Like I said, TOO MANY THINGS I COMMITTED TO DOOOOO! Foolish, foolish Melissa.
I'm really, *really* glad I'm not involved in planning Grandma's funeral. Apparently, things are very intense.
If I could change one thing about my mom's side of the family, it would be their belief that everything matters a lot.
I'm not sure I'm describing this well.
Everything is a really, really big deal. The stakes are always astronomically high. And while people are trying to be nice about things, since everything is a matter of life and death, there's always this extreme EDGE underneath everything because EVERYTHING REALLY, REALLY MATTERS.
I just had a thought. I wonder if the reason everything really, REALLY matters, is because my mom's sisters, etc. don't feel like they matter in the big scheme of things. When you don't matter, then what's important to you BECOMES a matter of life and death, because if you don't watch out for it, it won't happen, and if it doesn't happen, that's a confirmation that you don't, in fact, matter.
See, when I think about what I would want for a memorial service, (and I've been to some good ones, thanks to my church) I think I want to be surrounded by loved ones, I want to have comfortable space to share funny stories, and sweet stories with all the loved ones, and I want to have food. (I'm Baptist.) That's what matters to me, and I don't really care if a specific song gets played or sung or whatever, and I don't care what the order of things is, and I don't care what the flowers look like, and I don't care about where things are what the decorations look like.
I mean, it would be nice if Grandma's favourite songs could be sung, etc. but it's not important. I'm not invested in making sure that what I want happens, because I am (ever so slowly) learning that I DO matter. Therefore, it's less important to me that my agenda happens, so I can relax and be like, "cool." without feeling I have to make sure x-y-z happens. Because I matter regardless of whether x-y-z happens. My needs will be met, I don't have to make them happen.
I'm pretty nervous about the funeral, honestly. Not because of Grandma. Frankly, I'm glad she's off the earth now! She was so miserable, and in so much pain, and everybody was in so much pain with her ... Now she's with Jesus, partying. I mean, how could I be sad for that?
And I've already done my grieving. In August, Shannon and I went down with a tea service and had a little tea party with Grandma. I knew then that would be the last time I would see her alive. I cried on the car ride back, and talked a lot with Shani on the way back. I've grieved. I'm still sad. I teared up a little writing that. The other night I had a dream about Grandma's house (which is just as representative to me as Grandma herself, even though she hasn't lived there for the past couple years). But I'm not overwhelmed with grief.
I am nervous about the people who will be there. Like I said, my mom's side of the family is really, really intense. At a funeral, emotions are already elevated. So ... This is a mix that sounds like nitroglycerin to me!
I happen to be an emotional sponge. (Like La Esponja Grande from Monkey Island 5! Except instead of sucking up voodoo, I suck up EMOTIONS!) So all the intensitiy, all the frustration, ALL THE THINGS, end up swirling around in me, and making me sick and feeling on edge and yeah.
Shannon is coming with me. Because she is the BESTEST EVER. When I asked if she would come to Grandma's funeral, she was already planning to, because that's how she is. ^_^ I feel so relieved knowing that she'll be there. It means there will be someone there to take care of me as I'm taking care of all the other people. I won't be alone.
Oh - and I matter.
I hope the port wine cheese is not actually alcoholic, as I have to speak in chapel. Because the day is not going as planned.
The PLAN was to watch the leadership movies from New Hope. However, since we have stupidly antiquated technology, we can't play a youtube video directly to the projector.
I have spent the morning downloading and attempting to convert the video to a form that the antiquated technology can cope with, but I have not had any success. It refuses to convert.
This is especially frustrating after I drove home to get re-writeable DVD's, since despite affirmations that there were DVD's here, there WEREN'T.
Which is why I popped by Fred Meyer's and got cheese and crackers.
Cheese with port wine.
(It's quite good in cheese form).
I should probably point out that I didn't set out to get port wine cheese, but I didn't want garden vegetable, and we have sharp cheddar cheese at home, so that would be redundant, and I didn't feel like pepper jack.
Which left me with the port wine.
I'm tempted to claim, like Huckleberry Finn, an "act of Providence," which would make it REALLY FUNNY if I ended up slightly tipsy for chapel.
I can never say "port" without thinking of the fairy tale, "Any Port In a Storm," by George MacDonald. It's less fairy-ish, and more just realistic, but I really like it. It's a sweet little romance with a touch of drama and the Unknown.
I suppose I *should* be scrabbling about, trying to prepare something substitute for chapel, but I have decided NOT too. We will just have a nice little chat WITHOUT something prepared.
Because I TRIED to prepare something, and it didn't work. I'm more important than chapel being perfect, and I've already spent a lot of energy on it. I can extemporize just fine without a handout, and the kids can just darn well pay attention, and learn that life does not always work out shinily.
I think it's funny how I get MORE protective of myself and my energies when I start caring for myself, as opposed to still "giving" or committing to everything. I'm not sure if it's because I'm suddenly being "selfish," (which I have a feeling my parents would call it) or if it's because I suddenly see that I AM important since I'm acting on it, and I realize how freakishly tired and overcommitted I AM.
I think it's more the latter.
Sorry I haven't blogged the last several days, I've really missed it. I just haven't had the actual time to sit down and DO it. Like I said, TOO MANY THINGS I COMMITTED TO DOOOOO! Foolish, foolish Melissa.
I'm really, *really* glad I'm not involved in planning Grandma's funeral. Apparently, things are very intense.
If I could change one thing about my mom's side of the family, it would be their belief that everything matters a lot.
I'm not sure I'm describing this well.
Everything is a really, really big deal. The stakes are always astronomically high. And while people are trying to be nice about things, since everything is a matter of life and death, there's always this extreme EDGE underneath everything because EVERYTHING REALLY, REALLY MATTERS.
I just had a thought. I wonder if the reason everything really, REALLY matters, is because my mom's sisters, etc. don't feel like they matter in the big scheme of things. When you don't matter, then what's important to you BECOMES a matter of life and death, because if you don't watch out for it, it won't happen, and if it doesn't happen, that's a confirmation that you don't, in fact, matter.
See, when I think about what I would want for a memorial service, (and I've been to some good ones, thanks to my church) I think I want to be surrounded by loved ones, I want to have comfortable space to share funny stories, and sweet stories with all the loved ones, and I want to have food. (I'm Baptist.) That's what matters to me, and I don't really care if a specific song gets played or sung or whatever, and I don't care what the order of things is, and I don't care what the flowers look like, and I don't care about where things are what the decorations look like.
