I always find it ironic that we are supposed to NEVER be discouraged.
Or if we are, discouraged, we're supposed to be working through it, and getting better.
We're certainly never supposed to give in to discouragement.
On the other hand, I know what giving in discouragement can lead to.
I really like Winston Churchill's quote, "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
Because that's what feeling discouraged is like.
It's like Frodo and Sam in the middle of the black land, having escaped from Ungoliant, escaped from the Tower, lost Gollum, left the orc troupe behind, and still climbing, climbing and climbing up Mount Doom to destroy the ring.
Nothing left except the focus of "destroy the ring." No emotions. No looking forward in hope. Just "destroy the ring," and sometimes you just have to stop, and breathe and eat some lembas ...
But lying there in your elf-cloak, you know that you're still gonna have to roll over, get up, and keep crawling up that stinking mountain, and throw the ring in the fire.
You get too tired to even care.
But you can't quit.
You can rest, but you can't quit.
I think that's an important point that is being missed.
It's okay to be discouraged. Getting the ring to Mount Doom seems hopeless, feels hopeless, and there's no hope of anything after it, except death (which at this point, sounds like a good rest).
But the thing is, you can't give up getting the ring to Mount Doom. EVERYBODY WILL DIE IF YOU GIVE UP GETTING THE RING TO MOUNT DOOM.
... There's a lesson here somewhere, I'm sure.
I'm really discouraged lately. I want to give up. It seems like everything I try is useless and futile. It doesn't matter if something I do DOES work out, but that's just how depression works.
It's like Ecclesiastes, VANITY, VANITY, VANITY.
I'm really discouraged because I'm watching my friends go off left and right, and right and left, and frankly, I'm just waiting for the penultimate one to bite the dust.
Just waiting for it.
Waiting for the text, or the phone call, or the visit that reveals I'm no longer part of their life. <_>
I'm so tired of those.
I try to be glad for Shani, because SHE won't leave me at least, but somehow ... Shani is not balancing out the people on the leaving side.
I could list them all, but that is just TOO DEPRESSING.
And my students. *sigh* WHY AM I A TEACHER? I feel like nothing I'm doing is reaching my kids. Which is silly, because there's about four students who think I am just THE ULTIMATE IN AWESOME. But it's all the other kids. They're intent on being ignorant and proud and staying ignorant and proud.
Which would be fine, except I care about what happens to them. I don't particularly want to see them experience the consequences for their choices.
Also, when you're working yourself as hard as I work, and there is no monetary reward (I am not making money, people. I subsist. I might as well be a non-profit organization), you want to see what you're doing make a difference.
All I feel like I'm doing is being an irritation in their lives.
I feel superfluous everywhere. I don't feel like I'm needed or wanted at the school. I don't feel like my friends need or want me. When I asked them to be in contact more, eventually everyone said, "Stop texting so much," for various REASONABLE reasons ...
But what it said to me was "You are not wanted."
For someone who has struggled with that their whole lives, that is a very powerful, debilitating message.
I feel like I'm even superfluous in Shannon's life. The only thing I really do in her life is pay bills. She has all these new activities and new stuff at school, and new friends. She tries to include me, of course, but ...
I don't really feel like I fit in.
Urg.
WRITING WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER.
Instead, I just feel more depressed.
I'm angry, too. Angry at my friends. Because, HELLO, I need you, but obviously THAT doesn't matter!
I'm angry that the energy and love I pour out on my kids is pointless, not appreciated, and useless. (Not entirely, I got a nice thank you the other day, but that doesn't really affect you when you're depressed.)
I'm angry that I have friends who are giving up and giving up, left and right, and I'm left ALONE, carrying on.
I'm angry at being the only one left.
Get up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. Get up. We'll make it up the mountain, we'll destroy that ring, and I don't know what will happen next, but get up, Frodo!
In closing, Shani made me happy just now with a text.
See? Don't give up, Frodo. This is Sam talking. We'll make it.
One step at a time.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
(Almost) Vegan Enchiladas
I saw enchiladas at my 3rd job last night, and realized I really, really wanted some. So today, I started on a mission to make some! It has taken two hours, as I predicted. @_@
I have a very accurate sense of how long it will take to do things.
In some ways, this is good, because it gets me places on time.
In other ways, this is bad, because I'm always aware of time.
Back to the enchiladas.
I definitely wanted vegetarian enchiladas. I was originally intending to go to the store and buy some Morning Star vegetable crumbles (i.e.: fake hamburger). But I didn't have the opportunity. Therefore, I was thrust back to the wonderful vegetarian vegetable hamburger substitute: black beans.
The recipe I had pinned on pinterest, "black beans enchiladas" made me angry. Since the recipe was "use leftover black bean burger, combine with enchilada sauce."
WHAT?! WHAT?!
THIS IS WHY NON-VEGETARIANS THINK THAT VEGETARIAN FOOD IS GROSS AND TASTELESS.
Therefore, I set out to make my own recipe.
I looked up several different black bean burger recipes, and took the parts that I liked. I also added a LOT of spices, because I really like flavorful food.
(This is Shannon's fault. She taught me that food has flavor. NOW I WILL NEVER FORGET.)
Here is the recipe for the Black Bean mixture.
2 cups canned black beans, mashed. (I used the leftovers of a can and a can. Next time I will use two cans, as it wasn't quite enough.)
1 cup chopped spinach
1 tbs lemon juice
1/4 of a large onion, chopped
1/2 cup chopped parsley
7 oz can of green chilies
1 garlic clove, diced small (not quite minced, because I couldn't be bothered.)
1/2 cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp salt (I used sea salt. It's what I had)
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp paprika
MIX ALL THE THINGS TOGETHER.
Now you have a beautiful mix to put in the middle of your enchiladas.
If you're an olive-liking person (I'm not!), olives would be a wonderful thing to add to this. Also, cilantro would work just as well as parsley, except Shani and I don't really care for cilantro.
The mix is kind of dry until you add in the green chilies. If it stays too dry, throw in an egg, some olive oil, or a touch more lemon juice.
Part II
I excitedly grabbed the can of enchilada sauce from the pantry, and opened it up. It hissed as it opened, and sprayed out a little bit. As this was a donated can, I was a bit concerned. The insides looked ... Icky. Better safe than sorry (my constant inner mantra), so I tossed it, and realized now I was going to have to make enchilada sauce TOO! AAAARG!
Green enchilada sauce was out of the question (which is what I WANTED), since I had no tomatillos. I didn't even know tomatillos were a thing, until I looked up how to make green enchilada sauce.
Time was running out, since I have to bike to work at 4:30, so I did a quick search for easy enchilada sauce. I found this recipe: Ten Minute Enchilada Sauce .
I then proceeded to dance around with it, and make it work my way.
Firstly, why use garlic powder and onion salt when YOU HAVE THE REAL THING?!
Tsk.
Also, I have home-canned tomato sauce in pints. Since I knew any tomato sauce I put in the fridge would spoil, I used all of it and cut the water down to compensate. This made for a really, really thick sauce. Which, I was thinking I would thin more for next time, but .... the thickness is appealing. Om nom nom.
I would have loved to have some jalapeños or other hot peppers to throw in, but alas! Not this time. (But surely NEXT! Unless I make green sauce with those tomatillas.)
So here is the recipe as I made it:
Enchilada Sauce
1/4 vegetable oil
1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 of a large onion, minced finely (See how I'm using the other quarter of my onion from earlier?)
2 tbs corn meal
1/4 chili powder
16 oz tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp cumin
Saute onion and garlic in vegetable oil. Add corn meal. (I figure this was for thickening the sauce. Not sure it's entirely necessary ...)
Add all the other ingredients. Stir will, let simmer 7 minutes. (Longer might be better, but I was running out of time!)
There you have it!
I then dipped the tortillas one by one in the sauce, filled them, rolled them and put them in a greased pan. When the pan was filled (It made ALMOST 8 enchiladas. The last one was pretty skinny.), I poured the rest of the sauce over the enchiladas, covered with cheese (like I said, ALMOST vegan. Cheese is probably the only reason I will never be fully vegan ...), diced green onions, and backed at 350 for 20 minutes.
Now to taste ...
(Om nom nom nom)
... Oh wow.
Wow.
Little sweet (that's the homemade tomato sauce), not at all spicey (although I think Alainna would disagree), but definitely flavorful.
Now I'm going to eat my triumph.
Ta!
Om nom nom nom nom nom ...
I have a very accurate sense of how long it will take to do things.