I mean, it would be nice if Grandma's favourite songs could be sung, etc. but it's not important. I'm not invested in making sure that what I want happens, because I am (ever so slowly) learning that I DO matter. Therefore, it's less important to me that my agenda happens, so I can relax and be like, "cool." without feeling I have to make sure x-y-z happens. Because I matter regardless of whether x-y-z happens. My needs will be met, I don't have to make them happen.
I'm pretty nervous about the funeral, honestly. Not because of Grandma. Frankly, I'm glad she's off the earth now! She was so miserable, and in so much pain, and everybody was in so much pain with her ... Now she's with Jesus, partying. I mean, how could I be sad for that?
And I've already done my grieving. In August, Shannon and I went down with a tea service and had a little tea party with Grandma. I knew then that would be the last time I would see her alive. I cried on the car ride back, and talked a lot with Shani on the way back. I've grieved. I'm still sad. I teared up a little writing that. The other night I had a dream about Grandma's house (which is just as representative to me as Grandma herself, even though she hasn't lived there for the past couple years). But I'm not overwhelmed with grief.
I am nervous about the people who will be there. Like I said, my mom's side of the family is really, really intense. At a funeral, emotions are already elevated. So ... This is a mix that sounds like nitroglycerin to me!
I happen to be an emotional sponge. (Like La Esponja Grande from Monkey Island 5! Except instead of sucking up voodoo, I suck up EMOTIONS!) So all the intensitiy, all the frustration, ALL THE THINGS, end up swirling around in me, and making me sick and feeling on edge and yeah.
Shannon is coming with me. Because she is the BESTEST EVER. When I asked if she would come to Grandma's funeral, she was already planning to, because that's how she is. ^_^ I feel so relieved knowing that she'll be there. It means there will be someone there to take care of me as I'm taking care of all the other people. I won't be alone.
Oh - and I matter.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Uh Oh ...
Swimming starts tomorrow, and I just realized I don't have any goggles. Oh dear.
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL TO DAD!
HIS PHONE IS OFF!
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL TO MOM!
... HER PHONE IS ALSO OFF!
This is sadly typical. I really do wish that as their daughter, I had a way to get hold of them ... But I'm just like the rest of you commoners!
Sometimes it's quite frustrating.
Anyway, TODAY! ... Well, I have been quite adept at simply NOT thinking about what is bothering me. It's a very good temporary solution for functionality although I'm not sure how long I can keep it up without dire consequences of emotional constipation ...
I worked on cleaning the kitchen today! I finished off the dishes (Shani had done most of them the night before, washing after I was already asleep), and took all the things off the counter (except the microwave) and washed them and the counters. I scrubbed the entire (reachable) outside of the stove, and wiped down the microwave, de-crumbed the toaster, and tried to scrub the toaster oven. Scrubbing the toaster oven proved fruitless, however, as many of the stains remained. I'm not sure why. Scrubbing the tea pot was much more profitable, and it is currently gleaming on the rose-wrought trivet from Micah and Jo.
I also organized and cleaned one cupboard - the goodie cupboard. It also houses my teas, which I need to drink more of. I like tea, and it's a good way to maintain proper hydration without chugging plain water - which does get old after awhile.
There is still an AWFUL lot that needs done, even for it to be surface-cleaned. The fridge and the floor for instance, and don't even MENTION what needs done behind the cupboards and in the fridge (which has a distinctly peculiar odor).
I worked for close to three hours, and that was the end of my strength. I was tired. So I made food, and settled down to rest before work. I was thinking I would have to bike, but as I rested, I realized I WAS POOPED. I simply couldn't face bicycling. Fortunately, my sweet sister in law was willing to take me to and from. I am blessed with good family. ^_^
I have been watching for Caramel's urinary movements with great trepidation. I'm quite nervous for her. =_= I really don't want her to die. The scary thing is, there was no indication that she was THAT ill ... So ... It's hard to tell. She has recovered quite well from surgery, even though it's only two days later. She is moving around fairly normally, although firmly refusing Scotch's rough play invitations, and avoiding large jumps and physical exertions. Wise of her.
Unfortunately, she is also well enough to be quite insistent on NOT taking her medicine. This morning she was growling as we forced it down her throat. Ironically, Scotch watches each procedure with avid attention, licking his lips, and insists on licking up any medicine that spills. If only they were reversed!
Caramel's shaved belly is quite funny looking. It's ESPECIALLY funny-looking because she is overweight, and without the illusion of poofy fur ... Well, you can tell she is quite chunky! They shaved quite a large patch off her belly, and she has rolls of fat that smoosh over her legs when she sits down. It's rather alarming how they squish together, not unlike cleavage ... o_O
She's still a sweetie though. It's nice to have her back to normal, instead of the never-ending flirty chirps and begging for attention. She's still vocal, but not CONSTANTLY. And just this morning, she rolled over to have her belly rubbed. I like that both our cats enjoy having their bellies rubbed. Kitty belly fur is always SO tempting, but so DANGEROUS too! Both our cats enjoy a belly rub, unless Scotch is in play mode. Then he can't help grabbing for your hand, fingers and arms.
It's not that he's mean, he just isn't very bright.
Back to swimming.
I had great plans of trying on my suit tonight and seeing if it still fit ... Erf. I also am missing a swim cap and goggles. Arg. *sigh* I do feel rather dirty, as I put off a shower today in order to keep my hair oily to protect it from the chlorine.
I'm not looking forward to marinating in a chemical brew over the next few weeks, although I love swimming.
I was a bit worried about how to get home tomorrow, as I don't have work (Yay! and Boo! - I need the money), and then I realized THE POOL IS ON THE SAME BLOCK AS OUR HOUSE.
It is, admittedly, a LARGE block, since it encompasses a regular street with houses & apartments, the track, football field, tennis courts, and half the buildings of Springfield High School, as well as a large park, a skateboard park, basketball courts, and the Willamalane pool building with adjacent children's park. But a block, nevertheless. I shall simply toddle home, wet and damp, and jump in the shower to steam away the chlorine and smell.
Then I get to go to fellowship group with Shani. I'm so excited! I miss it, but I usually work Thursdays. :-/
Speaking of work, I arrived to find a note from my employer about something REALLY DANGEROUS I had forgotten yesterday! >_< I was really freaked out about it, although sadly, not surprised I forgot it (I really do have an awful memory). I'm not fired, and she's chill about it, but AUUUUUUUUGH! =_=
I'm glad my boss likes me, and that I'm normally really, really good at my job.
I sitting down at work, fretting about why I had had such an awful two weeks, and thinking I was so silly to feel so wrought up about it, and then I started cataloging the things that had happened. I'm not surprised I feel so unsettled and upset. There were plenty of physical things happening to cause that, in addition to the person emotional turmoil alluded to in my previous post.