In some ways, this is good, because it gets me places on time.
In other ways, this is bad, because I'm always aware of time.
Back to the enchiladas.
I definitely wanted vegetarian enchiladas. I was originally intending to go to the store and buy some Morning Star vegetable crumbles (i.e.: fake hamburger). But I didn't have the opportunity. Therefore, I was thrust back to the wonderful vegetarian vegetable hamburger substitute: black beans.
The recipe I had pinned on pinterest, "black beans enchiladas" made me angry. Since the recipe was "use leftover black bean burger, combine with enchilada sauce."
WHAT?! WHAT?!
THIS IS WHY NON-VEGETARIANS THINK THAT VEGETARIAN FOOD IS GROSS AND TASTELESS.
Therefore, I set out to make my own recipe.
I looked up several different black bean burger recipes, and took the parts that I liked. I also added a LOT of spices, because I really like flavorful food.
(This is Shannon's fault. She taught me that food has flavor. NOW I WILL NEVER FORGET.)
Here is the recipe for the Black Bean mixture.
2 cups canned black beans, mashed. (I used the leftovers of a can and a can. Next time I will use two cans, as it wasn't quite enough.)
1 cup chopped spinach
1 tbs lemon juice
1/4 of a large onion, chopped
1/2 cup chopped parsley
7 oz can of green chilies
1 garlic clove, diced small (not quite minced, because I couldn't be bothered.)
1/2 cumin
1 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp salt (I used sea salt. It's what I had)
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes
1/2 tsp paprika
MIX ALL THE THINGS TOGETHER.
Now you have a beautiful mix to put in the middle of your enchiladas.
If you're an olive-liking person (I'm not!), olives would be a wonderful thing to add to this. Also, cilantro would work just as well as parsley, except Shani and I don't really care for cilantro.
The mix is kind of dry until you add in the green chilies. If it stays too dry, throw in an egg, some olive oil, or a touch more lemon juice.
Part II
I excitedly grabbed the can of enchilada sauce from the pantry, and opened it up. It hissed as it opened, and sprayed out a little bit. As this was a donated can, I was a bit concerned. The insides looked ... Icky. Better safe than sorry (my constant inner mantra), so I tossed it, and realized now I was going to have to make enchilada sauce TOO! AAAARG!
Green enchilada sauce was out of the question (which is what I WANTED), since I had no tomatillos. I didn't even know tomatillos were a thing, until I looked up how to make green enchilada sauce.
Time was running out, since I have to bike to work at 4:30, so I did a quick search for easy enchilada sauce. I found this recipe: Ten Minute Enchilada Sauce .
I then proceeded to dance around with it, and make it work my way.
Firstly, why use garlic powder and onion salt when YOU HAVE THE REAL THING?!
Tsk.
Also, I have home-canned tomato sauce in pints. Since I knew any tomato sauce I put in the fridge would spoil, I used all of it and cut the water down to compensate. This made for a really, really thick sauce. Which, I was thinking I would thin more for next time, but .... the thickness is appealing. Om nom nom.
I would have loved to have some jalapeños or other hot peppers to throw in, but alas! Not this time. (But surely NEXT! Unless I make green sauce with those tomatillas.)
So here is the recipe as I made it:
Enchilada Sauce
1/4 vegetable oil
1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 of a large onion, minced finely (See how I'm using the other quarter of my onion from earlier?)
2 tbs corn meal
1/4 chili powder
16 oz tomato sauce
1/2 cup water
1/4 tsp cumin
Saute onion and garlic in vegetable oil. Add corn meal. (I figure this was for thickening the sauce. Not sure it's entirely necessary ...)
Add all the other ingredients. Stir will, let simmer 7 minutes. (Longer might be better, but I was running out of time!)
There you have it!
I then dipped the tortillas one by one in the sauce, filled them, rolled them and put them in a greased pan. When the pan was filled (It made ALMOST 8 enchiladas. The last one was pretty skinny.), I poured the rest of the sauce over the enchiladas, covered with cheese (like I said, ALMOST vegan. Cheese is probably the only reason I will never be fully vegan ...), diced green onions, and backed at 350 for 20 minutes.
Now to taste ...
(Om nom nom nom)
... Oh wow.
Wow.
Little sweet (that's the homemade tomato sauce), not at all spicey (although I think Alainna would disagree), but definitely flavorful.
Now I'm going to eat my triumph.
Ta!
Om nom nom nom nom nom ...
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Spring Not-At-All-A-Break
So. Yeah. It was like ... CRAZY.
I feel pretty good today, so you won't get a whiny rant.
But it was certainly crazy busy. I felt so tired. Drained. Exhausted. Worn out. Frazzled.
And that was BEFORE the break! It certainly didn't do any good. @_@
There was just a lot cluttered busyness.
Saturday and Sunday my brother Peter was down from Canada. So Saturday we dyed eggs together (that was fun). Of course, that was after a FULL day of running around errands. @_@ I went to Tarzan rehearsal with Shani, because I MISS her, and I needed people. So, that was good, but tiring. I also need to get busy finishing off that Tarzan booklet of drawings for Jane's journal.
Anyway, then Sunday, my family had Easter dinner together, since Peter was down. Also nice, but so. dreadfully. tired.
Then, Monday, Shani and I started dog-sitting for Rochelle. I also had to go into to work and work for my boss on her yardsale.
I hate yard sales. Passionately. This particular yardsale was also quite difficult because I disagreed with EVERYTHING my boss did. *facepalm* From what she chose to sell, how she chose to set it up, the organization of the sale, the signs, the timing ... And I just had to be really sweet and respectful, "All right." "Sure." AAAAARG! I mean, it is just a yard sale, but IT WAS SO AGGRAVATING.
(My boss is very unorganized, and has a lot and a lot and a lot of things. And indescribable amount of things. Also, I know how to do yard sales. I've done probably around 200 in my life. So yeah. SO FRUSTRATING.)
Anyway, then I went back to Rochelle's, picking up my sisters on the way, and had nachos with Shani and them. That was nice. Then I went with my sisters back to my parents, and spent the night there.
Mom and Dad were at the beach and wanted someone there to watch them.
I really, really don't understand why.
I woke up at 3am to damp blankets.
Gin had peed on me.
This was not amusing. I had to strip myself, and throw all my clothes in the washer. I borrowed some of my parents clothes, and crawled into their bed to sleep.
It. Was. Not. Restful.
Then I got up early enough to drop Carolyn off at horse camp. Alainna graciously made breakfast for us. (She's sweet like that). Then I took care of all the dogs at Rochelle's (Shani stayed the night there, but wasn't up yet). Then I spent Tuesday out there caring for the dogs. Not incredibly difficult, just loud and constant.
I stayed the night Tuesday, to let out the dog with new puppies. She needed out like every hour or something insane. Part of that was because she would do her little potty dance, and I would let her out. Then she wouldn't GO TO THE BATHROOM. So 20 minutes later she'd be at it again! Auuugh! AUGH I SAY, AUGH!
Then I had to hustle over to work to work on Cheryel's yard sale some more. It was supposed to be sale day, but they were still setting up. =_= Urf. Then back to Rochelle's so Shani could go to work (she showed up while I was at Cheryel's. We basically tag-teamed the dogs). I waited till they got back, and then that evening was church practice for the Easter service.
I was so tired. SO TIRED.
Thursday (are you tired yet? I am.) I actually had a day off. But it didn't work out very well. I was extremely agitated, I couldn't rest, I spent all day doing errands, and being upset. Caleb came over that evening, and that was nice.
Friday it was back to work for me to finish off the yard sale. (I really, really, REALLY hate yard sales). It was hard and frustrating again because I in no way agreed with the prices Cheryel was selling. I felt like she was sabotaging herself, and I just wanted to shout, "JUST SELL THE THINGS, CHERYEL. LET THEM GO!" But I didn't.
Self-restraint is a good thing and I have a lot of practice at it.
Saturday ... Oh yeah! Church practice. And I think Shan and I went to Shari's. I know there was stuff the rest of the day ...
Oh, Shani and I have been trying to rent Rise of the Guardians from Redbox all week. XD It's always out.
Sunday was Easter. Service went well. (I was in charge). I actually got our congregation to CLAP! I felt like fist pumping, and doing a victory dance! (Our congregation does NOT get enthusiastic about singing or clapping!) Then I spent the day with Shani's family. That was nice.
Since my family had Easter the weekend previous, Amy & Bry went to Amy's side of the family, and Mom felt like she needed to go down to Medford to be with her sisters.
I did not go. I was exhausted enough, and after the trip to Pomeroy, I vowed NEVER to ride in the back of the Buick with my sisters for over an hour EVER AGAIN. It was MISERABLE. Not that my sisters are awful, but three full-grown bodies do NOT fit in that back seat. It's bearable for the first hour, but after that you just want to scream, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" But they can't because you're all squished together. Ugh. And we couldn't afford to take our car down, and in any case, like I said,
I WAS DEAD TIRED.
Easter at the Peet's was fun. It was nice to participate in what I've heard about it for years. XD Egg dying was EXTREME. I was really impressed by what they could do with just the dye. o_O It was amaaazing.
And the egg hunt was fiendish. I only found 16. XD And those were hard for me to find! Then Shani and I went home to rest.
Monday there was no school. I laid on the couch all day and watched documentaries. I went to the library, but I was too tired even to READ apparently, and I couldn't sleep. Brain just whirring along like a crazy thing.
So, I've been so exhausted. It's actually starting to worry me. I'm going to take really good care of myself over the next week or so, and if I'm still this tired, I'm going to the doctor, because something is wrong.
Of course, it doesn't help that for the past 2 weeks I've had very restless sleep, woken up multiple times, and had nightmares every night. That does not make you feel rested.
Shani has started giving me a rub every night, and that's helping the restlessness. I didn't have a bad nightmare last night, just dreams, so that was good. I feel better today.
I also made a point of getting 8 hours, and organizing my morning around quiet and routine. That might be helping me too. When I organize my day around me being important, I feel better. I think it's because I am in control of the things, instead of the things being in control of me.
I'm not being narcissistic, I'm making sure my basic needs are met. Like spending some quiet time with tea when I wake up, reading my Bible and praying, taking time to clean up after myself, cooking and eating nutritious food. Even those basic things are really hard for me to step up and say, "I am important enough to take care of myself."
Which is ridiculous, but there it is.
I wrote an email to my friends, and said I wanted to hang out more. Favorable responses, and now I'm roleplaying with Ria and it's awesome. I've heard more from Bethany, also awesome! David and I are trying to call each other occasionaly. So far all we've accomplished is phone tag, BUT IT'S A START. Kim even emailed me! She suggested we do postcards, and I'm like "Yay!"
I did think it was interesting that a few people responded that it wouldn't be the way when we were children. I'm not sure why people said that. Whether they were interpreting that I wanted things to be the way they were when we were children, or ... what. I did compare our relationship from when we were children, and Shani said the tone was child-like (which I don't mind. Child-ish, yes. Child-like, well that's part of who I am. And that's okay.), and I did title it "Will you play with me."
But I do want people to play with me! Play is important, even when you're adult. Laughter binds up relationships as much as love. (Healthy laughter. Laughing-to-cover-up is NOT healthy).
Anyway, it was just interesting, because I'm totally aware things will be different from childhood relationships. We're not children. But the intimacy, fellowship and love we had when we were children, that is what I am aiming for and want. And that will be expressed in different ways. We'll have to learn each other as adults. And that is good.
Anyway!
I've noticed I start paragraphs with anyway a lot, and it drives me slightly crazy! I use it as a transitivie note. =_=
FURTHERMORE, (that's better), I better toddle off. Chapel is next, and then home!
Lunch at home. Eeee! And then a NAP!
AND I HAVE THE EVENING OFF! SOOOOO EXCITED!
I feel pretty good today, so you won't get a whiny rant.
But it was certainly crazy busy. I felt so tired. Drained. Exhausted. Worn out. Frazzled.
And that was BEFORE the break! It certainly didn't do any good. @_@
There was just a lot cluttered busyness.
Saturday and Sunday my brother Peter was down from Canada. So Saturday we dyed eggs together (that was fun). Of course, that was after a FULL day of running around errands. @_@ I went to Tarzan rehearsal with Shani, because I MISS her, and I needed people. So, that was good, but tiring. I also need to get busy finishing off that Tarzan booklet of drawings for Jane's journal.
Anyway, then Sunday, my family had Easter dinner together, since Peter was down. Also nice, but so. dreadfully. tired.
Then, Monday, Shani and I started dog-sitting for Rochelle. I also had to go into to work and work for my boss on her yardsale.
I hate yard sales. Passionately. This particular yardsale was also quite difficult because I disagreed with EVERYTHING my boss did. *facepalm* From what she chose to sell, how she chose to set it up, the organization of the sale, the signs, the timing ... And I just had to be really sweet and respectful, "All right." "Sure." AAAAARG! I mean, it is just a yard sale, but IT WAS SO AGGRAVATING.
(My boss is very unorganized, and has a lot and a lot and a lot of things. And indescribable amount of things. Also, I know how to do yard sales. I've done probably around 200 in my life. So yeah. SO FRUSTRATING.)
Anyway, then I went back to Rochelle's, picking up my sisters on the way, and had nachos with Shani and them. That was nice. Then I went with my sisters back to my parents, and spent the night there.
Mom and Dad were at the beach and wanted someone there to watch them.
I really, really don't understand why.
I woke up at 3am to damp blankets.
Gin had peed on me.
This was not amusing. I had to strip myself, and throw all my clothes in the washer. I borrowed some of my parents clothes, and crawled into their bed to sleep.
It. Was. Not. Restful.
Then I got up early enough to drop Carolyn off at horse camp. Alainna graciously made breakfast for us. (She's sweet like that). Then I took care of all the dogs at Rochelle's (Shani stayed the night there, but wasn't up yet). Then I spent Tuesday out there caring for the dogs. Not incredibly difficult, just loud and constant.
I stayed the night Tuesday, to let out the dog with new puppies. She needed out like every hour or something insane. Part of that was because she would do her little potty dance, and I would let her out. Then she wouldn't GO TO THE BATHROOM. So 20 minutes later she'd be at it again! Auuugh! AUGH I SAY, AUGH!
Then I had to hustle over to work to work on Cheryel's yard sale some more. It was supposed to be sale day, but they were still setting up. =_= Urf. Then back to Rochelle's so Shani could go to work (she showed up while I was at Cheryel's. We basically tag-teamed the dogs). I waited till they got back, and then that evening was church practice for the Easter service.
I was so tired. SO TIRED.
Thursday (are you tired yet? I am.) I actually had a day off. But it didn't work out very well. I was extremely agitated, I couldn't rest, I spent all day doing errands, and being upset. Caleb came over that evening, and that was nice.
Friday it was back to work for me to finish off the yard sale. (I really, really, REALLY hate yard sales). It was hard and frustrating again because I in no way agreed with the prices Cheryel was selling. I felt like she was sabotaging herself, and I just wanted to shout, "JUST SELL THE THINGS, CHERYEL. LET THEM GO!" But I didn't.
Self-restraint is a good thing and I have a lot of practice at it.
Saturday ... Oh yeah! Church practice. And I think Shan and I went to Shari's. I know there was stuff the rest of the day ...
Oh, Shani and I have been trying to rent Rise of the Guardians from Redbox all week. XD It's always out.
Sunday was Easter. Service went well. (I was in charge). I actually got our congregation to CLAP! I felt like fist pumping, and doing a victory dance! (Our congregation does NOT get enthusiastic about singing or clapping!) Then I spent the day with Shani's family. That was nice.
Since my family had Easter the weekend previous, Amy & Bry went to Amy's side of the family, and Mom felt like she needed to go down to Medford to be with her sisters.
I did not go. I was exhausted enough, and after the trip to Pomeroy, I vowed NEVER to ride in the back of the Buick with my sisters for over an hour EVER AGAIN. It was MISERABLE. Not that my sisters are awful, but three full-grown bodies do NOT fit in that back seat. It's bearable for the first hour, but after that you just want to scream, "STOP TOUCHING ME!" But they can't because you're all squished together. Ugh. And we couldn't afford to take our car down, and in any case, like I said,
I WAS DEAD TIRED.
Easter at the Peet's was fun. It was nice to participate in what I've heard about it for years. XD Egg dying was EXTREME. I was really impressed by what they could do with just the dye. o_O It was amaaazing.
And the egg hunt was fiendish. I only found 16. XD And those were hard for me to find! Then Shani and I went home to rest.
Monday there was no school. I laid on the couch all day and watched documentaries. I went to the library, but I was too tired even to READ apparently, and I couldn't sleep. Brain just whirring along like a crazy thing.