How do I make it all stop?
There's a women's retreat at church this weekend, and I'm SO glad to be going. *sigh* I love my church. I love my church. I have never seen a church like it, and I've been there for three or so years now, so there aren't any delusions of perfection. The people in my church are awesome.
"But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His son cleanses us from all sin." (1 John 1:7, I believe.)
They walk in the light, and I always feel so privileged to be in their presence. I learn SO MUCH just from hanging around them, and I'm encouraged by their witness.
I'm looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Even though it's going to be a busy weekend. @_@ After the retreat, (it's at the church, and is "sleep in your own bed,") there's a CPR/defibrilator class which I'll be taking, AND I'm in charge of worship this Sunday as Micah and Kristi are in Portland. At some point tomorrow I need to figure out what we'll be doing. I should probably text Bill about the sermon message. (Yeah, my pastor has texting. He's hip.)
Well, I shall toddle off, and do something restful. Perhaps watch the sermon I missed on Sunday since I was sick!
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL TO DAD!
HIS PHONE IS OFF!
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL TO MOM!
... HER PHONE IS ALSO OFF!
This is sadly typical. I really do wish that as their daughter, I had a way to get hold of them ... But I'm just like the rest of you commoners!
Sometimes it's quite frustrating.
Anyway, TODAY! ... Well, I have been quite adept at simply NOT thinking about what is bothering me. It's a very good temporary solution for functionality although I'm not sure how long I can keep it up without dire consequences of emotional constipation ...
I worked on cleaning the kitchen today! I finished off the dishes (Shani had done most of them the night before, washing after I was already asleep), and took all the things off the counter (except the microwave) and washed them and the counters. I scrubbed the entire (reachable) outside of the stove, and wiped down the microwave, de-crumbed the toaster, and tried to scrub the toaster oven. Scrubbing the toaster oven proved fruitless, however, as many of the stains remained. I'm not sure why. Scrubbing the tea pot was much more profitable, and it is currently gleaming on the rose-wrought trivet from Micah and Jo.
I also organized and cleaned one cupboard - the goodie cupboard. It also houses my teas, which I need to drink more of. I like tea, and it's a good way to maintain proper hydration without chugging plain water - which does get old after awhile.
There is still an AWFUL lot that needs done, even for it to be surface-cleaned. The fridge and the floor for instance, and don't even MENTION what needs done behind the cupboards and in the fridge (which has a distinctly peculiar odor).
I worked for close to three hours, and that was the end of my strength. I was tired. So I made food, and settled down to rest before work. I was thinking I would have to bike, but as I rested, I realized I WAS POOPED. I simply couldn't face bicycling. Fortunately, my sweet sister in law was willing to take me to and from. I am blessed with good family. ^_^
I have been watching for Caramel's urinary movements with great trepidation. I'm quite nervous for her. =_= I really don't want her to die. The scary thing is, there was no indication that she was THAT ill ... So ... It's hard to tell. She has recovered quite well from surgery, even though it's only two days later. She is moving around fairly normally, although firmly refusing Scotch's rough play invitations, and avoiding large jumps and physical exertions. Wise of her.
Unfortunately, she is also well enough to be quite insistent on NOT taking her medicine. This morning she was growling as we forced it down her throat. Ironically, Scotch watches each procedure with avid attention, licking his lips, and insists on licking up any medicine that spills. If only they were reversed!
Caramel's shaved belly is quite funny looking. It's ESPECIALLY funny-looking because she is overweight, and without the illusion of poofy fur ... Well, you can tell she is quite chunky! They shaved quite a large patch off her belly, and she has rolls of fat that smoosh over her legs when she sits down. It's rather alarming how they squish together, not unlike cleavage ... o_O
She's still a sweetie though. It's nice to have her back to normal, instead of the never-ending flirty chirps and begging for attention. She's still vocal, but not CONSTANTLY. And just this morning, she rolled over to have her belly rubbed. I like that both our cats enjoy having their bellies rubbed. Kitty belly fur is always SO tempting, but so DANGEROUS too! Both our cats enjoy a belly rub, unless Scotch is in play mode. Then he can't help grabbing for your hand, fingers and arms.
It's not that he's mean, he just isn't very bright.
Back to swimming.
I had great plans of trying on my suit tonight and seeing if it still fit ... Erf. I also am missing a swim cap and goggles. Arg. *sigh* I do feel rather dirty, as I put off a shower today in order to keep my hair oily to protect it from the chlorine.
I'm not looking forward to marinating in a chemical brew over the next few weeks, although I love swimming.
I was a bit worried about how to get home tomorrow, as I don't have work (Yay! and Boo! - I need the money), and then I realized THE POOL IS ON THE SAME BLOCK AS OUR HOUSE.
It is, admittedly, a LARGE block, since it encompasses a regular street with houses & apartments, the track, football field, tennis courts, and half the buildings of Springfield High School, as well as a large park, a skateboard park, basketball courts, and the Willamalane pool building with adjacent children's park. But a block, nevertheless. I shall simply toddle home, wet and damp, and jump in the shower to steam away the chlorine and smell.
Then I get to go to fellowship group with Shani. I'm so excited! I miss it, but I usually work Thursdays. :-/
Speaking of work, I arrived to find a note from my employer about something REALLY DANGEROUS I had forgotten yesterday! >_< I was really freaked out about it, although sadly, not surprised I forgot it (I really do have an awful memory). I'm not fired, and she's chill about it, but AUUUUUUUUGH! =_=
I'm glad my boss likes me, and that I'm normally really, really good at my job.
I sitting down at work, fretting about why I had had such an awful two weeks, and thinking I was so silly to feel so wrought up about it, and then I started cataloging the things that had happened. I'm not surprised I feel so unsettled and upset. There were plenty of physical things happening to cause that, in addition to the person emotional turmoil alluded to in my previous post.
How do I make it all stop?
There's a women's retreat at church this weekend, and I'm SO glad to be going. *sigh* I love my church. I love my church. I have never seen a church like it, and I've been there for three or so years now, so there aren't any delusions of perfection. The people in my church are awesome.
"But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His son cleanses us from all sin." (1 John 1:7, I believe.)
They walk in the light, and I always feel so privileged to be in their presence. I learn SO MUCH just from hanging around them, and I'm encouraged by their witness.
I'm looking forward to Friday and Saturday.
Even though it's going to be a busy weekend. @_@ After the retreat, (it's at the church, and is "sleep in your own bed,") there's a CPR/defibrilator class which I'll be taking, AND I'm in charge of worship this Sunday as Micah and Kristi are in Portland. At some point tomorrow I need to figure out what we'll be doing. I should probably text Bill about the sermon message. (Yeah, my pastor has texting. He's hip.)