So, I've been so exhausted. It's actually starting to worry me. I'm going to take really good care of myself over the next week or so, and if I'm still this tired, I'm going to the doctor, because something is wrong.
Of course, it doesn't help that for the past 2 weeks I've had very restless sleep, woken up multiple times, and had nightmares every night. That does not make you feel rested.
Shani has started giving me a rub every night, and that's helping the restlessness. I didn't have a bad nightmare last night, just dreams, so that was good. I feel better today.
I also made a point of getting 8 hours, and organizing my morning around quiet and routine. That might be helping me too. When I organize my day around me being important, I feel better. I think it's because I am in control of the things, instead of the things being in control of me.
I'm not being narcissistic, I'm making sure my basic needs are met. Like spending some quiet time with tea when I wake up, reading my Bible and praying, taking time to clean up after myself, cooking and eating nutritious food. Even those basic things are really hard for me to step up and say, "I am important enough to take care of myself."
Which is ridiculous, but there it is.
I wrote an email to my friends, and said I wanted to hang out more. Favorable responses, and now I'm roleplaying with Ria and it's awesome. I've heard more from Bethany, also awesome! David and I are trying to call each other occasionaly. So far all we've accomplished is phone tag, BUT IT'S A START. Kim even emailed me! She suggested we do postcards, and I'm like "Yay!"
I did think it was interesting that a few people responded that it wouldn't be the way when we were children. I'm not sure why people said that. Whether they were interpreting that I wanted things to be the way they were when we were children, or ... what. I did compare our relationship from when we were children, and Shani said the tone was child-like (which I don't mind. Child-ish, yes. Child-like, well that's part of who I am. And that's okay.), and I did title it "Will you play with me."
But I do want people to play with me! Play is important, even when you're adult. Laughter binds up relationships as much as love. (Healthy laughter. Laughing-to-cover-up is NOT healthy).
Anyway, it was just interesting, because I'm totally aware things will be different from childhood relationships. We're not children. But the intimacy, fellowship and love we had when we were children, that is what I am aiming for and want. And that will be expressed in different ways. We'll have to learn each other as adults. And that is good.
Anyway!
I've noticed I start paragraphs with anyway a lot, and it drives me slightly crazy! I use it as a transitivie note. =_=
FURTHERMORE, (that's better), I better toddle off. Chapel is next, and then home!
Lunch at home. Eeee! And then a NAP!
AND I HAVE THE EVENING OFF! SOOOOO EXCITED!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Read ALL the Books!
So, I'm constantly seeing lists of books to read to your children. "10 books to read to your 4 -5 year old!" "50 Books to Read to Your 10 Year Old!" And my reaction is kind of like, "... Why on earth do you need a LIST of books to read? Don't you know enough books yourself?"
I mean ... geez. It's a book, right? YOU READ IT.
Of course, in a culture where a radio personality says, "Buying books is the worst investment. You read it once, and toss it out." I guess I shouldn't really be surprised.
I have thrown away one book in my life.
It had inappropriate content.
I read books over, and over, and over. I don't buy a book unless I really like it!
And I like a lot of books.
I don't know if you've seen Hoarders or Clean House ... But I would never part with my books. Ever. Books would be the things that it's like, "Nope, figure out how to organize 'em, because the books STAY."
Never re-reading books. Tch. That's SILLY. Admittedly, some of my books I haven't read in 3 years or so, but a lot of them are in 3 month-rotation.
Oh! And ANOTHER thing. These people who are like, "Gosh, it takes me months to finish a book!" and their excuse is being a parent, I say "Tcha!"
I realize that's probably kind of offensive coming from a single, non-parent. But I know of a few sets of parents who make reading a priority. And books get read.
I am going to be a mommy that reads books!
It will help that I can finish most books in about 2 hours. :3
Really, really, big thick books like Les Miserable take me around 5 - 6 hours.
I read REALLY fast!
Oh! Anecdote! English class, a student hands me their paper (a short 1 pager), I read it, say, "That was great! A!" And there's this pause. One of the kids cautiously asks me, "Did you actually read that?"
Yes. Yes I did.
Anyway! Since everybody else makes lists of Good Books To Read, I will too!
And my list is BETTER.
Because it is.
Don't question the list.
Okay! List is not at ALL finished, but it is time for me to go! ta!
I mean ... geez. It's a book, right? YOU READ IT.
Of course, in a culture where a radio personality says, "Buying books is the worst investment. You read it once, and toss it out." I guess I shouldn't really be surprised.
I have thrown away one book in my life.
It had inappropriate content.
I read books over, and over, and over. I don't buy a book unless I really like it!
And I like a lot of books.
I don't know if you've seen Hoarders or Clean House ... But I would never part with my books. Ever. Books would be the things that it's like, "Nope, figure out how to organize 'em, because the books STAY."
Never re-reading books. Tch. That's SILLY. Admittedly, some of my books I haven't read in 3 years or so, but a lot of them are in 3 month-rotation.
Oh! And ANOTHER thing. These people who are like, "Gosh, it takes me months to finish a book!" and their excuse is being a parent, I say "Tcha!"
I realize that's probably kind of offensive coming from a single, non-parent. But I know of a few sets of parents who make reading a priority. And books get read.
I am going to be a mommy that reads books!
It will help that I can finish most books in about 2 hours. :3
Really, really, big thick books like Les Miserable take me around 5 - 6 hours.
I read REALLY fast!
Oh! Anecdote! English class, a student hands me their paper (a short 1 pager), I read it, say, "That was great! A!" And there's this pause. One of the kids cautiously asks me, "Did you actually read that?"
Yes. Yes I did.
Anyway! Since everybody else makes lists of Good Books To Read, I will too!
And my list is BETTER.
Because it is.
Don't question the list.
- The Little House On The Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
- I got these books for Christmas when I was around 6 -8. (I don't remember clearly, but I was reading before I was 4, so ... I read these books to SHREDS, over and over, right through my twenties. I could read them again.
- Anne of Green Gables series by L. M. Montgomery
- I didn't get these books until my teens. I re-read them recently. They're good!
- The Chronicles of Narnia
- I think I started reading these when I was 5. We had a book shelf in the upstairs, and I would sit at it, and pick out books. We only had 4 at the time, and there are not WORDS to express my gratefulness at finally getting to read all 7 sometime later. I read these to shreds too. (I was careful with them. But when you read a book hundreds of times, it does start to wear and tear, no matter how careful you are.)
- The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien
- As a child, I liked the Hobbit. I didn't manage to make it all the way through LOTR until I was about 13. I would get stuck in Two Towers every time. But the Hobbit was awesome! (I was also exposed to the TERRIFYING Rankin-Bass animation of it, and those stupid animated Goblins haunted my dreams for YEARS.)
- The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien
- Okay, I might not have made it through these on my own, but my brother read them to shreds. He also read them aloud to our younger brother. When I was around 20-something, I read them aloud to my 8 year old sister, and she loved them. It took around a year to get through all 3 (or 6, depending on how you count them) books, but she was always eager for me to read.
- C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy (Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, That Hideous Strength)
- I didn't read these until college, when my younger brother was doing a research paper on them. Loved them! With great love! Perelandra was my favorite.
- The Rich Mrs. Burgoyne by Kathleene Norris
- This turned up through a Logos yard sale. It has an inscription written on the inside cover, "Christmas 1914, Love Mother." I love this book. It makes me happy. Definitately has an agenda, but I LIKE the agenda. So. :3
- Hercule Poirot books by Agatha Christie
- Okay, you all know Dame Christie is the Queen of Crime, right? Well, she is my favorite. I am slowly collecting ALL of her books. Slowly. She wrote a lot. I like the paperbacks, because they're small, and are just the right size for traveling, or waiting for an appointment. (They take about an hour for me to read). My favorites are
- Dumb Witness
- Murder in Mesopotamia
- Hallowe'en Party
- Cat Among the Pigeons
- Murder On the Orient Express
- Read them. They're good.
- Miss Marple Books by Agatha Christie
- I've watched the BBC productions of more of these than I've read, but they're still good.
- Basically, anything Agatha Christie. :3 She wrote lots of books. They're good. Read them.
- The Back of the North Wind by George Macdonald
- C. S. Lewis' inspiration, Macdonald is awesome, imo. I was introduced to him through a collection of his various fairy tales, and loved every minute. Some of them are creepy, and some are sweet, but they're all great.
- FAIRY TALES.