Well, I shall toddle off, and do something restful. Perhaps watch the sermon I missed on Sunday since I was sick!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Well, Today Was Tough
I wanted to write something cheery, or write about some of the things I've researched regarding fitness/health/nutirtion, or ... well, any number of things, but today was just HARD.
Yesterday wasn't a thrill ride either. When I picked up Caramel from being spayed, I was informed that her bladder had been enlarged, when they "expressed" it, there had been "huge bloody chunks" in the urine. They sent me home with some meds.
I'm really scared! There was no indication that she was sick like that! And I asked the vet what it was, and they're treating the symptoms, but apparently with cats, it could be any NUMBER of things.
It cost an extra $17, and we'll have to take her back to the REGULAR vet (at $40 a visit, never mind lab work, etc), and get more meds. I'm also worried about how we can tell if she's getting sick like that ...
It's pretty scary.
Beyond that ... I'm feeling really awful. Like ... really, really awful. It's always hard how to know how to say that. Because it's not really considered socially acceptable to FEEL awful. You can have a "bad day," but you're not supposed to feel TOO bad. And then there's the complication of how you explain your emotions to somebody. Will they accept them? Will they be frightened of them? Will they laugh at them?
For me personally, I really struggle with thinking my emotions are important at ALL. And that makes sharing them extra-super-REALLY hard.
I figured some things out, but ... I still really hurt.
It's kind of like knowing what kind of disease you're dying from ... Gives it a name, but doesn't actually fix anything.
And right now, I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix what's hurting me, I just have to ... accept it, and live with it.
Not the happiest diagnosis, as it were.
Anyway, I don't feel like anybody wants to read about how miserable I am, so I'll toddle off, and pretend to go to bed or something. ^_^
Night.
Yesterday wasn't a thrill ride either. When I picked up Caramel from being spayed, I was informed that her bladder had been enlarged, when they "expressed" it, there had been "huge bloody chunks" in the urine. They sent me home with some meds.
I'm really scared! There was no indication that she was sick like that! And I asked the vet what it was, and they're treating the symptoms, but apparently with cats, it could be any NUMBER of things.
It cost an extra $17, and we'll have to take her back to the REGULAR vet (at $40 a visit, never mind lab work, etc), and get more meds. I'm also worried about how we can tell if she's getting sick like that ...
It's pretty scary.
Beyond that ... I'm feeling really awful. Like ... really, really awful. It's always hard how to know how to say that. Because it's not really considered socially acceptable to FEEL awful. You can have a "bad day," but you're not supposed to feel TOO bad. And then there's the complication of how you explain your emotions to somebody. Will they accept them? Will they be frightened of them? Will they laugh at them?
For me personally, I really struggle with thinking my emotions are important at ALL. And that makes sharing them extra-super-REALLY hard.
I figured some things out, but ... I still really hurt.
It's kind of like knowing what kind of disease you're dying from ... Gives it a name, but doesn't actually fix anything.
And right now, I feel like there's nothing I can do to fix what's hurting me, I just have to ... accept it, and live with it.
Not the happiest diagnosis, as it were.
Anyway, I don't feel like anybody wants to read about how miserable I am, so I'll toddle off, and pretend to go to bed or something. ^_^
Night.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Birthday!
I have been immobile FAR too long ... So now my brain is brimming over with ideas and anxious-ness ... I want to DO something, man!
I stole th iPad from Shani while she slept, and I have been researching Things To Do for my upcoming 30th birthday in July. :3 And there is no one to talk to, so as figure I would blog about some of my ideas.
Eeeee! Birthday. :3
(I am doing an equitable amount of planning that I think I would do for my wedding ... If I ever have one. BIRTHDAY!)
IT IS TURNING INTO A THREE DAY EXTRAVAGANZA. And why not? A lot of people will be traveling down for it, they may as well get their money's worth.
It is REALLY SUPER IMPORTANT to me that no one person feels like they have to do ALL THE THINGS. Since I come from a family FULL of people who live under that mis-conception, I am trying to plan my way around it so they don't even TRY to do all the things.
I want to have a time where there is a drop-in for my birthday, and everybody important to my life can show up, give me a hug (and a present! ... If they waaaaaant to ...) and maybe write in the memory book I plan to have available.
AND GAPE IN AWE AT THE AWESOME DECORATIONS AT MY PARTY! :D To enjoy them, of course. I want to turn the whole stream area that goes through the plum trees at my family's into a FAIRY TALE FOREST OF BEAUTIFNESS. I need some help from gardeny-type people for the flowers and plants and things ..l but I have a lot of ideas for other decorations too! I want to hang little black and white picture of myself at various ages from the trees, fill them with lanterns and twinkle lights, and I found some cool DIY glass mushrooms on Pinterest this morning! I want it to be a cool, nicely scented fairy BOWER. With mini cupcakes for all!
Mini cupcakes for all ... So, since my sister Alainna would probably try to make and frost them all HERSELF, I thought the day before we could have a mini cupcake frosting party! Since all the guests are family ANYWAY, they won't mind frosting cupcakes, and anything we do together is fun, so ... FUN!
Theeeeeen, I was thinking about how as want to have dancing at the masquerade dinner during th private part of the party, and I was like "Heeeeeeeeeey! We could have Catherine (also a guest) come over the night before and give us all a little DANCING LESSON so people will actually be DANCING the next night!"
DON'T MOCK ME, THIS IS BRILLIANT.
So that's two days, right? Well, I KNOW my mommy, bless her heart, and even if I do manage to organize things so they're easy and not all on her, she will still try to do ALL TH THINGS at my birthday, so I thought, "Heeeeeey, the next day, as a group (traveling people need their money's worth, right?) we could just float down the RIVER!" Because I love any excuse to hang out with my friends more, floating down the river is low-key, and everybody can just bring chips and hot dogs, and we'll roast 'em and float and just chillax together.
THREE DAY EXTRAVAGANZA.
Which is not entirely inappropriate for a 3-0 birthday, no?
I stole th iPad from Shani while she slept, and I have been researching Things To Do for my upcoming 30th birthday in July. :3 And there is no one to talk to, so as figure I would blog about some of my ideas.
Eeeee! Birthday. :3
(I am doing an equitable amount of planning that I think I would do for my wedding ... If I ever have one. BIRTHDAY!)
IT IS TURNING INTO A THREE DAY EXTRAVAGANZA. And why not? A lot of people will be traveling down for it, they may as well get their money's worth.
It is REALLY SUPER IMPORTANT to me that no one person feels like they have to do ALL THE THINGS. Since I come from a family FULL of people who live under that mis-conception, I am trying to plan my way around it so they don't even TRY to do all the things.
I want to have a time where there is a drop-in for my birthday, and everybody important to my life can show up, give me a hug (and a present! ... If they waaaaaant to ...) and maybe write in the memory book I plan to have available.
AND GAPE IN AWE AT THE AWESOME DECORATIONS AT MY PARTY! :D To enjoy them, of course. I want to turn the whole stream area that goes through the plum trees at my family's into a FAIRY TALE FOREST OF BEAUTIFNESS. I need some help from gardeny-type people for the flowers and plants and things ..l but I have a lot of ideas for other decorations too! I want to hang little black and white picture of myself at various ages from the trees, fill them with lanterns and twinkle lights, and I found some cool DIY glass mushrooms on Pinterest this morning! I want it to be a cool, nicely scented fairy BOWER. With mini cupcakes for all!
Mini cupcakes for all ... So, since my sister Alainna would probably try to make and frost them all HERSELF, I thought the day before we could have a mini cupcake frosting party! Since all the guests are family ANYWAY, they won't mind frosting cupcakes, and anything we do together is fun, so ... FUN!
Theeeeeen, I was thinking about how as want to have dancing at the masquerade dinner during th private part of the party, and I was like "Heeeeeeeeeey! We could have Catherine (also a guest) come over the night before and give us all a little DANCING LESSON so people will actually be DANCING the next night!"
DON'T MOCK ME, THIS IS BRILLIANT.
So that's two days, right? Well, I KNOW my mommy, bless her heart, and even if I do manage to organize things so they're easy and not all on her, she will still try to do ALL TH THINGS at my birthday, so I thought, "Heeeeeey, the next day, as a group (traveling people need their money's worth, right?) we could just float down the RIVER!" Because I love any excuse to hang out with my friends more, floating down the river is low-key, and everybody can just bring chips and hot dogs, and we'll roast 'em and float and just chillax together.
THREE DAY EXTRAVAGANZA.
Which is not entirely inappropriate for a 3-0 birthday, no?
Something Beautiful
I had an idea. A marvelous idea. A wonderful, marvelous, uncanny idea!
I'm just not sure if it's a GOOD idea ...
Shani came home from the girls' lock-in and sleepover (at 1:30 am, which caused a slight panic in those of us sleeping at home. I woke up at 12:30 and wondered why she wasn't back yet. Fortunately, she knows me, so responded quickly to my texts, allaying rising panic. Anyway,) sleepover at NHCC, and as she was telling me about it I was hit with my idea:
We could do that.
The sleepover was about looking at yourself through God's eyes, and how we are beautiful. There were art stations, and decorations, and a special speaker, and mirrors with Bible verses on them (so you'd be looking at yourself THROUGH God's word - literally!), and I thought we could do that!
We have in the past. The tea parties we put together, the fairy tale party, other things that are currently escaping my mind ... The tea parties in particular. We put them together, and we spoke at them about God and beauty and self-worth at them, arranging the theme of the party around what. We're speaking on. And we're really good at it.
Well, TOGETHER we are.
Like I said, opposite, but complimentary gifts.
So, when Shai described that, I was immediately struck with WE COULD DO THAT.
Here's my idea so far as it has gelled:
We would start a company (my current name idea is "Something Beautiful") and be engaged by youth groups, churches, Sunday school, or parents, to create an event that would speak to young ladies (I'm thinking of age 10 - 18) about different things, beauty, careers, singleness, self-worth, dreams, and their relationship with Jesus. We would do all the planning, decorating, cooking, prep and clean up, etc. We can fashion the event around their speaker, or be speakers ourselves. The POINT would be to help young women overcome the hurts and lies they have to live with in our society.
Healing and helping people is something Shani and I BOTH love to do.
I've been trying to figure a business we could go into together for awhile that would work with both our talents, and I think this could.
I am a visionary. As you might have noticed from my idea, I have BIG ideas! They're shiny, and glossy, and pretty! But they're awfully hard for me to pin down into the nitty-gritty details of real life. Shani, however, is MARVELOUS at that! She listens to me chat about my idea (with such specific terms as "shiny, glossy, and pretty,") asks me about it, and then starts figuring out what I MEAN.
Like my birthday party. I want it to be BIG, and a celebration of who I am, that my life has meaning and a REASON to celebrate, and to give me hope that people love and believe in me for my future.
Sounds awesome, right? But what does it mean?
Shani is helping me sort that out, and is helping me make things practical WITHOUT giving up my big dream.
For example, I want a time for people to drop in. There will be different spaces for people to sit, 5-6 to a group. What about seating? Because I don't want plastic or metal chairs, that's CHINTZY. And I do NOT WANT CHINTZY.
Shannon: "What about stumps and logs? Your family has tons of those around. You said you wanted it to be fairy-tale like, and we could decorate them with cushions and fabric, and stumps and logs would stay in the fairy-tale theme without costing anything."
Me: "... Ooooooooh! What a great idea!"
See? It's how we roll.
Also, I'm a very good party host. Not a conventional host, but people feel at ease and welcomed around me, and pretty soon start chatting and feeling good.
On the other hand, I'm TERRIBLE at making sure the food is laid out on time with NAPKINS and UTENSILS and that everybody has a place to SIT ... But Shani is *great* at it.
She also has this bizarre talent to create something from nothing. It's amazing - seriously. At our parties, she somehow always manages to create these beautiful environments just from random things lying around. I never even see it as a possibility, and she just says, "Trust me, it will work!"
I've learned to shut up and trust her.
In re: the speaking bits of our potential company, since Logos started having a chapel, I've gotten to speak a LOT more, and I REALLY like it. I even have several different speeches addressing things I've noticed NEED addressing planned and running through my head at different times.
Girls especially are on my heart, because I remember being one. And I remember struggling (and still struggling!) with a bunch of lies. I look at the women around me, some of them best friends, some of them just women I know, and a lot of them are living on a false set of beliefs:
"I am not pretty enough."
"I have to be good enough."
"I am worthless."
"I can't."
"I am not important."
"No one will take care of me."
I know several women who have ended up in sick marriages - and I use the term "sick" with intention - because they married the guy, assuming nobody else would have them.
Breaks my heart, it really does.
These lies start in childhood! And without someone speaking into their hearts the TRUTH, how are the young women of today going to walk in it?
That they ARE beautiful!
That they don't HAVE to be "good enough."
That they are PRICELESS.
That they CAN.
That they ARE important.
That they WILL be taken care of.