- We had a big Reader's Digest collection of fairy tales, and I read it over and over to shreds. I recommend fairy tales. They are awesome. Read them to your kids. There are thousands of fairy tales, and they come in much more variaties than Cinderella! Frankly, after reading fairy tales, the Disney versions seem ... rather bland. Some of my favorite fairy tales are:
- East of the Sun and West of the Moon
- Snow White and Rose Red
- The Soldier and the Devil (also known as Bearskin)
- The Soldier and the Snuff box (there's 3 dogs, with eyes as big as saucers, dinner plates, and windmills, respectively. My imagination still can't figure out how exactly that works!)
- All Kinds of Fur/Cat Skin (a princess who makes a coat out of many different kinds of furs)
- King Thrushbeard
- I do not like Hans Christian Anderson. Bleh.
- BlueBeard (spine-tingling!)
- The Chrestomancie Chronicles by Diana Wynne Jones
- Okay, not a lot of people KNOW about her, because she's a British author. The only thing you can find by her in bookstores is basically Howl's Moving Castle (yep, the Miyazaki film was inspired by her book!) The Chrestomancie books are the most famous, but she has written SOOOOO much, for EXAMPLE:
- Howl's Moving Castle
- Castle in the Air
- House of Many Ways
- Archer's Goon
- Dogsbody
- Dark Lord of Derholm
- Fire and Hemlock
- The Merlin Conspiracy
- The DaleMark Trilogy (or possibly quartet)
- The Homeward Bounders
- The Time of the Ghost
- Eight Days of Luke
- Aunt Maria
- The Game
- ALL OF HER STUFF IS AMAZING. READ IT. LOVE IT.
- The Discworld Series by Terry Pratchett
- JUST READ TERRY PRATCHETT, OKAY? HE'S AWESOME.
- The Redwall Series by Brian Jaques
- Dad read these aloud to us. From the time I was 12 to the time I moved out at 23. Those are pretty special memories. Can I just take a moment and recommend reading aloud to your kids? No matter how old they are. Mom read aloud to me from BEFORE I was born. Dad read aloud to us kids all through high school. It's way better than watching TV together. Just sayin'.
- Fairy Stories by Gail Carson Levine
- I'll be honest - I don't like a lot of modern books. They tend to embody the current values of society that I don't really hold with. The Hunger Games, for example. I'm know the authoress was trying to convey how horrible war is and the sacrifices it entails. But I'm bothered that what the kids come away with is how "cool" it is to be violent and kill others. I don't like distopias, and thrillers, and horror books. I like books that teach about self-sacrifice, honor, loyalty, integrity, honesty, and loving others first. Not values you see in a lot of books coming out. Soapbox aside, I do like the stories by Gail Carson Levine. They're good. Y'all should read them. ^_^ ALL OF THEM.
- Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede, and the rest of the series.
- ZOMC, THIS IS SO AWESOME! My twin introduced me to these, and EVERYBODY SHOULD READ THEM. GO DO IT NOW.
- Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge
- This is a really sweet story. Read it. It's awesome. Shani read it aloud to me when I was sick and tired.
Okay! List is not at ALL finished, but it is time for me to go! ta!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
How Many Times Can Your Heart Break?
A lot, I think.
And then more than a lot.
It's funny, my heart used to primarily break for things about me. Disappointments, cats dying, etc.
Now ... it still breaks for me, but it breaks mostly for other people. I feel like it breaks every day.
When I see my children that I love making poor choices.
When I see people that I love making poor choices.
When I see the hate and the pain it causes in the world.
It's just ... heartbreaking. There's not really another word for it. <_>
I'm not judging other people. I had a really good talk with my pastor's wife about judging. It can be so hard to figure out what judging IS, and when you know somebody is playing with fire.
She said the difference was your heart attitude.
When you're looking down on somebody, and think they're stupid, and refuse to associate with them, because they're and what they're doing is just - tsk - awful. That's judging.
When you love somebody, and you see them doing something that will ultimately lead to pain for them, and want to see them not do be hurt - that's not judging. That's discernment.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people (that I love), wandering off and doing stupid things that will hurt them, and I just AUUUUUUGGGGGGHHH!
How do you use Pointy Shoes of Fraternal Vengeance for your friend when your friend is the one shooting themselves in the foot?
You don't.
Instead, your heart breaks.
Of course, in an ideal world, friends would trust you and listen when you went to them (in love) and said,
"Fred, I love you, But this choice you're making over here, or this habit you have (whatever), is going to end in pain for you, for your family, for everyone around you. Please stop. You're only hurting yourself. How can I help you?"
But so frequently, the moment you speak up to someone, they immediately become all indignant, point an accusing finger at you, and shout, "You're JUDGING ME!"
=_=
I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. YOU'RE BEING STUPID, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HURT.
Although answering like that is not really the *best* way ...
It doesn't help that people don't want to listen in the first place.
And then, when I think about things, I wonder about people thinking the same thing about me.
It worries me. Because I know there are several people who love me, who don't really like the way I'm living.
They worry that I'm not married yet.
They worry that I don't have a job that makes money.
They worry that I'm too "attached" to my friends.
And I know most of those worries come from love, and that they think I'm being stupid. Heh.
I do have answers for all of those things, but it's hard to explain to people when they don't listen back to you.
I'm not married yet, for two reasons. First, God spared me, mercifully and miraculously, from getting married when I wasn't ready. I am not trapped in an awful marriage, or divorced with children like so many of my friends.
Second, now that I am ready (or rather, ready-ish), I have not met anybody I would like to marry! I know who I am, and because of this, I know the kind of person I would want to spend "yoked" with for the rest of my life. I just haven't met him. I am going to different places and doing things that put me in situations where I can meet new people (as often as I can), but I just haven't met anybody I would consider marriage material.
So I am content to remain happily single, doing God's work, rather than running around searching desperately for somebody - ANYBODY - to marry.
The money thing is driving me nuts too. It really is. But I'm working on it. I'm praying and talking to people smarter than I am, and looking for an opportunity that would provide for me better financially. In this particular area, and in the fields that I'm qualified in, those are pretty limited opportunities, but I'm looking, ready and waiting!
The friend "attachment" thing is a bit trickier, because it comes down to values and beliefs about life.
I don't share the normal beliefs about friendship that our culture does. Frankly, I'm glad I don't!
Culture says that friends come and go.
Culture says that saying "I love you," to a friend is a little weird.
Culture DOES say that you shouldn't be "too" attached to your friends.
Through a lot, and a lot, and a LOT of hardships and trials in my life, I have learned that culture is STUPID.
The Bible says, "A friend loves at all times," Proverbs 17:17.
The Bible says, "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." John 15:13
The Bible talks about Jonathan's and David's close friendship, which superseded loyalty to father & king in a GOOD way.
The Bible talks about a friend that is "as your own soul." (Duet. 13:6 - you're not supposed to worship other gods, even if your family, or a friend that is like your own soul entices you.)
The Bible says we have been called friends of God.
I'm not saying that friendship can't become something it shouldn't. EVERYTHING can become something it shouldn't! That's the nature of sin, and the greater the gift, the more wicked it is when it's twisted.
In the past, I have been dependent on Shannon.
I was sick. When you're sick, you are dependent on people.
But now, I'm better (for the most part, and on most days). I'm no longer dependent on Shani, although I am certainly reliant on her.
I realize also that the closeness and intimacy of our friendship is pretty strange in a world that wears masks in every situation. The world hides itself, because it's pretty sure that if it showed its true self, it would be rejected. So I know that it's pretty strange that Shani and I know each other's true selves, the nice and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
It's certainly unusual.
But it's also good.
And very comforting.
Actually, it's our friendship that has convinced me I can tackle a marriage. Because I've learned how to love the good and bad of a person, and to be loved in return. We've had fights, and communication blocks, and irritations, and annoyances. We've had laughs, and jokes, and shared tears, and back rubs.
We've worked things through.
In a culture of convenience, where you toss a friendship if it gets hard, and find new friends, sticking with one person through the thin and the thick is pretty odd.
But it's the best thing. <3
Anyway. This has been a long series of rabbit trails, heh. ^_^;
Thanks for reading!
And then more than a lot.
It's funny, my heart used to primarily break for things about me. Disappointments, cats dying, etc.
Now ... it still breaks for me, but it breaks mostly for other people. I feel like it breaks every day.
When I see my children that I love making poor choices.
When I see people that I love making poor choices.
When I see the hate and the pain it causes in the world.
It's just ... heartbreaking. There's not really another word for it. <_>
I'm not judging other people. I had a really good talk with my pastor's wife about judging. It can be so hard to figure out what judging IS, and when you know somebody is playing with fire.