Anyway. That's my idea. Yeah.
I dunno about making it work. I would need to talk with Shani, and with our pastor, and Shani's parents, and other pastors (is there a market for this kind of thing). But ... it would be something DIFFERENT, still in keeping with our talents, still allowing me to minister (that's very important to me), but also different.
And I'm kind of ready for something different ...
I'm just not sure if it's a GOOD idea ...
Shani came home from the girls' lock-in and sleepover (at 1:30 am, which caused a slight panic in those of us sleeping at home. I woke up at 12:30 and wondered why she wasn't back yet. Fortunately, she knows me, so responded quickly to my texts, allaying rising panic. Anyway,) sleepover at NHCC, and as she was telling me about it I was hit with my idea:
We could do that.
The sleepover was about looking at yourself through God's eyes, and how we are beautiful. There were art stations, and decorations, and a special speaker, and mirrors with Bible verses on them (so you'd be looking at yourself THROUGH God's word - literally!), and I thought we could do that!
We have in the past. The tea parties we put together, the fairy tale party, other things that are currently escaping my mind ... The tea parties in particular. We put them together, and we spoke at them about God and beauty and self-worth at them, arranging the theme of the party around what. We're speaking on. And we're really good at it.
Well, TOGETHER we are.
Like I said, opposite, but complimentary gifts.
So, when Shai described that, I was immediately struck with WE COULD DO THAT.
Here's my idea so far as it has gelled:
We would start a company (my current name idea is "Something Beautiful") and be engaged by youth groups, churches, Sunday school, or parents, to create an event that would speak to young ladies (I'm thinking of age 10 - 18) about different things, beauty, careers, singleness, self-worth, dreams, and their relationship with Jesus. We would do all the planning, decorating, cooking, prep and clean up, etc. We can fashion the event around their speaker, or be speakers ourselves. The POINT would be to help young women overcome the hurts and lies they have to live with in our society.
Healing and helping people is something Shani and I BOTH love to do.
I've been trying to figure a business we could go into together for awhile that would work with both our talents, and I think this could.
I am a visionary. As you might have noticed from my idea, I have BIG ideas! They're shiny, and glossy, and pretty! But they're awfully hard for me to pin down into the nitty-gritty details of real life. Shani, however, is MARVELOUS at that! She listens to me chat about my idea (with such specific terms as "shiny, glossy, and pretty,") asks me about it, and then starts figuring out what I MEAN.
Like my birthday party. I want it to be BIG, and a celebration of who I am, that my life has meaning and a REASON to celebrate, and to give me hope that people love and believe in me for my future.
Sounds awesome, right? But what does it mean?
Shani is helping me sort that out, and is helping me make things practical WITHOUT giving up my big dream.
For example, I want a time for people to drop in. There will be different spaces for people to sit, 5-6 to a group. What about seating? Because I don't want plastic or metal chairs, that's CHINTZY. And I do NOT WANT CHINTZY.
Shannon: "What about stumps and logs? Your family has tons of those around. You said you wanted it to be fairy-tale like, and we could decorate them with cushions and fabric, and stumps and logs would stay in the fairy-tale theme without costing anything."
Me: "... Ooooooooh! What a great idea!"
See? It's how we roll.
Also, I'm a very good party host. Not a conventional host, but people feel at ease and welcomed around me, and pretty soon start chatting and feeling good.
On the other hand, I'm TERRIBLE at making sure the food is laid out on time with NAPKINS and UTENSILS and that everybody has a place to SIT ... But Shani is *great* at it.
She also has this bizarre talent to create something from nothing. It's amazing - seriously. At our parties, she somehow always manages to create these beautiful environments just from random things lying around. I never even see it as a possibility, and she just says, "Trust me, it will work!"
I've learned to shut up and trust her.
In re: the speaking bits of our potential company, since Logos started having a chapel, I've gotten to speak a LOT more, and I REALLY like it. I even have several different speeches addressing things I've noticed NEED addressing planned and running through my head at different times.
Girls especially are on my heart, because I remember being one. And I remember struggling (and still struggling!) with a bunch of lies. I look at the women around me, some of them best friends, some of them just women I know, and a lot of them are living on a false set of beliefs:
"I am not pretty enough."
"I have to be good enough."
"I am worthless."
"I can't."
"I am not important."
"No one will take care of me."
I know several women who have ended up in sick marriages - and I use the term "sick" with intention - because they married the guy, assuming nobody else would have them.
Breaks my heart, it really does.
These lies start in childhood! And without someone speaking into their hearts the TRUTH, how are the young women of today going to walk in it?
That they ARE beautiful!
That they don't HAVE to be "good enough."
That they are PRICELESS.
That they CAN.
That they ARE important.
That they WILL be taken care of.
Anyway. That's my idea. Yeah.
I dunno about making it work. I would need to talk with Shani, and with our pastor, and Shani's parents, and other pastors (is there a market for this kind of thing). But ... it would be something DIFFERENT, still in keeping with our talents, still allowing me to minister (that's very important to me), but also different.
And I'm kind of ready for something different ...
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Whoo! Many Things To Say!
Prepare for a WALL OF TEXT blog!
Stuff I want to talk about:
- Ewan's visit
- Sickness
- My art
- Empathy
That list is mostly for my remembrance. ^_^
Ewan's visit! I got to watch Ewan all day on Tuesday! Eee! *swoon* Which is why there was no blog. Babies are constant. Okay, Ewan's not a BABY anymore, but he's still pretty constant. I love him to bits, and there were times on Tuesday when my heart throbbed with longing to have small-child time ALL the time, but my brain was also intelligent to note that after a few days of spending all my energies focusing on another small person, I would really need some time for me and my own stuff!
It reminded me how sensitive and helpful we need to be to mommies with small children. Because there's not really a break for them.
It was loads of fun though. He was under the weather, so we took it easy. We watched Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Mister Rogers is an amazing, incredible man. I teared up more than once because the words he was saying were so true to ME. "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" "You're special." "I like you." "You make every day a special day, just by being you." The wisdom he speaks is profound at every age.
I loved how sensitive he was to things that might be scary. He went to a fire station and put on a mask, etc. He asked the fire chief (who was helping him) if he looked scary, and then told the camera that it was still alright because it was him under there. How sensitive! How kind!
It was funny, I told Ewan we were going to watch Mister Rogers, and he said, "No, I want to watch Mickey Mouse! No, I want to watch Spider-man!" But within moments of Mister Rogers opening the door, looking at the camera and singing, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor! Would you be mine?" He was entranced.
I was too. Security, love and acceptance. <3 Mister Rogers.