She said the difference was your heart attitude.
When you're looking down on somebody, and think they're stupid, and refuse to associate with them, because they're and what they're doing is just - tsk - awful. That's judging.
When you love somebody, and you see them doing something that will ultimately lead to pain for them, and want to see them not do be hurt - that's not judging. That's discernment.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by stupid people (that I love), wandering off and doing stupid things that will hurt them, and I just AUUUUUUGGGGGGHHH!
How do you use Pointy Shoes of Fraternal Vengeance for your friend when your friend is the one shooting themselves in the foot?
You don't.
Instead, your heart breaks.
Of course, in an ideal world, friends would trust you and listen when you went to them (in love) and said,
"Fred, I love you, But this choice you're making over here, or this habit you have (whatever), is going to end in pain for you, for your family, for everyone around you. Please stop. You're only hurting yourself. How can I help you?"
But so frequently, the moment you speak up to someone, they immediately become all indignant, point an accusing finger at you, and shout, "You're JUDGING ME!"
=_=
I'M NOT JUDGING YOU. YOU'RE BEING STUPID, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HURT.
Although answering like that is not really the *best* way ...
It doesn't help that people don't want to listen in the first place.
And then, when I think about things, I wonder about people thinking the same thing about me.
It worries me. Because I know there are several people who love me, who don't really like the way I'm living.
They worry that I'm not married yet.
They worry that I don't have a job that makes money.
They worry that I'm too "attached" to my friends.
And I know most of those worries come from love, and that they think I'm being stupid. Heh.
I do have answers for all of those things, but it's hard to explain to people when they don't listen back to you.
I'm not married yet, for two reasons. First, God spared me, mercifully and miraculously, from getting married when I wasn't ready. I am not trapped in an awful marriage, or divorced with children like so many of my friends.
Second, now that I am ready (or rather, ready-ish), I have not met anybody I would like to marry! I know who I am, and because of this, I know the kind of person I would want to spend "yoked" with for the rest of my life. I just haven't met him. I am going to different places and doing things that put me in situations where I can meet new people (as often as I can), but I just haven't met anybody I would consider marriage material.
So I am content to remain happily single, doing God's work, rather than running around searching desperately for somebody - ANYBODY - to marry.
The money thing is driving me nuts too. It really is. But I'm working on it. I'm praying and talking to people smarter than I am, and looking for an opportunity that would provide for me better financially. In this particular area, and in the fields that I'm qualified in, those are pretty limited opportunities, but I'm looking, ready and waiting!
The friend "attachment" thing is a bit trickier, because it comes down to values and beliefs about life.
I don't share the normal beliefs about friendship that our culture does. Frankly, I'm glad I don't!
Culture says that friends come and go.
Culture says that saying "I love you," to a friend is a little weird.
Culture DOES say that you shouldn't be "too" attached to your friends.
Through a lot, and a lot, and a LOT of hardships and trials in my life, I have learned that culture is STUPID.
The Bible says, "A friend loves at all times," Proverbs 17:17.
The Bible says, "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend." John 15:13
The Bible talks about Jonathan's and David's close friendship, which superseded loyalty to father & king in a GOOD way.
The Bible talks about a friend that is "as your own soul." (Duet. 13:6 - you're not supposed to worship other gods, even if your family, or a friend that is like your own soul entices you.)
The Bible says we have been called friends of God.
I'm not saying that friendship can't become something it shouldn't. EVERYTHING can become something it shouldn't! That's the nature of sin, and the greater the gift, the more wicked it is when it's twisted.
In the past, I have been dependent on Shannon.
I was sick. When you're sick, you are dependent on people.
But now, I'm better (for the most part, and on most days). I'm no longer dependent on Shani, although I am certainly reliant on her.
I realize also that the closeness and intimacy of our friendship is pretty strange in a world that wears masks in every situation. The world hides itself, because it's pretty sure that if it showed its true self, it would be rejected. So I know that it's pretty strange that Shani and I know each other's true selves, the nice and the bad, the pretty and the ugly.
It's certainly unusual.
But it's also good.
And very comforting.
Actually, it's our friendship that has convinced me I can tackle a marriage. Because I've learned how to love the good and bad of a person, and to be loved in return. We've had fights, and communication blocks, and irritations, and annoyances. We've had laughs, and jokes, and shared tears, and back rubs.
We've worked things through.
In a culture of convenience, where you toss a friendship if it gets hard, and find new friends, sticking with one person through the thin and the thick is pretty odd.
But it's the best thing. <3
Anyway. This has been a long series of rabbit trails, heh. ^_^;
Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
IKEA! Lisa! Caleb! St. Patrick's Day! ADVENTURE!
I really need to update this more than once a week. There's just WAAAAAY too much to write about! o_O
This weekend, Shani and I drove up to Portland for a multi-purpose trip.
This was after a Friday that involved lots of errands and not much time for me.
Oh, the concert on Thursday night went well too. Now you know.
Saturday! So, I woke up early, and made St. Patrick's Day Whoopie Pies. They are REALLY good. I also cleaned up the house, vacuumed THOROUGHLY (after replacing the vacuum belt), and finished off with making these funny little croissant things that had pesto and feta in them. I liked them, but Pesto isn't Shani's favorite. (I have to remember that for future recipes, because *I* really like it.)
Then, we got a late start. Didn't get out of the house until around 2. Eeeh heh. *sweat*
We drove and drove and drove to Portland, and then tried to find IKEA.
We got lost.
Twice.
The first time, we took the appropriate exit, and yet somehow managed to stay on I-5. We thought maybe that Shan had forgotten to write down exit 308, (it said take exit 8) and decided to stay the course until 308.
This proved to be a mistake, as traffic immediately slowed down to a crawl, and it took us around 40 minutes to get from 300 to 308, whereupon we saw the Washington bridge, and realized we were definitely going the wrong way. We turned around, and started back south (fortunately, south-bound traffic wasn't slowed down). Got on to HWY 30, and shortly saw the ENORMOUS blue IKEA sign.
One would think that with such a big store, there would be a road right to it.
No. There is not.
Instead, you have to take this series of small, twisty back roads that look like the roads on the outskirts of Eugene that end up going nowhere.
We missed one of them, and ended up driving back into the town proper, and getting nearly on the freeway again. We saw the IKEA sign (now far behind us and to the left), and turned around again.
By the time we arrived at IKEA, we were supposed to be arriving at Lisa's. Arg. =_=
In any case, IKEA is amazing. Seriously, I can't wait to go back there with plenty of time to look at ALL the things.
We finally arrived at Lisa's (after fighting MUCH distraction at IKEA, and going upstairs, downstairs, and back upstairs before finding what we went there FOR) around 8. Fortunately, SHE was running late too!
I love it when we're all off-schedule together.
She had a lovely vegetarian meal for us, and we watched Wreck it Ralph! (My favorite movie!) We watched the beginning THREE TIMES, because we kept getting more people interested in seeing it with us. Heh heh.
I wish we had had more time there, but starting late and getting lost and all ... it was not to be.
In the morning, I woke Shani up too early (oops), but we eventually got on the road to meet Caleb at his church.
I wish he and my twin were closer, but Beaverton and Gresham are on opposite ends of Portland, so we can't have them both at the same time. =_= And there was no Ryan this time, and not nearly enough Ria.
Portland needs to be closer.
Anyway, church was good. I really like that church. It's nearly as good as ours. ^_~
My favorite thing the pastor said, was "I can't tell you how many times people have come to me, and justified things they are doing by saying, 'Well, God wants me to be happy.' And I'm kind of like 'Eeeeh ... no, not really.'"
The sermon was on holiness. See, the thing is, God wants us to be holy. Holiness will lead us to happiness eventually, because part of holiness is wholeness, but pursuing happiness will never lead us to holiness or wholeness. It's most definitely a putting the cart before the horse kind of thing, and it doesn't work.
I liked him for saying that, and I was glad.
Anyway, then we had lunch at Caleb's, and it was good! He made fish! I LIKED it! It was a white fish, so apparently, I like white fish, but I do NOT like pink fish. I feel better about myself knowing that I do like some kind of seafood.
I can see some of you saying, "Wait! Fish isn't vegetarian!"
Well, I'm vegetarian mostly for health and personal reasons, but I don't really want to make everybody else do what I do. So, I'm vegetarian when I choose for myself. (Most of the time.) but I will eat what is served me.
I do prefer vegetarian though.
Unless somebody is eating something delicious right in front of me. Then it's just not fair.
We also went to a Salvation Army. Selection was *quite* poor, and prices were expensive. Geez. Not at all what we were expecting out of a thrift store. o_O
Then we came home, and talked a bit more, and then we had to go. :( Shan had rehearsal at 8. *sniff*
It wouldn't have been quite so difficult to take if I knew I would see him over spring break, but he'll be with his Mom's family for most of the time he's down. :(
SERIOUSLY. EVERYBODY JUST COME LIVE WITH ME! STOP BEING SO FAR AWAY, DARN IT!
anyway. Then it was back to the busy week. Ugh. School needs to be OVER. Although, Spring Break for me is looking crazy, crazy, CRAZY busy. @_@ so that's not much of a relief. Anyway, I have things to do, and they are dinging me like crazy, so I will go do them!
Ta~
This weekend, Shani and I drove up to Portland for a multi-purpose trip.
This was after a Friday that involved lots of errands and not much time for me.
Oh, the concert on Thursday night went well too. Now you know.
Saturday! So, I woke up early, and made St. Patrick's Day Whoopie Pies. They are REALLY good. I also cleaned up the house, vacuumed THOROUGHLY (after replacing the vacuum belt), and finished off with making these funny little croissant things that had pesto and feta in them. I liked them, but Pesto isn't Shani's favorite. (I have to remember that for future recipes, because *I* really like it.)
Then, we got a late start. Didn't get out of the house until around 2. Eeeh heh. *sweat*
We drove and drove and drove to Portland, and then tried to find IKEA.
We got lost.
Twice.
The first time, we took the appropriate exit, and yet somehow managed to stay on I-5. We thought maybe that Shan had forgotten to write down exit 308, (it said take exit 8) and decided to stay the course until 308.
This proved to be a mistake, as traffic immediately slowed down to a crawl, and it took us around 40 minutes to get from 300 to 308, whereupon we saw the Washington bridge, and realized we were definitely going the wrong way. We turned around, and started back south (fortunately, south-bound traffic wasn't slowed down). Got on to HWY 30, and shortly saw the ENORMOUS blue IKEA sign.
One would think that with such a big store, there would be a road right to it.
No. There is not.
Instead, you have to take this series of small, twisty back roads that look like the roads on the outskirts of Eugene that end up going nowhere.
We missed one of them, and ended up driving back into the town proper, and getting nearly on the freeway again. We saw the IKEA sign (now far behind us and to the left), and turned around again.
By the time we arrived at IKEA, we were supposed to be arriving at Lisa's. Arg. =_=
In any case, IKEA is amazing. Seriously, I can't wait to go back there with plenty of time to look at ALL the things.
We finally arrived at Lisa's (after fighting MUCH distraction at IKEA, and going upstairs, downstairs, and back upstairs before finding what we went there FOR) around 8. Fortunately, SHE was running late too!
I love it when we're all off-schedule together.
She had a lovely vegetarian meal for us, and we watched Wreck it Ralph! (My favorite movie!) We watched the beginning THREE TIMES, because we kept getting more people interested in seeing it with us. Heh heh.
I wish we had had more time there, but starting late and getting lost and all ... it was not to be.
In the morning, I woke Shani up too early (oops), but we eventually got on the road to meet Caleb at his church.
I wish he and my twin were closer, but Beaverton and Gresham are on opposite ends of Portland, so we can't have them both at the same time. =_= And there was no Ryan this time, and not nearly enough Ria.
Portland needs to be closer.
Anyway, church was good. I really like that church. It's nearly as good as ours. ^_~
My favorite thing the pastor said, was "I can't tell you how many times people have come to me, and justified things they are doing by saying, 'Well, God wants me to be happy.' And I'm kind of like 'Eeeeh ... no, not really.'"
The sermon was on holiness. See, the thing is, God wants us to be holy. Holiness will lead us to happiness eventually, because part of holiness is wholeness, but pursuing happiness will never lead us to holiness or wholeness. It's most definitely a putting the cart before the horse kind of thing, and it doesn't work.
I liked him for saying that, and I was glad.
Anyway, then we had lunch at Caleb's, and it was good! He made fish! I LIKED it! It was a white fish, so apparently, I like white fish, but I do NOT like pink fish. I feel better about myself knowing that I do like some kind of seafood.
I can see some of you saying, "Wait! Fish isn't vegetarian!"
Well, I'm vegetarian mostly for health and personal reasons, but I don't really want to make everybody else do what I do. So, I'm vegetarian when I choose for myself. (Most of the time.) but I will eat what is served me.
I do prefer vegetarian though.
Unless somebody is eating something delicious right in front of me. Then it's just not fair.
We also went to a Salvation Army. Selection was *quite* poor, and prices were expensive. Geez. Not at all what we were expecting out of a thrift store. o_O
Then we came home, and talked a bit more, and then we had to go. :( Shan had rehearsal at 8. *sniff*
It wouldn't have been quite so difficult to take if I knew I would see him over spring break, but he'll be with his Mom's family for most of the time he's down. :(
SERIOUSLY. EVERYBODY JUST COME LIVE WITH ME! STOP BEING SO FAR AWAY, DARN IT!
anyway. Then it was back to the busy week. Ugh. School needs to be OVER. Although, Spring Break for me is looking crazy, crazy, CRAZY busy. @_@ so that's not much of a relief. Anyway, I have things to do, and they are dinging me like crazy, so I will go do them!
Ta~
Thursday, March 14, 2013
THERE IS NO BALANCE.
In my life currently. There hasn't been since a couple days before the funeral. You remember, when I was taking all those naps?
Currently, there is no balance in my life. I can tell this because of several things:
My food intake has gone from "I'm hungry and need nutrition" to "I'm miserable and need comfort."
It also includes, "I'm too tired to actually cook or buy groceries, so PIZZA!" (Or Taco Bell, etc. But no McDonald's. McDonald's is BLEH.)
I do not have the ability to be creative. (That's when I know I'm really drained.)
I hate EVERYBODY.
I am too tired to take a nap.
I can hear you asking (all one of you who actually reads this ... who is that anyway?), "How can you be too tired to take a nap?"
Easy. You're sitting on the couch, having finished lunch, and it is time to go take a nap. However, not only can you not find the energy to get up and go to your room to lie down, you can't even find the strength to roll over and close your eyes. (Possibly because if you let your guard down, the Stress will jump you from behind.)
I'm fairly miserable.
I am even more miserable when I look ahead at Spring "break" (ha ha), and the next week. My stomach tightens and begins to churn with nervousness. There is not a break. There is work. A LOT of work. And there is no Caleb. This is more than slightly heartbreaking, but at this moment, I'm feel as if I'm the only one who cares, so ... *shrug*
(It doesn't matter if it's in my head. My head is where I live, so if something is in there, it is real to me. When I am this tired, I can't fight off the bogeymans in my head by myself anyway.)
The concert is tonight. It doesn't feel real to me. Frankly, I just want it to be over. Shani asked if I needed her to come, and I said "I don't think so." Because I'm so tired, I just don't care. I want it to be over. It's just an ordeal instead of "Yay! People should come hear my kids because I'm proud of them! Look at the hard work I did!" It's just "I want this OVER."
There were too many hurdles this bit to overcome for me to rejoice in the concert. I didn't have a pianist until the last 4 rehearsals. That's REALLY HARD. I can't practice my conducting, I can' read the kids from behind the piano, they don't learn to watch my conducting ... The dance we were supposed to do in Show fell through after the week and a half of no school from the plauge, and I and the kids were REALLY sad about that. (But there was no way to pull it together without those 9 hours of rehearsal) The extra song Gospel was supposed to do and the visiting choir fell through. We lost one of our choir members. It was just BLEH.
I really, really HATE the March concert anyway, it comes up too fast. =_= There's not enough time to practice!
So yeah, concert tonight, and there's not even a Shari's party allowed afterwards. Symphonic has a dress rehearsal for the contest next week, So Mom is asking every student to go home and get sleep.
I'm not sure this is the wisest decision on her part. I absolutely see her point of the kids needing sleep to be fresh for the big rehearsal! I'm not at ALL arguing on that point. My concern is two-fold:
A) The kids need some kind of celebration after the concert for the closure. (The reception doesn't do that well for the kids, as there's not room, it's too noisy, and there's non-performers involved. You need a chance to blow off steam with the people you performed with post-concert).