We also went for a slow walk later that day. Walking with a small child involves a LOT of patience, and surrendering your own agenda. Ewan's first response was, "I don't have a stroller, Issa!" I explained he could walk on his own two feet.
I enjoyed him thoroughly, but we went very, very slow. If I had been focused on walking a certain distance, or getting to a place (I had hopes for the library ...), or walking a certain speed, I would have been frustrated and angry. Ewan had to run ahead, and then run backwards. He had to take time to sit in the bark mulch and jump and stomp in the puddles. He had to stop and talk to EVERY kitty and doggie. He had to run around every telephone pole and swing on the stop signs. He had to hide behind trees. He had to stop and imitate the crow in the trees, asking, "What's that, Issa? Caw caw!" He had to examine the fire hydrants, and climb on top of things and jump off.
I had to keep up a running stream of awareness and chatter. "Here comes a street, now you must hold my hand. Look both ways. Okay, keep looking, here we go. Stay on the sidewalk. That's a crow! He's up there in that tree, waaaay up high! That's a rock. Leave the rocks alone, they're dirty. That's bark mulch. Here's a parking lot, hold my hand. I see you!"
The whole time I was doing this, I was smiling and enjoying myself hugely, and also aware that I was setting myself aside to focus on Ewan's needs and capabilities.
I'm pretty sure there's a metaphor in there about how Christ walks with us in our lives. Especially since Ewan didn't *quite* stay out of trouble the whole time. :3
I was pleased to make somebody's day on the walk. There were two older women coming down the narrow sidewalk, and I took the opportunity to example some manners to Ewan. I took his hand and told him, "We're going to wait over here Ewan, being courteous to these two lovely ladies." I wasn't thinking of anything other than "Teach Ewan Respect for Others," but then they suddenly exclaimed, "Oh! She called us lovely!" and they went by smiling and glowing.
A thoughtless comment made their day.
I'm glad I've worked hard to make my thoughtless comments ones of kindness (usually).
Anyway, we had fun. Ewan was grumpy after waking up from his nap (post-walk), but that's okay.
My Caleb stopped by that afternoon, and flabbergasted me! He knocked on the door at 4:30, and I opened it, expecting to see Amy. It took me a second to realize it was CALEB, and then I glomped him. ^_^ I was not expecting to see him at ALL that day. He's down for his mom's wedding, and I was pretty worried that we wouldn't get to spend ANY time together at all, but the three of us have managed to squeeze some in around the corners. Best friends shouldn't have to be squeezed in around corners, but WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET! (Oh, busyness, I despise thee.)
I've been thinking about my art more lately. Well, partly because I've been DOING it more lately - which is nice! (Sayonara, FB!) But I've noticed there are two ways that I touch peoples hearts: with my voice and with my art.
Which is ironic, because I'm not the best at either of those things.
But somehow, I'm able to convey meaning in through music and through pictures that I CAN'T convey through words, and my songs or my drawings reach out and grab people in their hurting places and says "Hey. You're understood. Your pain is real. And it's okay."
But what do I do with that? I DON'T KNOW. I know it's really important to me, because I WANT to touch people! I WANT to help them and share with them.
Heh, Caleb mentioned something last night, "You can't disconnect from anything, can you?"
No. No I can't.
If someone is hurting, I hurt. If someone is sad, I'm sad. If someone is doing something foolish or wrong that will ultimately bring more hurt into their lives, I'M ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE.
This is why I can't cope with Facebook anymore. I popped on for a few minutes the other night and UGH. AUGH. GROAN. The intense pain that settled on my heart as I read posts from people I cared about ... AUAUUUUUGH.
I will learn my lesson eventually, and never get on again. @_@
Anyway. Art.
What do I do with it? To quote Uncle Ben, "With great power comes great responsibility," and I think I have a responsibility to use my talents to help people. But I don't know how. And frankly, I would *like* to do it in some way that has everybody know me and gets me famous. Because I like attention and I like to be noticed.
Now you know I'm not as nice as y'all thought I was. *sigh* I do have a very competetive spirit. It sticks little pins into me whenever I hear of someone being better at something than me, or doing better. =_= I hate it, but there it is. I hope I get over this.
And I hope that my art DOES get out there and helps lots of people, but I also hope that I can learn to be content and satisfied if it just helps one person. That's just harder for me to take. :3
That bit kind of covered art AND empathy. Oh, one more thing!
I've noticed that I pick up on a lot of subtleties in the emotions of those around me, but UNLIKE Shannon (there's those pins again) I am not fully aware of them, or able to verbalize them. But my art expresses them. Go figure.
Aaaah ... SICKNESS! So! School was cancelled Monday. And Tuesday. Because half the staff and student body is ill! Well, we're open today, even though the staff and students are STILL ill, and I am now one of the casualties. ^_^ Except for Caleb yesterday, I spent the day watching through the X-men series (my brother's copies of the DVD's are here at my house, waiting for transfer to his). Today, I am blogging. Mostly because I sat down at the computer to email my kids what to do, and now I'm too tired to get up.
And I missed it.
And I like it.
Anyway, I'm not as bad off as the rest of the plagued population. No vomiting (THANK GOD. I HATE VOMITING MORE THAN ANYTHING, EVER.), and I'm not MISERABLE. Malaise, bronchial phlegm, coughing and loss of voice are my symptoms. It probably helps that I have had the sense shouted into me to STOP when I'm sick, and IMMEDIATELY retire from all other activities. Thank you, Shannon. So yesterday when I woke up and knew I was sick, it only took me an hour to talk myself into cancelling work and appointments (except Caleb). Then I just sat on the couch in a blankie, and focused on getting well.
Which I better trot off to do now!
Ta!
Oh, I'll leave you with the next two pages of the comic I'm currently working on:
I've been reading Spider-man comics, in case you couldn't tell.
Now it's off to the couch with soup, crackers and juice for me. N'cha!
Stuff I want to talk about:
- Ewan's visit
- Sickness
- My art
- Empathy
That list is mostly for my remembrance. ^_^
Ewan's visit! I got to watch Ewan all day on Tuesday! Eee! *swoon* Which is why there was no blog. Babies are constant. Okay, Ewan's not a BABY anymore, but he's still pretty constant. I love him to bits, and there were times on Tuesday when my heart throbbed with longing to have small-child time ALL the time, but my brain was also intelligent to note that after a few days of spending all my energies focusing on another small person, I would really need some time for me and my own stuff!
It reminded me how sensitive and helpful we need to be to mommies with small children. Because there's not really a break for them.
It was loads of fun though. He was under the weather, so we took it easy. We watched Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. Mister Rogers is an amazing, incredible man. I teared up more than once because the words he was saying were so true to ME. "What do you do with the mad that you feel?" "You're special." "I like you." "You make every day a special day, just by being you." The wisdom he speaks is profound at every age.
I loved how sensitive he was to things that might be scary. He went to a fire station and put on a mask, etc. He asked the fire chief (who was helping him) if he looked scary, and then told the camera that it was still alright because it was him under there. How sensitive! How kind!
It was funny, I told Ewan we were going to watch Mister Rogers, and he said, "No, I want to watch Mickey Mouse! No, I want to watch Spider-man!" But within moments of Mister Rogers opening the door, looking at the camera and singing, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor! Would you be mine?" He was entranced.
I was too. Security, love and acceptance. <3 Mister Rogers.
We also went for a slow walk later that day. Walking with a small child involves a LOT of patience, and surrendering your own agenda. Ewan's first response was, "I don't have a stroller, Issa!" I explained he could walk on his own two feet.
I enjoyed him thoroughly, but we went very, very slow. If I had been focused on walking a certain distance, or getting to a place (I had hopes for the library ...), or walking a certain speed, I would have been frustrated and angry. Ewan had to run ahead, and then run backwards. He had to take time to sit in the bark mulch and jump and stomp in the puddles. He had to stop and talk to EVERY kitty and doggie. He had to run around every telephone pole and swing on the stop signs. He had to hide behind trees. He had to stop and imitate the crow in the trees, asking, "What's that, Issa? Caw caw!" He had to examine the fire hydrants, and climb on top of things and jump off.
I had to keep up a running stream of awareness and chatter. "Here comes a street, now you must hold my hand. Look both ways. Okay, keep looking, here we go. Stay on the sidewalk. That's a crow! He's up there in that tree, waaaay up high! That's a rock. Leave the rocks alone, they're dirty. That's bark mulch. Here's a parking lot, hold my hand. I see you!"
The whole time I was doing this, I was smiling and enjoying myself hugely, and also aware that I was setting myself aside to focus on Ewan's needs and capabilities.
I'm pretty sure there's a metaphor in there about how Christ walks with us in our lives. Especially since Ewan didn't *quite* stay out of trouble the whole time. :3
I was pleased to make somebody's day on the walk. There were two older women coming down the narrow sidewalk, and I took the opportunity to example some manners to Ewan. I took his hand and told him, "We're going to wait over here Ewan, being courteous to these two lovely ladies." I wasn't thinking of anything other than "Teach Ewan Respect for Others," but then they suddenly exclaimed, "Oh! She called us lovely!" and they went by smiling and glowing.
A thoughtless comment made their day.
I'm glad I've worked hard to make my thoughtless comments ones of kindness (usually).
Anyway, we had fun. Ewan was grumpy after waking up from his nap (post-walk), but that's okay.
My Caleb stopped by that afternoon, and flabbergasted me! He knocked on the door at 4:30, and I opened it, expecting to see Amy. It took me a second to realize it was CALEB, and then I glomped him. ^_^ I was not expecting to see him at ALL that day. He's down for his mom's wedding, and I was pretty worried that we wouldn't get to spend ANY time together at all, but the three of us have managed to squeeze some in around the corners. Best friends shouldn't have to be squeezed in around corners, but WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET! (Oh, busyness, I despise thee.)
I've been thinking about my art more lately. Well, partly because I've been DOING it more lately - which is nice! (Sayonara, FB!) But I've noticed there are two ways that I touch peoples hearts: with my voice and with my art.
Which is ironic, because I'm not the best at either of those things.
But somehow, I'm able to convey meaning in through music and through pictures that I CAN'T convey through words, and my songs or my drawings reach out and grab people in their hurting places and says "Hey. You're understood. Your pain is real. And it's okay."
But what do I do with that? I DON'T KNOW. I know it's really important to me, because I WANT to touch people! I WANT to help them and share with them.
Heh, Caleb mentioned something last night, "You can't disconnect from anything, can you?"
No. No I can't.
If someone is hurting, I hurt. If someone is sad, I'm sad. If someone is doing something foolish or wrong that will ultimately bring more hurt into their lives, I'M ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE.
This is why I can't cope with Facebook anymore. I popped on for a few minutes the other night and UGH. AUGH. GROAN. The intense pain that settled on my heart as I read posts from people I cared about ... AUAUUUUUGH.
I will learn my lesson eventually, and never get on again. @_@
Anyway. Art.
What do I do with it? To quote Uncle Ben, "With great power comes great responsibility," and I think I have a responsibility to use my talents to help people. But I don't know how. And frankly, I would *like* to do it in some way that has everybody know me and gets me famous. Because I like attention and I like to be noticed.
Now you know I'm not as nice as y'all thought I was. *sigh* I do have a very competetive spirit. It sticks little pins into me whenever I hear of someone being better at something than me, or doing better. =_= I hate it, but there it is. I hope I get over this.
And I hope that my art DOES get out there and helps lots of people, but I also hope that I can learn to be content and satisfied if it just helps one person. That's just harder for me to take. :3
That bit kind of covered art AND empathy. Oh, one more thing!
I've noticed that I pick up on a lot of subtleties in the emotions of those around me, but UNLIKE Shannon (there's those pins again) I am not fully aware of them, or able to verbalize them. But my art expresses them. Go figure.
Aaaah ... SICKNESS! So! School was cancelled Monday. And Tuesday. Because half the staff and student body is ill! Well, we're open today, even though the staff and students are STILL ill, and I am now one of the casualties. ^_^ Except for Caleb yesterday, I spent the day watching through the X-men series (my brother's copies of the DVD's are here at my house, waiting for transfer to his). Today, I am blogging. Mostly because I sat down at the computer to email my kids what to do, and now I'm too tired to get up.
And I missed it.
And I like it.
Anyway, I'm not as bad off as the rest of the plagued population. No vomiting (THANK GOD. I HATE VOMITING MORE THAN ANYTHING, EVER.), and I'm not MISERABLE. Malaise, bronchial phlegm, coughing and loss of voice are my symptoms. It probably helps that I have had the sense shouted into me to STOP when I'm sick, and IMMEDIATELY retire from all other activities. Thank you, Shannon. So yesterday when I woke up and knew I was sick, it only took me an hour to talk myself into cancelling work and appointments (except Caleb). Then I just sat on the couch in a blankie, and focused on getting well.
Which I better trot off to do now!
Ta!
Oh, I'll leave you with the next two pages of the comic I'm currently working on:
I've been reading Spider-man comics, in case you couldn't tell.
Now it's off to the couch with soup, crackers and juice for me. N'cha!
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