B) Student/Teacher relations are pretty strained right now. I feel that this will be viewed as more "control" and "taking something away" from the students. I'm not saying the kids are RIGHT, and like I said, I COMPLETELY see Mom's point on them needing rest, but I think the timing is very poor, and will only add more stress to already strained relationships.
What I am going to do in Gospel (because I do my ABSOLUTE BEST to maintain a positive attitude in THOSE kids so it will disseminate through the school) is support Mom's decision to the best of my ability, and tell the kids we are having a party on Monday. That will be closure for them, they'll still feel as if they get their party, and will be more able to cheerfully acquiesce to skipping Shari's this time.
(Mom told them we'd go after the June concert, but these are CHILDREN. June is a millenia away, and they DO need closure for THIS concert.)
Anyway.
I really need to blog WAY more often. I frequently compose blog posts in my head, but it's while I'm walking to the bus stop, or biking to work. I can't exactly scribble them out during those times. =_=
Tuesday was full of NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES! I texted some of you this, but I"ll tell it again.
I was walking home from the bus stop, and I was so tired and hungry as I waited at a crosswalk. The light changed, and I started to walk! IT WAS THE GREEN LIGHT FOR THE CARS. *facepalm* I felt REALLY stupid ... And nearly walked into a car that was going. =_=
Then, I tripped over the sidewalk a little further down. I didn't fall, but I did nearly sprain my ankle, and I definitely threw out my lower back. Arg.
THEN, biking home from WORK that night, I was almost hit by a car again! My phone had fallen out of my pocket, so I retrieved it, pulled my bike onto the sidewalk, and was walking for a bit. I was walking in a crosswalk when a lady turning right almost didn't see me. The lady rolled down her window and said, "Your light is really hard to see in the dark." Nonplussed, I kind of stared at her, and said "There's nothing I can do about that." I wish I had been a bit more cognizant and thought of something more INTELLIGENT to say, but I was so tired, and the day had been so stressful and just ARG.
But as I thought about it, I decided she really was at fault. I was *walking* in a *crosswalk* underneath two bright street lights (which would be why my light would be difficult to see. It's the light, not the dark, that makes it invisible), and I was wearing a light blue jacket. If I had been a pedestrian I would not have had a light at all, so it really was her responsibility.
I did roll my eyes at her, which was why she spoke to me, I guess. I shouldn't have done that. It had been a long, exasperating, tiring day.
Mr. Fox is still not feeling well from his stroke. MOm asked me if I'd be willing to teach the next English bit. It's on Greek Mythology! Ooooh! My FAVORITE! =D (Although I do get it completely entangled with Roman mythology ...) On the other hand, combined with two late jobs I work, getting to Logos EVERY DAY at 9am is really, really, REALLY starting to kill me. I don't know if I can do it. So ... it's all a bit wibbly-wobbly.
I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will toddle off. Pray for me to survive, please! I need it.@_@
Currently, there is no balance in my life. I can tell this because of several things:
My food intake has gone from "I'm hungry and need nutrition" to "I'm miserable and need comfort."
It also includes, "I'm too tired to actually cook or buy groceries, so PIZZA!" (Or Taco Bell, etc. But no McDonald's. McDonald's is BLEH.)
I do not have the ability to be creative. (That's when I know I'm really drained.)
I hate EVERYBODY.
I am too tired to take a nap.
I can hear you asking (all one of you who actually reads this ... who is that anyway?), "How can you be too tired to take a nap?"
Easy. You're sitting on the couch, having finished lunch, and it is time to go take a nap. However, not only can you not find the energy to get up and go to your room to lie down, you can't even find the strength to roll over and close your eyes. (Possibly because if you let your guard down, the Stress will jump you from behind.)
I'm fairly miserable.
I am even more miserable when I look ahead at Spring "break" (ha ha), and the next week. My stomach tightens and begins to churn with nervousness. There is not a break. There is work. A LOT of work. And there is no Caleb. This is more than slightly heartbreaking, but at this moment, I'm feel as if I'm the only one who cares, so ... *shrug*
(It doesn't matter if it's in my head. My head is where I live, so if something is in there, it is real to me. When I am this tired, I can't fight off the bogeymans in my head by myself anyway.)
The concert is tonight. It doesn't feel real to me. Frankly, I just want it to be over. Shani asked if I needed her to come, and I said "I don't think so." Because I'm so tired, I just don't care. I want it to be over. It's just an ordeal instead of "Yay! People should come hear my kids because I'm proud of them! Look at the hard work I did!" It's just "I want this OVER."
There were too many hurdles this bit to overcome for me to rejoice in the concert. I didn't have a pianist until the last 4 rehearsals. That's REALLY HARD. I can't practice my conducting, I can' read the kids from behind the piano, they don't learn to watch my conducting ... The dance we were supposed to do in Show fell through after the week and a half of no school from the plauge, and I and the kids were REALLY sad about that. (But there was no way to pull it together without those 9 hours of rehearsal) The extra song Gospel was supposed to do and the visiting choir fell through. We lost one of our choir members. It was just BLEH.
I really, really HATE the March concert anyway, it comes up too fast. =_= There's not enough time to practice!
So yeah, concert tonight, and there's not even a Shari's party allowed afterwards. Symphonic has a dress rehearsal for the contest next week, So Mom is asking every student to go home and get sleep.
I'm not sure this is the wisest decision on her part. I absolutely see her point of the kids needing sleep to be fresh for the big rehearsal! I'm not at ALL arguing on that point. My concern is two-fold:
A) The kids need some kind of celebration after the concert for the closure. (The reception doesn't do that well for the kids, as there's not room, it's too noisy, and there's non-performers involved. You need a chance to blow off steam with the people you performed with post-concert).
B) Student/Teacher relations are pretty strained right now. I feel that this will be viewed as more "control" and "taking something away" from the students. I'm not saying the kids are RIGHT, and like I said, I COMPLETELY see Mom's point on them needing rest, but I think the timing is very poor, and will only add more stress to already strained relationships.
What I am going to do in Gospel (because I do my ABSOLUTE BEST to maintain a positive attitude in THOSE kids so it will disseminate through the school) is support Mom's decision to the best of my ability, and tell the kids we are having a party on Monday. That will be closure for them, they'll still feel as if they get their party, and will be more able to cheerfully acquiesce to skipping Shari's this time.
(Mom told them we'd go after the June concert, but these are CHILDREN. June is a millenia away, and they DO need closure for THIS concert.)
Anyway.
I really need to blog WAY more often. I frequently compose blog posts in my head, but it's while I'm walking to the bus stop, or biking to work. I can't exactly scribble them out during those times. =_=
Tuesday was full of NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES! I texted some of you this, but I"ll tell it again.
I was walking home from the bus stop, and I was so tired and hungry as I waited at a crosswalk. The light changed, and I started to walk! IT WAS THE GREEN LIGHT FOR THE CARS. *facepalm* I felt REALLY stupid ... And nearly walked into a car that was going. =_=
Then, I tripped over the sidewalk a little further down. I didn't fall, but I did nearly sprain my ankle, and I definitely threw out my lower back. Arg.
THEN, biking home from WORK that night, I was almost hit by a car again! My phone had fallen out of my pocket, so I retrieved it, pulled my bike onto the sidewalk, and was walking for a bit. I was walking in a crosswalk when a lady turning right almost didn't see me. The lady rolled down her window and said, "Your light is really hard to see in the dark." Nonplussed, I kind of stared at her, and said "There's nothing I can do about that." I wish I had been a bit more cognizant and thought of something more INTELLIGENT to say, but I was so tired, and the day had been so stressful and just ARG.
But as I thought about it, I decided she really was at fault. I was *walking* in a *crosswalk* underneath two bright street lights (which would be why my light would be difficult to see. It's the light, not the dark, that makes it invisible), and I was wearing a light blue jacket. If I had been a pedestrian I would not have had a light at all, so it really was her responsibility.
I did roll my eyes at her, which was why she spoke to me, I guess. I shouldn't have done that. It had been a long, exasperating, tiring day.
Mr. Fox is still not feeling well from his stroke. MOm asked me if I'd be willing to teach the next English bit. It's on Greek Mythology! Ooooh! My FAVORITE! =D (Although I do get it completely entangled with Roman mythology ...) On the other hand, combined with two late jobs I work, getting to Logos EVERY DAY at 9am is really, really, REALLY starting to kill me. I don't know if I can do it. So ... it's all a bit wibbly-wobbly.
I don't really have anything else to say right now, so I will toddle off. Pray for me to survive, please! I need it.
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